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still wont leave, at the end of my tether!

  • lilyrose
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13 Feb 08 #13777 by lilyrose
Topic started by lilyrose
Some time ago I asked what I could do regarding the fact that my ex wont leave the house.

A quick recap

after 25 years of marriage ( a good percentage of it unhappy) I decided I'd had enough and told my H it was over. I asked him to leave but he refused. He said he wanted to give it another go and if things didnt work out in a couple of months he would leave. We have 3 children 1 at uni, 1 doing A levels and the youngest doing GCSE's. While I wanted to cause as little upset as possible ( some hope I know!) I couldnt bear it any longer. None the less I agreed to give him a couple of months.

So here we are 3 months further on, during which at no time did I ever give him any reason to think things were improving between us, and my feelings havent changed. I told him how I felt and again asked him to leave. And you've guessed it, he wont leave.

We are now sleeping in seperate rooms, although he told me over the weekend he is going to decorate the room (for when eldest comes back from uni) and where was I going to go then?

I cant afford to move to any where big enough for me and the children, the only option is for me to move in with my mum. I dont really want to do this as I am loath the leave the children with him. This is for purely practical reasons in that I know they would end up having to fend for themselves ( H is completely undomesticated) I have of course considered going back every day to help cook and clean etc, but this is hardly a viable long term option. The youngest is hoping to take A levels and I would like him to be able to have the stability of staying in the same house.

H has never been violent towards me or the children so I suppose I have no legal way of getting him out of the house.

He is trying all sorts of emotional blackmail (one minute he's making long term plans for us, the next its 'how can I be so selfish as to want to abandon the children' and that I'm such a b***h etc etc) to make me stay, but to be honest I cant understand just why he wants me to stay. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I dont love him, that I will never love him again and that there is no future for us. What is it that he is trying to achieve? Does he really think it is acceptable for me to be so unhappy and to simply 'exist' in this way? Doesnt he have any personal pride?

I dont know if I can stand it any longer, but I dont know what to do next.

Any advice gratefully recieved!


  • dukey
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13 Feb 08 #13786 by dukey
Reply from dukey
Hello im sorry to read your problems and there are no easy solutions, i can offer an insight to the way blokes think though my wife also told me she no longer loved me something i had kown for a long time but could not accept it i loved her could it be your H still loves you, many poeple find it almost immposable to let go even when they know there is no hope now or in the future, hand on heart after a year of seperation and all that has happened (none of it good) i dowt i would have the strengh to say no if she asked me back its a strange thing love.
Talk to him and keep talking hell get the message in time

  • mike62
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13 Feb 08 #13790 by mike62
Reply from mike62

I am sorry to hear that you haven't made any headway with him. He really ought to have got the message by now.

How about you start doing his research for him? Get some details of rentals locally and give them to him. Suggest that you go and have a look at a couple together. Stress the need for him to find somewhere where the kids could come and stay? Talk about suitable areas that keep school, friends, family reasonably local for the kids?

Ask him which furniture and bits he would want to be taking with him to his new place. He has to look beyond tomorrow.
Look out small ads in the local paper or supermarket for furniture. Get some boxes in for packing stuff in.

Make it crystal clear that you are expecting him to leave, without physically throwing him out.

Maybe a little feminine ploy of telling him that you need to understand how you are truly feeling and you will not be able to do that whilst he is living there. If he took his own place for six months it would give you chance to get your head and feeling together.

The next step is an occupation order and/or a non-molestation order. That is when it gets serious.

But try all avenues first. He really has had his chance to take some action himself.

Best of luck lilyrose - thinking of you


  • Fiona
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13 Feb 08 #13794 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
One option you have is to plough on with divorce and ancillary relief and get over and done with ASAP.

  • WornOut
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14 Feb 08 #13848 by WornOut
Reply from WornOut
I left the ex living mortgage free in the FMH four years and two months ago. The house was supposed to have been sold by June 2005. I filed for divorce two years ago and it took 15 months to get my Absolute.

The ex has obstructed both the divorce, the financial settlement and the sale of the fmh every inch of the way and I am now having to apply for Ancillary Relief because he wont accept 50% of all assets - it is also very likely I will have to apply to the court to get him evicted.

I could NOT have remained in the fmh with him, so I had to leave BUT my advice to anyone who is contemplating divorce is BE THE PARTY IN POSSESSION OF THE FMH - they say that possession is nine tenths of the Law and my ex has used this fact to his advantage!!!

  • lilyrose
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14 Feb 08 #13849 by lilyrose
Reply from lilyrose
Thanks for all your advice.

Dukey I think you may be right, he says he still loves me and is prepared to wait for me to 'come to my senses'. Unfortunately I know my feelings are not going to change.

I suppose it was unrealistic of me to think it was going be easy for him to let go. Part of the problem has always been that his love has been obsessive and controlling, he wanted to put me in a little glass cage and not let anyone else near me.

thanks for you idea it sounds like a good one. I think I will give it a go.

I have had an initial meeting with a solicitor but I need to take that one step further, it may be that being presented with it in black and white will finally make it sink in.
Thanks again


  • Specialdad
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22 Feb 08 #14712 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad

Sorry to say this but you have only yourself to blame. You should have as Fiona said gone to see a sol ages ago and you would have had a divorce and financial settlement by now.

So get the petition going, get the the financial settlement and start a new life.

Best of luck. SD

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