I don't know what to do.

I have been with my current husband for 16 years. After our first 7 years together, (we met when we were only 20 years old) we decided to get engaged. About three months after that, I found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old girl. He promptly kicked me out of his house (my name was not on the deed) and moved her in the same day. He lived with this girl for two and a half years and still kept a relationship on the side with me the entire time. I should have never done such a thing, but I believed I still loved him and held out hope of a second chance for us. Unfortunately for me, he did end up dumping her and we got back together. Fast forward 7 more years later. I finally feel comfortable and stable enough to marry him and want to start a family finally. We buy a second house and spend a year remodeling it and planning our wedding. We get married (after waiting 15 years...)and move into our beautiful new dream house, rent our other house and start trying to conceive a child and life is wonderful. Until I find out about 7 months later that he is having an affair with a 24 year old that he met in a convenience store and whom lives about 15 minutes from our new home. How convenient. I hired a private investigator to get proof so I could divorce his sorry you-know-what and also find out that he has a post office box that women would send photos and letters to in order to contact him to set up times to meet with them. He has a locked office so I call a locksmith and have them open it. I find some of these letters and photos. I also find a million phone numbers of countless girls. Apparently, he was giving out his phone number to every female in the tri-county area. I starting looking through his financials. He inherited a lot of money that I didn't know about, had checking accounts I knew nothing about and he already made three times as much as I did, yet expected me to pay 50% of all the bills. I also found out that my name wasn't on this house and I was entitled by the laws of this state, to pretty much nothing. Great. Anyway, even after I found all of this out, I was desperate to win back my husband because I still loved him deeply. He told me that he was never coming back and was quite nasty to me whenever I did see him. I didn't eat, sleep or do anything but go to work and counseling and cry for about four months. Then I got mad. I filed for divorce immediately. I started going out with friends and was introduced to a wonderful person by a friend of mine. I agreed to go out with them just for fun, one time, just to get out of the house. One time led to two, and so on. He is a wonderful person who treats me with respect and is kind to me. I care for him very much. I don't know if I love him or not, but he's been such a blessing through all of this. I have been seeing him about 4 months at this point. About two months into seeing my new "friend" my husband decides that he wants to dump his girlfriend and come back home. I told him forget it. He comes back anyway and I can't stop him because it's not my house. He begs, cries, pleads forgiveness and I tell him no. He throws me out of the house and I end up living with my grandmother now. He still calls me every day and sends me text messages, begging me to come home, professing his love and devotion and saying that he wants to be married now and he wants a family and that he will never do it again if I only give him this one last chance. As I type this, I realize how retarded I am to even ask this question. If I wasn't the one in this situation, I would give the advice to run, not walk, but run away. The problem is, I really do still love my husband. I probably shouldn't but I do and am considering giving him one last chance. If I do this, I will lose this wonderful person I have in my life currently. Does anyone think this is a risk worth taking? Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi

I just came across this website as was feeling low myself. I just read your posting and really wanted to say that I understand how you feel. You should try not to put yourself down all the time though, cos it is so much easier to look at it black and white and say you must be crazy. You have feelings for him and they are not going to go away just like that. This horrible situation has been inflicted on you , so it was not your choice to be in this situation. But it is your choice to break the cycle and give yourelf a chance to start again or to give it another go with your husband.

I think I am like you where we think with our heart and they know us and how we feel so they manipulate us. It does look like he knows he can play you like a yo yo when it is convenient for him. I think you need to ask yourself why you think it will be different this time and whether you want to take that risk. How would you cope with another disappointment? Only you can make this decision. Like you I often look to others to help me make a decision. And although I dont like admitting it, I think I really want them to tell me that the decision I want to take i.e. to give him another chance, is in fact the right one.

All I can say is that, if you go into this relationship again then do so without the rose tinted on. Dont expect anything and that way if it works it will be a pleasant experience and if not, then you werent expecting anything and so wont get hurt.

I have made all my decisions based on my feelings and like you I still love my husband although we have been separated for three years and have 3 kids he doesnt bother with - and yet he calls me daily for no real reason. Somehow I live for these calls- I look forward to the calls and then get upset after them cos its a reminder that we are not together. I am jealous of his friendships which a too close for comfort but he denies everything. We dont see each other other than on the road. Its crazy and very complex.

I have to say that people who make their decisions using their head are usually much better off. But those of us who think with our heart, well we seem to get all the knocks. He needs to prove his committment to you and offer you something. I he is sincere he should be concerned about your welfare and maybe put your name on the deeds of the family home. After all he wants a family with you. He needs to establish some trust. Dont worry that you will drive him away by being a little demanding. Cos if this worries him, his intentions towards you would unfortunately not have been sincere anyway.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

What about the new guy? What the hell has he done to deserve you dumping him for your ex. Perhaps you should be giving the chance to the guy who DIDDNT abuse you time and time and time and time and time again. Your ex doesnt give a sh*t about you he's just out of girls to run arround for him for the intrum and you'll do because you'll make it home sweet home for him. A man like that is laughing behind your back to feed his ego. couse if thats the way you like it then be my guest. Your heart cant think because its not a brain, it just pumps blood around your body which keeps you alive enough to fech his slippers.

