Do I apply for the Absolute ?

Hi

I am new to this site, so please bear with me.

My situation is this. Last July I applied and was awarded Decree Nisi from my wife, who at the time was being emotionally abusive to me, swearing, shouting and making me feel really small, even at the most trivial thing, eg for bumping into the fridge or something.

Sice then we spent 3 months apart, missed each other so much that we got back together and moved to the other end of the country to "START AGAIN".

We are now about 2 months down the line and nothing has improved. She is still swearing at me, and generally making my life hell. She says she loves me, but you wouldn't treat your worst enemy the way she does.

Now I don't know what to do. My gut reaction is to apply for Absolute but I still love her. My theory though is I would rather a happy life on my own rather than an unhappy one in a realtionship. I am 32 and we have been married for just under 5 years.

I am scared I suppose. I am worried I will be lonely and never happy again. I am an only child and the only family I have is my dad, not that I even have him really as he has moved on with his life since my mum died and has met someone new the other side of the UK and doesn't want to know me. So I will literally be starting again on my own.

Please give some advice. Like what to do at special times like Christmas if you have no-one at all to spend it with ?

The main decision I have to make is whether to apply for Absolute and then put the joint house on the market. We got financial solution from the courts on our previous house and the present house is in unequal shares in my favour, so presumably I don't need the courts approval again. Also how long do I have from the Nisi to apply for the absolute?

Please help me, as I am very depressed at the moment.

Thanks

Jim

Is your wife prepared to go to couples counselling (e.g. Relate) with you? If she thinks she is trying again then it might be a way forward.

Good luck!

Sadie

Hi Jim. It is scary being on your own but you are not that old to start again. I did it at 52 and I am fine. Its nice being on your own but it takes a bit of getting used to.

Its upto you what you do with your wife. I think you should set a time limit on things and try and get her to counseling as SS suggests. This way you will know that you have tried everything. There must be a reason why you wind each other up. Its not right that you should be treated this way and if the way its going to be forever you shouldnt have to put up with it. But its yr life mate. Chris

Hi Guys

We did go to Relate counselling the first time around (B4 we split last time)

These sesssions did make her see what she was doing, but then she goes back to old ways.

That's why I feel we are this time at the end of the road.

But it still makes me scared, to walk away. I feel we have tried everything, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I just don't want to live a life of regrets. Regrets for not walking away, but also regrets for staying in an unhappy relationship just because I am scared of loneliness.

Please help me if you have been through similar.

Also, does anyone know if there is a time limit between Nisi and Absolute.

Thanks

Jim
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable

Take a look at the link to hmcs document D187 for information regarding your Nisi/Absolute issue: www.nfm.org.uk/leaflets/decree-nisi.pdf

As the Petitioner you can apply for the Nisi to be made Absolute right now.

If you don't apply for the Absolute your wife, as the Respondent, can do so three months, six weeks and one day after the date the Nisi was pronounced. This figure sounds odd, but I believe it translates as six weeks and one day PLUS three months: i.e. three months after the date you were eligible to apply for the Absolute. If you were granted the Nisi five months ago, your wife is now likely to be eligible to apply for the Absolute.

Above are the MINIMUM periods of time that each party has to WAIT before they are eligible to apply for the Nisi to become Absolute.

If an application is not lodged within 12 months of the the decree nisi being granted and you subsequently want the court to make it Absolute, you have to submit a written explanation with your application. The explantion has to include: the reasons for the delay; a statement as to whether you and your wife have lived together (including any dates) since the decree nisi; and a statement as to whether any child has been born to your wife and if they are to be considered a child of the family.

I assume that if neither party ever applies for the Absolute, then the matter just sits with the court as a Decree Nisi.

Nobody on this site can, or should advise you whether or not to apply for the Absolute, because we are not you. We can offer support and acknowledge your pain.

Making decisions is very scary, because there is always the risk of getting it wrong, but I believe that everyone, deep down, knows what is right for them. They just have to stop and listen to their feelings!

I can empathise with some of what you say in your post. I lived with a control freak and bully for 27 years, because that was my only experience of relationships. I had an over critical mother, who would have left my dad had she not become pregnant with me and a father who was an emotional bully, so my self esteem was very low when I met my ex.

I literally 'woke up' one morning, 26 years later and began questioning the quality of my life and why this man had the right to treat me as he did. I went through HELL for three weeks, because every time I sat down, or closed my eyes, a showreel of my life played out before me; I saw nothing but pain, humiliation and unrealised dreams and could find very few 'happy' times.

It took me five months to make the decision to leave the marriage. I was scared stiff, because I had lived in the same house for 25 years and knew that I would be the one to leave. My life experience could be summed up as 'bin nowhere, done nowt'. I had no friends and my only family was a sibling who lived on the other side of the country.

I tried to leave several times, but my ex issued threats followed by promises that things would improve. When I look back at those times I feel that I was like a soldier in the trenches. Shells would explode in my trench and I'd climb the ladder to escape. I'd look over 'no man's land' and, just as I was about to make the dash, I would see shapes in the fog; these scared me to death, so I would climb back down and stay. I climbed the ladder HUNDREDS of times until one day I got to the top of the ladder and, looking back into the trench, saw that it was more horrible than 'no man's land' and, knowing that I would suffocate to death if I stayed there, I climbed out.

I was 50 years old when I left with what I was wearing at the time plus a knife, fork, spoon, cup, plate and a pan and I've never regretted it; even though it has been VERY hard to adjust to a new way of living.

Worn out. Someone nearly as old as me? haha. See it can be done and if you want you can do anything in life. But I agree it is hard at first. But what I like about alone is that failure or success is all on yr shoulders. But I must admit if you are sensible its hard to fail.

I seem to go thru phases. I had a towel phase a while ago. I just bought towels Chris

A friend of my brother has a slant on the concept of 'alone' - if you change it slightly it becomes 'all one'.

There is something quite liberating about 'being on your own'. I suddenly realised after a couple of months that I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted; buy what I wanted, when I wanted it and NEVER had to refer to another person!!!

When you live with other people, you have to do a hell of a lot of accommodating and if you are person with low self esteem, everyone else's needs come before yours.