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Life in the aftermath :-)

  • TMax
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21 Nov 07 #7177 by TMax
Topic started by TMax
Hello Friends :cheer:

Ok this isn’t about what’s happening in our lives at the moment, I know its a plop of the first degree but as every one whose got passed this stage will tell you, it gets easier, and you will move on in your life. As so many have stated using those immortal words "NEVER AGAIN" :laugh:heheh how many of us have said those words after a heavy party night and still done it again and again.

Well we did at one stage have a piece on this but I’ve lost the thread it was placed in.

So life after DIVORCE.

Do we expect life will get better obviously it will as the thorn in our side has gone, :laugh:our living standards may drop but that with perseverance and getting ourselves doing things will improve slowly, there are a few on here that can tell you that there is a someone out there in the void that is better than the one we left behind.

Age is not a factor, only our own expectations of what we want, we have to try hard to remember that not every one is out to hurt us or is the same as our Xs, we cant expect Mr/Ms 100% perfect they hardly exist but believe me we can get damd near it by diligent searching and assessment.

What do we do after life’s immediate changes. Yes we may sit around for while and do nothing, wallow in our own hatred of what ever sex our Xs were, but, at some stage we will have to move on and try not bury ourselves in the quagmire of nobody loves me and I don’t need it syndrome, As I said earlier age is not a barrier in finding some special in your life again I’m now 59 and one of those who stayed in a loveless marriage for the kids, I still wouldn’t change that, as I believe that had I up and left my children would of had a worse life left in my Xs hands.

So after 26 years of marriage, 17 of which turned drastically into living with a dangerous alcoholic life changed. Now after 5 years of separation and 2 years of divorce, years of living in wilderness of very near abject poverty I met that someone, also a divorcee of the older days when women had no chance of anything that belonged to a man, I didn’t meet her in a pub or at work or even a blind date but here on the internet.

I’m not saying its for everyone, but what I do think is that with having that ability to chat each night you can find out what that person is like long before you meet them, we have chatted and I’ve told the truth at all times even to the point that I couldn’t afford to meet every week and go out, due to problems I had at the time, I offered meals I could cook to what I like to think is above restaurant standards, in a house that was not nice to the eyes but was very clean and cared for than 5 years earlier. She is the total opposite of my X and god has she changed my life, I do think that bit of "if only if could of been earlier” but who knows maybe we have to go through that bit in life that makes us value what we have later.

So go out there keep smiling, you smile at someone you get a smile back and things begin to change, give a kind word and you get kind words in return, even go to church if you want Ive not tried that one yet hehehe:woohoo:

  • gone1
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21 Nov 07 #7190 by gone1
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Blimey Max. Someone older than me? I thought I was the oldest on here. Haha.

Glad to see U have met someone. Its nice to hear a happy ending. So many dont make it. I for one am happy now and I have moved on. I have my own home (not sure if I get to actually keep it mind) and I can shut the front door to the world. That means a lot to me.

I used to dread the idea of restarting my life at age 52 but your only as young as you feel. Or the person U feel haha.

I am pleased with the way things have turned out so far and I know that I will be very poor at the end of it. But I don't care anymore. I have done it I got away and as I sit here looking around at my home I think I have achieved something.

I am glad it all happened now. I can only say that what happened defined me like nothing has ever before and like nothing ever will again(I hope).

I can do what I like when I like. I am free like I have never been before.

I did wallow in it for a while but I soon got over that. My future is in my hands good or bad. I have my ups and downs like everyone else. But life is like a box of chocks. I may end up in the gutter. But who cares? No one. As long as my ex dont get the chance to step over me than thats fine.

I am a very different person now. I was crap before all this. Now I am alive and ready to take on the world. I have stepped up to the precipice and looked over into the blackness and if anyone has read my blog then they will know what I mean. I am sticking around for a while.

Today I am very very very very happy. I dunno why. I just am. Bring it on world.

Its true about smiling Max. One day it just sticks and U dont stop. Nice one mate. Chris.

  • TMax
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21 Nov 07 #7296 by TMax
Reply from TMax
Good hear mike :)as they say. Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that we've decided to look beyond the imperfections in our lives.

Our bodies need to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But we have to keep searching for our body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time we are able to go beyond the bodies superficial desires for love, we are bringing our body home and moving toward integration and unity.

We have to remember when we hold resentment toward another, we are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness of us is the only way to dissolve that link and get free, anyone can give up, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

My Christmas wish for us all would be: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes in our thoughts, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss our lips, sunsets to warm our hearts, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for our eyes to see, friendships to brighten our being, faith so that we can believe, confidence for when we doubt, courage to know ourselves, patience to accept the truth, and Love that we may complete our lives.

  • Camberwick green
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21 Nov 07 #7306 by Camberwick green
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I too have someone else, he was there when everything was falling apart and I had no-one to turn to, and we too did most of the ‘finding out’ stage over the net although we worked together we were in an environment where we would have courted extreme prejudice just for being friends, which we were at first.

I was extremely wary, the amount of times I have beaten myself up over the things I’ve thought, the questions I’ve asked myself and Him, the sheer lack of trust in Him and my own judgement, and he waited!

I have myself been through this divorce lark before nearly 10 years ago, most of the Men in my life have wanted something from me other than just the love I could give, whether that be children (status in family circles) or money (Gambling/spending) but the pure love wasn’t there and they hurt me bad, the things that were said and done, the emotional torture and finally the fact of nearly losing my own Children because I just didn’t realise how badly the last had affected them!

I am looking forward now to a better life, a one where the Man in it loves me for being me, for what I give back when he puts the effort in to give me, the emotional stability, the financial stability, a life without fear, reprisals and dominance.