Steve

Please think carefully before you have him back because that is what it sounds like you're going to do. He hasn't changed in all this time and you are his security blanket.....till something pretty shows up. Your guy seems to like the buzz, that addiction is hard to break. Nobody should have a room that is not entered by others.....does he admit anything you haven't found?

Please consult a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to - if you pay 50% in surely you get that out. If you go back (please don't) then get all the finances sorted then when he does it again you can at least get yourself a haven.

My heart goes out to you because you are not where you want to be but there is a blank page ahead....What do you want to fill it with?

I hope it comes right for you, don't let the other guy fall in love with you.

S

Hi,

You've been through a rough time and have been treated very badly by this man. It's not really for anyone to say what you should do but as you have asked, I would recommend trying this exercise.

Imagine you are looking down on yourself from above and watching every move you make - draw it - using short sentences next to EXACTLY what has happened - this will help keep you focused on what has gone on in the past - draw a box and put your feelings in this at each point - e.g. after he first had the affari - then the subsequent events that followed - keep it fairly brief but include the important details.

I know your heart is broken - you may be "in love" with the memories or what you really wanted from him out of the marriage - my first reaction is that he does not deserve a second change - you will always be wondering - when is the next 19/24 year old brainless shop girl going to be around?

You have found a man friend who sounds like HE deserves a chance - sometimes us females are "in love" with the "bad boy" type - it's not love - it just seems like it!

Take a step back - sit in a dark room listening to your favourite music and give yourself a real opportunity to think about what future you want...

Thank you to everyone who responded to me. I know in my heart that I should carry on with the divorce and never look back and I don't know why that has been such a hard thing to do. I should be angry and disgusted at this point and I'm rather frightened that something may be horribly wrong with me because I'm not.

The new guy has done absolutely nothing to deserve me dumping him. He seems to be everything that every woman is looking for and the man that I always wanted my husband to be. He's hard working, honest, trustworthy, respectful, kind, sincere and attentive. He has supported me through all of my ups and downs and never once has he judged me or attempted to tell me how I should handle anything. He only listens. I know that he cares for me deeply and has hopes for a future together. I care for him very much as well and when I think about hurting him, it makes me feel sick inside.

Perhaps my husband and I do have some sort of toxic, addictive relationship that should have ended a long time ago. He knows how to get to me and has said all of the "right" things to make me think twice about my decision to divorce him. It was easy to walk away when he left me and said he was never coming home. I only wish he had kept going.

My biggest problem is I keep playing the game of "what if." What if he really is sorry this time? What if he has really changed? What if I leave him and I regret it for the rest of my life? And then there's the other side...What if I leave behind the other man that I am seeing to get back with my husband only to end up in the same place a few years from now? How could I leave someone so wonderful that only has the best of intentions towards me? How could I be so selfish to hurt someone that has done nothing but give me the best that he has to offer?

And no, my husband has never admitted to anything else except for what I found out on my own. And this would be his third chance, not the second. That is in regards to lengthy "major" affairs. I have found out about quite a few "one nighters" as well. God only knows what I don't know about. He didn't even admit to the affair until I threw the photos that the investigator took in his face so he could see them for himself. He never could tell me why he did it. The only reason that he came up with was that he always feels that something is missing in his life but didn't know what it was and that after this last affair, he finally realizes that it wasn't another woman that he needed to fill this void. This made me feel horrible because he seemingly married me thinking that I wasn't enough for him.

So, everything tells me that leaving this a$#hole and getting on with life is the best thing I could do. I just can't fathom as to why I am having such a hard time doing so. How could I still want to be with this man? I think I am just terrified of starting over again at 36. But on the other hand, do I want to wake up at 46, dealing with the same thing all over again? So, I know what I need to do and should do but can't seem to make myself do it. This is why I continue to go to a counselor.

Thank you again for your replies. They have been very helpful and I appreciate the time you took to write to me.

Cher

Hi

Whatever you feel is fine. Don' t think that there are right and wrong ways to feel..We all go at our own speed. It is three years since i split and it does get better all the time but i know i havent arrived even now. But then i always was a bit slow!

What i would say is it doesn't matter if this new guy is wonderful on paper , if he doesn,t float your boat then he is not the one. The one is out there for you ...i remember thinking ( sorry if it sounds a bit bonkers) that on the last day of my life I would rather say I tried , than ,would things have been better if i had tried.

Life is for enjoying and its taken me three years to feel that again and i do still have bad times (usually 3am). Radio 5 live works for me.

I think that he may have dented, nay, bulldozed your confidence and you need to believe in yourself. I reckon if he tried all these others and still came back to you then you don't have anything missing, its him, you are someone special and you wont be on your own for long.. Don't go back with the old or stick with the new for safety reasons. Whats the saying....Fortune favours the brave. I wish you good fortune!

Sallyanne