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Should I stay separated or start divorce proceedin

  • diamondangel
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20 Feb 08 #14499 by diamondangel
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Hi everyone, need some frank advice please as am new to this game. Apologies for the lenght of this, it takes a while to give the background before I can ask the question - Sorry.

In Dec 2007 my husband of 9 yrs and partner for 12 had agreed that he's get a vasectomy since we've never wanted kids and thought this was a sensible move. I'm 42 and he is 38. We were planning holidays and talking about the future and everything was fine and then over Christmas he got very withdrawn - this has happened at same time of yr for 2 years running) and on Jan 1st he announced without warning that he wasn't happy and was leaving immediately after our long awaited holiday at end of the month. He moved out on Feb 2nd into a male friend's house. He told me at the time that the vasectomy has made him realise he wanted kids and he didn't want them with me as he wanted to be the main breadwinner and have a traditional Mum. He said he wasn't going to look for anyone but he was sure it happen etc etc and the agreement was that we were separating and were single not separating to work on our marriage.

Everything was amicable and still is (just) until he told me on Sat (16th Feb, 2 weeks after leaving) that he was moving in with someone else who was 38 and had 2 girls aged 9 and 11. He said that she joined his Company in May but it wasn't until late Dec that they spoke. He admitted an instant attraction and connection but says that apart from a few chats at work, their only meetings have been a walk on 30th Dec (note the date) and the first date on the 8th Feb and from there he's basically spent all his time there and has moved in. He's actually paid her rent today. He swears blind that nothing physical happened until he left, he's have left anyway but she was the catalyst and that there has only been this limited contact but while I;d like to believe him it does sound odd to me and everyone I speak to.

The consensus is that either he was having a relationship of some kind even if not sexual before end Dec/Jan/Feb with her (and this was pre-planned)or she is very trusting or desperate or mad to allow a stranger to move in if she has kids. We are still talking etc and see each other as well to sort stuff out and walk dog etc and we still get on (although I'm reining in being mad at him for selfish reasons - i.e. it is in my iterests to ensure the house does get signed over to me) and he is very happy to let things move at their own pace, I'm the one pushing to buy him out of the house etc so I'm protected. Feels like he's keeping a foot in both camps.

I appreciate it is early days and I am still raw/cross and not very impressed with the introduction of someone else so soon (and the deception). However, as a result I have gone from being OK with separating (we are untangling the finances etc now) to filing for divorce on basis of adultery (legally I can it seems). I probably will wait until I have the house signed over though and lull him into a false sense of security which sounds terrible.

My thoughts are that a) He's moved on and I'd like to try to b)I can't see how I'd want him back even if he asked c) if we are going to have to do a load of legal stuff to separate and then do it again to divorce then we might as well do it now.

I did ask him about divorce before I knew we didn't have to wait 2 years and he wasn't bothered and seemed keen not to get new partner involved. I gather it will take 5 mths to divorce anyway.

So what do you guys think??

  • Emalou33
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21 Feb 08 #14570 by Emalou33
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I was absolutely amazed to hear your story, my husband also went through the same time thing, between Christmas and mid Feb he left me twice and became very distant during these times. We seemed on the surface to be happy, quite loving, sex was good, but then in Dec 06 he became withdrawn again eventually telling me on Feb 07 he was leaving because it was not working, he told me there was someone he wanted to have a relationship with. I found out that the relationship had already started and I now think had been going on for some time. He too told me no physical relationship but I cannot believe a man would leave his wife of 7 years, partner of 10 for a woman he had never slept with. I waited for six months before starting the divorce, hoping that he would come back, and eventually I got some advice, the trouble is I left is so long that although I am now going through the process re finances, I am in a mess and the maintenance pending suit hearing in next week 29th.

In my opinion and it is really your call, it would do you no harm to get your first free appointment with a local solicitor for some advice and maybe send a letter to him stating that you are considering divorce. If things are not genuinely as bad as you seperating your decision to move on may spur him to talk to you and reverse the situation - if of course you want that, if you don't then you may as well get on with it. As long as you are going through divorce you are in a way in contact and I think it is very hard to heal until all is settled.

Just my opinion, ignore me if you want to, I really hope you find some sunshine in all of this.

