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Waiting for her to go

  • samchik1
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25 Mar 12 #319996 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
So she''s dropped the bombshell. She is off...to London. Loves me but not in love with me...blah blah blah. I''ve done my begging, crying, and pleading...to no avail, she''s off. She''s turned into the selfish monster folks on here have warned about.

Only thing is, she has to find a flat. A few problems there: she doesn''t earn (full time mature student) and will need to get a flat from benefits. Not many such flats about...landlords need security. That means she needs help...you can guess what''s coming. Should I be her guarantor in order to make this quick - or is that dumb? My family think it would be like allowing her to kick me in the nuts and paying her for doing so as she destroys our family and walks away?

This morning she burst into tears. Says she sees she''s pushed herself down a path she might not ultimately want to take. She''s forced her own hand so to speak. I feel she''s looking for me to say "don''t worry dear, go try this, and come running back if it''s not for you."

  • hawaythelads
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25 Mar 12 #319997 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads

You will be well and truly lumbered if you do.
You think you don''t recognise this thing now.
Give it another month.
Somehow it will do things to turn you over that you think only a psycho on a movie would be capable of.
Tell her you are not prepared to guarantor her rent as you are trying to extricate yourself from being linked to her financially not get more involved.
All the best

  • Mitchum
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25 Mar 12 #319998 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
Samchik,I read your blog and I imagine you knew really that this was going to happen. I''m sorry you need to be here but you''ve already realised that you will get every kind of legal and emotional support.

A good place to begin is probably the helpline - see the number top right - to assess your choices.

Don''t react to emotional pressure; no knee jerk reactions. Your family and friends are only looking out for your best interests. They''re going to be your main emotional support system when the divorce process begins.

Virtual Wiki friends are very good listeners and will respond with advice and sharing their experiences.

Welcome to wiki; not a place you really wanted to be but you''ll be glad to have wikis along on your journey because you won''t walk it alone.

  • leftwondering
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25 Mar 12 #320008 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Hey Sam,

Have you sat down and explained to her calmly, that if she wants to leave the marriage and your son, that once she walks out that door then she''s on her ownio.
No favours. No enabling her to neglect you and your son for her own selfish pursuits.

Also tell her that if she is not in love with you...then fine..beat it...you''ll find someone else who does.

If she wants to come back then tell her the student life fantasy is over and to get a job in Bath and start contributing to the household.

You never married her to facilitate her studies, progress and eventual independence.


  • Shoegirl
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25 Mar 12 #320010 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
My stbx moved out into his own flat after he left some 40 minutes away to be nearer the ow.

He absolutely expected me to pay half his rent. Yep you read it right. He expected be to pay half for the rental from which he would conduct his affair. I should add that this was 6 weeks after I had been made redundant from my director level role. Oh yes and he also wanted to take half of everything too crockery, electrical items knowing that I had no income and no prospect of replacing them.

Now I told him I had no intention of financing his affair and told him nothing jointly owned left the house until we reached an agreement. It''s important I think not to be an enabler of their poor choices. Mine stomped about a bit but I just said "your actions have consequences"

I felt strongly that he should learn from the natural consequences of his choices. It was not up to me to provide a soft landing into his new life particularly when he treated me with utter contempt.

A year on, I''m in a much better job, greater salary and prospects. My life is getting better all the time.He''s not doing so well but then that''s conseqences for you.

Say no, get rid and stay strong. You don''t want to risk paying her rent only to find she''s moved Ned the student in and you are keeping them both. Sorry to be harsh but as Pete says, you don''t recognize them after a few months.

  • jjones123
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25 Mar 12 #320031 by jjones123
Reply from jjones123
Some really sound advice on this thread. Like you, I was subjected to that, ''I love you but not in love with you'' claptrap. It''s rubbish. You don''t deserve to hear such tosh.

Don''t give her any money.

Take steps to secure your own finances before they try to take resources without you knowing.

When they start spouting that ''not in love with you'' nonsense, they start (or are already) behaving irrationally.


  • Nota
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25 Mar 12 #320037 by Nota
Reply from Nota
It''s a no-brainer really!
Keep your hands in your pockets.
Let her deal with it. She wants it, let her fund it.
You''ve got enough to deal with.

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