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How do you become friends??

  • nashville098
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09 Mar 08 #16289 by nashville098
Topic started by nashville098
I would like some feedback on how after a difficult seperation, you can remain friends, maybe not even friends just be able to communicate. It is so frustrating, we were once great friends as well has husband and wife, what happens?? I am so confused as to how I can just converse about the kids, not asking much we both chose to have them. Mine is a long boring story, but in a nutshell we were married 22 years, our kids are 16 and 12, they told me he was seeing someone else, bad enough this was over two years ago. Been very difficult to support the kids when Dad thinks its all me?? he walked out. I have lived with my kids hurting thier questions etc and he made me mad cause of his couldnt care less attitude. But now Im further down the line and he cant talk to me regarding the kids, and him a Social worker. All I have ever wanted was for my kids to see thier Dad and be happy, they get resentful, he has a new girlfriend, which is ok by me but how can I tell them he loves them more, when they think different. It all seems so confusing and difficult, I dont want to be in this position over two years on.

  • Mrs Ingledew
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10 Mar 08 #16354 by Mrs Ingledew
Reply from Mrs Ingledew
I have no answer.
I haven't spoken to my ex since last October. We ahve 2 children 7 and 14. He last spoke to my 7 year old last November. Texts my son occasionally.

I just say to them that Dad loves them but needs space.

Friends and relatives say ti takes time and in some cases you can be civil in the future and in others you never speak again...

a waste of many years but I think occasionally of the good times now...

  • ambeljazz
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10 Mar 08 #16361 by ambeljazz
Reply from ambeljazz
I agree..
I've been divorced for almost 4 years now... my ex refuses to be in the same room as me... our three children do not speak of me to their father!! My daughter jokes that she will have to have 2 weddings, one for me & one for her dad... this is all despite him remarrying and apparantley being happier than ever!! I never did understand that man!!
My new partner is in the process of divorcing... he's tried everything to keep things amicable, maintain a friendship in order to be 'parents' together however his ex2b has only ever been interested in punishing him for leaving. His patience has run out now - how can you be friends with someone who constantly attacks you & uses the children as a weapon for this?
So, I've come to the conclusion that what will be, will be... friendship will only happen if both parties want it to.

  • suzy_sue46
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10 Mar 08 #16426 by suzy_sue46
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It`s very difficult, I`ve been seperated for 4 months and he sees his child every weekend I have offered to change plans to accomodate him but he seems to think I`m using the offers for other motives. I now refuse to bite to his provication and we have not said much to each other except to do with the child or the divorce. Think recently we might have turned a corner however time will tell.

I think the only thing you can do is try to talk to him via text or email(at least you have copies for the future should you need to clarify anything with the kids) and hope he responds, word it so that you don`t appear to be having a pop at him but state the kids miss him and would like to see him, he then has a choice.

Hope it works out

Sue x

  • Fiona
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11 Mar 08 #16530 by Fiona
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I think being friends is a tall order and for most people may be the best to hope for is being civil. That sometimes means having as little as possible to do with each other and letting the other parent parent to the best of their ability in 'their' time. Preadolescents and adolescents are at a development stage when they make rigid moral judgments and can hold a stance of anger for a long time so it 'isn't at all uncommon for them to be angry about a parents new partner, particularly if the children feel the new partner was responsible for their family breaking up. Unfortunately if Dad isn't sympathetic it compounds the problem. Relate offer family counselling in some areas and it might be worth considering.

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