I say this… there is a better life out there, a better ‘other half’ than we have all had, but you have to put faith in yourself as well as others, but be wary not to fall into the same traps all over again, I did do it again but I can honestly say “never again” now!

  • OBEs 1 canoodly
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22 Nov 07 #7340 by OBEs 1 canoodly
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Hi there,

Wow,there's some heart rendering tales to be told ~ we all have a story tucked away somewhere ~ this is mine, or part of it anyway!

I married my childhood sweetheart. Knew him since I was 10 married at 19 - divorced at 22!! We are still great mates even now - he was too much like a brother to me. The only thing we fought over was who was going to get which end of the dog!!! I said I wanted the back end because the excersise to take it for its daily ablutions would do me good and any way it was cheaper because the front end ate too much!!

In the end, I got the dog, the whole dog and nothing but the dog!! ha ha ha!

I then felt as free as a bird and went on to enjoy my twenties along with that freedom and the friendships I made until I met my partner of 24 years of whom I had two wonderful kids with. He was 7 years younger than me but as Sky max said what is age if not but a number??

We seemed to be having a wonderful life together, nice house, kids at private school, great holidays, good business........good business??? Mmm well, it was good and I had invested all my hard earned money into it and him. Bless him I should have seen it coming, I really thought he was so good with money he seemed to have everything running so well but he lost every penny, put us very deeply into debt until eventual bankrupt!! Luckily, we never married otherwise we would have lost all the house, as single people I was allowed to keep "my half" (even though it was all mine they would only accept I owned half and they retained the other half as his!)

I then spent the next 16 years working my socks off (with him helping) to help bail us out of this situation only to find after all that and at the grand age of 49 (me) that he, having cleared his bankruptcy, had been building his creditworthiness back through credit cards, buying stock with them and the odd holiday which I stupidly thought was coming from what we were earning yet again....how stupid could I be??? But, I loved this man!! Or did I?? Actually I got the chance to do a "Shirley Valentine" through my job so off I went for 6 months and guess what I found myself!!! I thought I had been looking for someone else but I actually found me and I realised it was me that I was really looking for!!!I regret to say that while I was looking for me I did have a few little flings something I am not proud of and my kids found out and went against me. How was I supposed to tell them why I was doing these ridiculous things when I couldn't even explain it to myself I couldn't involve them, I couldn't explain to them how lost and empty and tired I was - it was a bad time and of course the onset of the dam menopause. They named me "loopyloo from lala land".

When I got back from my travels I met someone else who I thought I fell in love with and who I thought wanted me in the same way. I risked everything. Stupid stupid stupid!! I had been used to fulfil what was lacking in his marriage! Yes! I'm sorry to say he was married but had left her at the point that I'd met him but went back -
as they do! Once I realised how foolish I had been I resigned myself to the fact that I would stick with my spendthrift partner to help keep the peace with my kids and to keep him happy but would lead a seperate life and get on with building my business and other men could go to hell! Not an ideal situation but I think I chose to punish myself in a strange sort of way!

I felt so strong having made this decision and really started to move forward with my business plans and felt like I could start to hold my head up high. One evening a friend asked to meet me at our local. I really wasn't in the mood, it was shortly after my dad had died and I just didn't want to do anything. However something weird happened that made me walk to that pub that night even though I still didn't want to go.....

.......that evening I met OBE!!! Didn't fancy him one little bit! Older than me! I always attracted younger men!! Were they his own teeth??!! Ha ha ha. We became really good friends simply because he persued me but he still wasn't my type............

...............the rest is history oh how I love this wonderful man. This man is my soulmate - I had heard about soulmates but thought that was just other people's fantasies but it can happen and I thank God it has happened to me. I am richer than I have ever been (still skint) but richness in a happier, deeper, friendlier way and Sky you are right I now walk around with a constant smile on my face even on my down days....and yes the world does smile back!!!

I have been through 18months of hell trying to help OBE through his Divorce and it has proved one thing to me...this is now my life partner. There were times during the divorce that could have really put a huge divide between us but the friendship we developed at the beginning was the bond that holds us together now in our true and deep love for each other. I am sad that we may only have a very short time together but it will feel much longer than that of any other futile relationship I have had in my past.

So take note ... there is always someone to love and touch and hold and want out there who will give you the same back......it may take a while to find them but when it happens you will absolutely know.

May love and kindness bless you all!

OBEs 1

  • Specialdad
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22 Nov 07 #7344 by Specialdad
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Oh well if everyone else is opening up. I suppose if you cant beat them join them.

I was 16 when I met my first love. She lived a few doors down and she was to me the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. We clicked and saw each every day for nearly 4 years. She would visit me at unversity and went on holiday together etc.

One fateful evening I got a phone call at my office in the city from my mum that I was to rush home as my girlfriend had had a car accident.

I rushed to the hospital and she was lying there in great pain. Her parents were kind enough to leave me alone with her for her last few hours on this earth. Her last words to me were to be happy.

It took me 15 years of anger at God for what he had done to me before I could start thinking rationally.

I eventually met a lovely lady who is now my ex who saw through the pain and we settled to the usual home and 2 kids lifesytle.

But ultimately I knew that I was not a happy person inside and my ex said that though she would always love me I should live my life as I wanted to.

So I bear noone any malice and love my children very much and respect my ex and hope that I will join my first love one day in heaven.

Hope the above is not too heavy folks!! B)

  • OBEs 1 canoodly
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22 Nov 07 #7345 by OBEs 1 canoodly
Reply from OBEs 1 canoodly
Oh dear specialdad,

I don't think your first love would wish you to rush to her too soon knowing you have two lovely kids on this earth. Enjoy what you have now for as long as you can have it and be there for these two special earthlings you have created for as long as you will.......because once you join your first love you will be with her forever so I know she has time to wait for you and is probably guiding you now as we speak.......

OBEs 1

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