Emalou
xx

  • diamondangel
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21 Feb 08 #14593 by diamondangel
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Thanks so much, this really really helped. I have just raised the prospect of a divorce (nicely and practically) rather than staying separated for 2 years and I think my husband has freaked, he mutttered that he felt "irrelevant" I think because if I decicide to divorce he's have to go along with it given the circumstances. Well, forgive me for a brief moment of bitchiness but I felt pretty irrelevant when I was told he's made a unilateral decision to leave. Anyway,it may not change the outcome but it has at least given him a reality check that he can't just walk out to see if the grass is greener - it's not a game and has consequences. Really really appreciate your advice anyway.

  • Emalou33
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21 Feb 08 #14595 by Emalou33
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No Problem, anytime, my husband told me 'I don't think I can live with you anymore but the prospect of divorce terrifies me' - selfish git was seeing someone else whilst telling me this!!!!!

One day I hope he regrets what he has done, but I know my heart will be cold to him by then, I lose respect for him everytime he lies to me.

Good luck, and happiness...

xx

  • mike62
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21 Feb 08 #14598 by mike62
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Diamondangel,

The word 'consequences' spring heavily out of your story.

What planet is he living on? A foot in both camps?

If he can make such a life changing decision in such a short space of time and make a success of it, he is some kind of superman. I suspect not however.

You are being incredibly reasonable with him, and I do feel that you are quite wrongly suppressing some kind of guilt about him leaving. He is the bad person, not you.

From the outside, it would seem that he has no intentions of a reconciliation, so why delay the inevitable? Petition him now and start to get your life back on track.

The emotions are all over the place at a time like this, so it is hard sometimes to be objective - the doubts creep in - the what if?, could we? etc.

He has gambled a 12 year relationship, and to my mind, lost. Why so? Because I suspect that he has moved far too quickly and he will find that life with children is quite different to life without.

Be strong, and move things forward at the pace you are comfortable with. Take care of yourself

Mike

  • Gingerkitty
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21 Feb 08 #14602 by Gingerkitty
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OMG your story is similar to mine. Briefly, my X2B committed adultery Sept 06, I crumbled and begged him to stay but he said he couldnt trust me to change and to socialise with him. He continued to live in the matrimonial home and see his "mistress" three times a week (staying over with her). I felt degraded but my head said I still loved him and was willing to put up with things (stupid me I think now) because I almost knew that he would soon tire of her company as she had three boys (17,13 and 7) who he did not like at all which was he said the main reason not to move in with her. It was all very secretive and he thought he was king-pin. However, prior to all this happening, he showed me some photographs of an even he attended, she must have done too because the photos were in the photo wallet with her address on. I clocked this and remembered the address, so when he was being secretive and running off to her, I knew exactly where he was going. Yes, the comment in Mike62 post hits home "foot in both camps" - mine certainly thought this and I am ashamed to say I let it happen because he had made a total wreck out of me - dont let this happen to you.

To cut my very long story short and to advise you further as this post is about you and not me, I went to my GP who gave me some ADs and referred me for counselling. The counselling was the best move ever and really helped me to begin to like myself and to regain my self worth. You do not deserve to be treated by anyone in this way and there is a wonderful life out there to go live and enjoy. My X2B is now filing against me for unreasonable behaviour (!) which as my solicitor said can be something quite trivial, I do not have to agree to the particulars, and my sol is going to ask that the draft Petition is seen prior to filing anyway.

At the end of the day whatever the reason the marriage has broken down irretrievably. Start to believe in yourself and be strong. As with my X2B yours will have this on his conscience for the rest of his life, I told mine to look into the eyes of his mistress and ask himself "was she really worth it" - he has since said to me "NO", but its too late for him now. I am getting my life back whatever. Your emotions are running riot at the moment but be strong and go for it. You look after yourself and let him ruin his life and not yours.

Gingerkitty

  • annieo
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21 Feb 08 #14613 by annieo
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Please go and see a solicitor and an independent financial advisor- most of them offer initial free consultations. You need to be fully informed and focussed on what your options are before you discuss with your husband.

I know it seems like a nightmare at the moment but it will get better. Be strong.

Annieo

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