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Marriage falling apart!

  • L4N
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17 Sep 09 #147077 by L4N
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I am new to this. So bare with me.

My profile has me as thinking about separation. The truth is its my wife who wants us to separate.
Separation is the last thing I want as I love her so much.
Neither of us has played away. But the longer I think about all this I sadly have my doubts. I suppose its only natural.

My wife told me that she wants us to separate 6 weeks ago. We have had problems for quite some time. I work away alot. She has been unhappy for a long time as I say. But I never thought it would come to this.
I have been stupid possibly!

We haven't made any definate plans as yet thankfully because as long as I am in the house I feel I can work on trying to change her mind. I really don't want this as we have two young kids & I am really worried how they will take it & how it will affect them going forward in the future.

The 4 weeks I was home was hell. We are like to opposing magnets. Due to the fact I want to work at keeping us together but she wants us to separate. So its not been easy to say the least. In fact its been hell.

The only thing we have agreed on so far is that until we really know what we are going to do we won't tell the kids. No need to cause them any pain before they need to know.

I am also very confused as she tells me she doesn't want a Divorce. I look at that one way & think its a good thing maybe theres hope. But on the other hand she is so definate that we should split. I feel that would just be the 1st step down the line to divorce later on.

I have read alot of the stuff on tghis website and there are alot of far more sad storys than mine. Also a hell of alot of good advice & info from people who have, are going thru relationship & divorce problems.

I found it very good for me as my best friend is miles away. I know theres things like this e-mail & phones but you can't beat meeting up with a friend as well.

I also don't really know where I stand. I presume as there is no adultery of abuse that my wife can't demand that I leave the MH which we co own? She wants me too move out as she is finding it hard when I am there. It was never going to be easy when she new I wouldn't want us to separate. I wasn't just going to give up on us easily.

I have asked if she would consider councilling & she is adamant thats not happening.

I know that if this goes the way she wants we will certainly have to look at mediation or collaborative lawyers. Christ I feel really sad just writing the words.

Whats also making it so very hard is I know she is stressed about it. She keeps saying that she didn't come to the decision lightly.
But she is being so strong about how she deals with it. Its just crushing me. I think or know she is doing or being strong so that she doesn't change her mind or let me change her mind. I suppose its her way of dealing with it.

I have asked several times if we can have a trial separation. But she says she doesn't want to give me false hope. Then I am thinking but hold on you said you don't want a divorce! That confuses the hell out of me.

If anyone is going thru the same type of problem or has any views or info I would really like to hear them.


Thanx L4N

  • goldfish11
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17 Sep 09 #147078 by goldfish11
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Hi L4N

Sorry to hear your situation. Been in a similar situation myself and recently come out of a 14yr rel.

How long have you been together?

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17 Sep 09 #147079 by L4N
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Nearly 17 years.
Funny just noticed your post. I have tghought about trying that. My wife has in the past & what I can say is everything was pretty on the ball. re family & also that she was unhappy a poss job abroad for me. Thanx 4 your reply

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17 Sep 09 #147081 by L4N
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sorry GF11 I forgot to say sorry to hear that you went thru the same kind of situ as I am currently in

  • rubytuesday
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17 Sep 09 #147101 by rubytuesday
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L4N

Welcome to Wiki.

You must be very confused - your wife wants to separate but doesnt want a divorce. She wont talk about it, nor attend mediation/counselling. You could always attend counselling on your own, this would give you an opportunity to talk through your emotions, etc. Without a reason as to why your wife feels the way she does, its only natural for you to have doubts, and to question why.

You do not have to leave your home, under the current matrimonial homes Act, you have a right of occupation, as the house is the marital home, regardless of who bought it. The right of occupation ends when one party has been living away from the home for approx 2 years.

A trial separation would give you both some space to think and re-asses your relationship. It is possible to be legally separated, and indeed there are couples who are legally separated and lead independent lives, without the finality of divorce.

Everyone here has a "story" to tell - each is tragic in their own way, and no one is less important than another's'.

The decision not to tell the children until you both know what is happening is, I feel, a wise one.

The chatroom is a good place for moral support, pop in, you will be made very welcome. Some members like to blog - its a great way of expressing yourself and releasing bottled-up thoughts and emotions.

Ruby

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17 Sep 09 #147232 by goldfish11
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L4N

Not something I would like to say and it may sound harsh. But from what you have said I would start thinking of what the worse case scenario could be...... then start preparing for YOUR options forward which benefit YOU and your kids.

Plenty of advice on wiki as many people been through similar. I only wish someone had said this to me a long time ago.

All the best

GF

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17 Sep 09 #147238 by rubytuesday
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That's very sound advice, Goldfish.

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