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How do you handle contact when separated

  • diamondangel
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12 Mar 08 #16579 by diamondangel
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Hi - in case you haven't come across my previous posts, I am recently separated from my husband of 12 years as he wanted children all of a sudden and a week later he'd moved in with another woman and her 2 kids. Although a horrible and slightly surreal situation as it happened very fast, we are still amicable and seem to be resolving practical and financial stuff quite pleasantly for which I'm truly grateful.

However, the emotional side is much more complicated and I'd welcome some advice.

For the first few weeks,he was calling, texting and emailing and coming round to chat until I told him that it was just upsetting me and that we should only contact by email on practical and financial stuff.

He's respected this but said and I quote "You are still someone I like and care about so I want contact. I do not like the thought that 12 years are so meaningless and will just be assigned to history once things are resolved. I appreciate that we will handle this initial stage very differently so will accept whatever you feel comfortable with but long term I hope we will still have regular contact"

Now the problem I have is that I am in 2 minds how to proceed.

The nasty part of me doesn't want to have anything more to do with him after he replaced me so fast and that makes our relationship feel meaningless and make me want to just delete him from my past - why should I be second best?

On the nicer side it would be lovely to think that he would still be there to support or help in the future and we do get on really well still. I don't regard is as a way to get back together, I think we are sadly past that.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face but at the same time I don't want to be a doormat and let him walk away and end up with a new model and the old one albeit in different roles. HELP!

  • Elizabeth
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12 Mar 08 #16591 by Elizabeth
Reply from Elizabeth
This is a tricky one! Your thoughts are very balanced I must say, It would seem he is handing you some control on this so perhaps go with the "nice side" of things as you put it. I don't think you will be a doormat, you sound too switched on for that!

I have a friend in a similar situation to you - they share access with the children so regularly see each other - strangely he (the injured party initially) still buys his wife presents on her birthday/christmas etc - he has someone else in the house they shared for 12 years and is playing happy families.

It's very difficult to say but whilst things are still pleasant I would be tempted to keep it that way - but with you calling the shots - obviously I can't be specific...

Wish you all the best...

  • diamondangel
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18 Mar 08 #17136 by diamondangel
Reply from diamondangel
Thank you so much Elizabeth, really helped. We are still amicable although I'm putting the brakes back on the friendship thing again as he seems to expect me to want to listen to how wonderful his new immediate family are...?Am I over sensitive or is that just completely selfish

My tough stance has been reinforced but the fact I have just learnt that my newly errant husband is taking his new partner of 6 weeks plus her 2 kids to meet his family over Easter. Never realised I was quite so easy to replace... Thank God we didn't have kids as they'd be left high and dry - he can't even manage to see the dog he got and then left me to look after.

Currently back to only communicate by email about practical/financial/legal stuff route and stop asking if I'm OK and trying to chat about stuff.

Divorce is starting to have some appeal already...Thank God for friends (both real and virtual)and family.

Anyone who has experienced anything similar please tell me I'm not the only one whose husband appears to have lost the plot...

  • Gingerkitty
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18 Mar 08 #17137 by Gingerkitty
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Hello - I've got one who has lost the plot too!! Committed adultery but continued to live with me and share my bed. Tells me, even though he is divorcing me on the grounds of UB that he loves me, will always love me and no-one will ever take my place in his heart but he just cannot live with me. However admits that he can live with me "some of the time". Hasnt got the decency now that he is divorcing me cos he says he cant live with me to move out, its all so frustrating but in a strange way makes me stronger. Keep strong and focused and do what YOU want to do not what others want you to do.
GKx

  • juttabeck
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18 Mar 08 #17149 by juttabeck
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Another thing you may wish to consider when making your decision is what effect does this have on his new partner? Does she know about all this contact? How does she feel about it? She is only human as well, and loves your husband - would you still consider him a good person with honourable intentions if she knew nothing about this?

  • diamondangel
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19 Mar 08 #17203 by diamondangel
Reply from diamondangel
Good point about his new partner although I have to say she is not my main concern and am slightly dubious about any woman with 2 young girls who would move an unknown man into her house, particularly if last partner was abusive and an drug and alcohol user. Yes I know I shouldn't judge...

I have asked by ex about this contact and how his new partner feels and will feel in the future and his view is that it is his decision, nothing to do with her and he wouldn't want to be with any woman who didn't appreciate his relationship with this ex wife. You may be able to see a pattern emerging where his needs come first...

But being mature hopefully the limited contact will work to everyone's advantage -maybe less so for him.

Thanks for letting me vent!

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