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Resentment

  • Huska
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22 Feb 08 #14764 by Huska
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Hi,
Struggling at the moment with resentment towards my 2 daughters. Wife left and two girls (11,16) decided to go with her and new man because she promised the moon and lots of material benefits. My son (14)wanted to stay with me and the two of us are struggling like mad to keep our heads above water while the other halfs live a nice life. Struggling to have positive feelings towards my girls when they visit.

  • Tinny
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22 Feb 08 #14765 by Tinny
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Huska
Why? Its not your daughters fault. I realise you are having a tough time but its the kids who are caught in the middle.

Can I add, more as a personal aside,I really envy the fact that you have one child living with you and that the other 2 visit. I see very little of my kids.


Tinny

  • unic
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22 Feb 08 #14770 by unic
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Hi Huska,
I can well understand your feelings, but my advice to you would be to be grateful that the girls visit and whenever they do do all you can to build a family unit.
Think how much worse it would be for you if they did not visit!
They will pick up on your misdirected resentment and it will impact on your relationship unless you lose it fast

Good luck

  • Huska
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22 Feb 08 #14773 by Huska
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Hi,
I know its wrong, and I am grateful that I can see them but I feel like such a loser because I can't take them shopping or buy them nice things like they get with mum and new boyfriend. And I hate the fact that there is a bit of 'showing off' especially when I have my son with me and he can't get all the nice things and nice life that they have - and I'm paying for it in maintenance etc. My wife ran up debts and ran off leaving me to clean up the mess.I'm so proud of my son sticking with me and less so with my daughters who I fear will are getting all caught up in the material world like my wife is.

  • ariesgirl63
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22 Feb 08 #14774 by ariesgirl63
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Hello Huska,

Your children are the innocent victims caught up, and right in the middle of, your marriage break up. Think how horrible it must have been for them to have to make a decision on who they lived with. One minute they have the security of both loving parents and then the next they have to decide who they 'give up'. Whilst I appreciate this is a generalisation I think there is a tendancy for girls to gravitate towards their mothers and boys to gravitate towards their fathers as has happened in your situation. Please, please don't push the resentment you feel towards your wife onto your daughters. They need to know that despite all that has happened they are still loved by both parents. Your time with them should be precious, you do not want to risk pushing them away and eventually losing contact with them altogether. There are many devastated men who post on here regularly who are denied access to their children by selfish wives, at least you still have contact with yours. Start planning activities that you and your 3 children can do together to fill your contact time and enjoy being a family together. Value your daughters and their childhood - its soon gone!

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22 Feb 08 #14779 by ariesgirl63
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Huska, It is only natural for young girls to like the material things that their mother can buy, but the novelty will wear off. They will love and appreciate you for who you are and your love and support of them, not for what you can afford to buy them. This will come as they mature.

Please do not think you are a loser, because you are not. You are doing a sterling job in a very difficult situation and I take my hat off to you. Have you made sure that you are claiming everything that you are entitled to? I presume you are only paying CM for your 2 daughters. Are you claiming CM from your wife for your son? Are you claiming child benefit for your son and tax credits? Are you paying SM for your ex? if so her cohabitation may mean you no longer have to pay anything. Have a good look at your finances. If you are not yet divorced I suggest you start the process and get your financials sorted so that you know where you stand. Best wishes.

  • megan
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22 Feb 08 #14793 by megan
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The girls are getting all the material things they need so you don't have to concern yourself with that. Give them your time your love and your understanding. Try and make their time with you fun and interesting. Why would you try to compete with buying them it's not what they want or need.
Good luck

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