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talking about feelings in a non-confrontational wa

  • peterc
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24 Jan 08 #11748 by peterc
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so as per title -just how do you do it?

my wife had an affair, says she loves me, but doesnt feel close or owt like that - wants to try to make it work, but each time i ask her how she is feeling she clams up and says 'stop pressuring me'. I feel like im being taken for a ride, but i just want her to try to talk to me :(

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24 Jan 08 #11749 by sexysadie
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She probably feels confused and so your trying to talk may well feel like pressure. See if you can get her to go to Relate with you, so that she feels that there is someone there to keep things safe for her.

Sadie

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24 Jan 08 #11751 by peterc
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we are going to relate - its just that i have forgotten what the relate person said to do :(- wether to leave it until next week or try to talk about things

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24 Jan 08 #11814 by sexysadie
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Under the circumstances you probably have no choice but to leave it to next week. You could talk when you get there about the problem of you wanting to talk and your ex feeling pressured by this.

I think if one feels the 'guilty' one in a relationship that has gone wrong then being asked to talk about it will make one feel more guilty. You are asking her to feel even worse than she probably does already. It does put you in a very difficult situation and you may have to bring out all your reserves of patience until she feels a bit less threatened.

I know it's a bit paradoxical for her to be the one that feels threatened, but I expect that is how she does feel. Relate will be a safer place for her to talk, and maybe the Relate person will be able to explain that you need to talk and it's not intended to be pressurising.

Sadie

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25 Jan 08 #11846 by peterc
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after seeing my councillor last night - he suggested that instead of me trying to get her to talk about her feelings - is for me to talk about my feelings and what i am going through, he said that it was a very simple assertiveness technique, in that if im not asking how she is doing she should start to open up and telling me how she feels

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25 Jan 08 #11868 by gone1
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peterc wrote:

after seeing my councillor last night - he suggested that instead of me trying to get her to talk about her feelings - is for me to talk about my feelings and what i am going through, he said that it was a very simple assertiveness technique, in that if im not asking how she is doing she should start to open up and telling me how she feels


Only problem with this is that it gets "all about you" and not about us. I would just leave it. Let things settle a bit. Its like a massive bruise. You have to let it settle down.

Are you sure she is not seeing someone else? Because this is classic behavior for a person having an affair. Chris.

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