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When they leave the door ajar...a teeny bit

  • samchik1
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29 Mar 12 #320596 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
"Maybe...in a few months I''ll realise what I have with you"

"I might be back on the doorstep within a month"

"Maybe this will be the biggest mistake of my life"

"If YOU still feel this strongly in a few months about me, then it shows me how much you must have loved me..."

"I feel like our relationship can never go back and that if we do get back together this has to happen first"

Over the last two weeks, comments like these have been like showing candy to a baby. They''ve given me tiny rays of hope to cling on to...and in my current mindset (I still love her right now) it''s no surprise that I''m really latching onto these comments. Ultimately, I haven''t given up on the idea that the door is "openable" again :blush:

Problem is, it feels like I''m not truly beginning the process of grieving and moving on while in this place - like I''m waiting while a dieing relative is on life support in a pretty hopeless condition - can''t grieve for them until I "know" they''re dead and buried...because while they''re not there''s always a chance.

How do you deal with that? My family explain away her comments by saying that she''s bound to say such things...it gives her a get out clause and is ultimately yet another selfish move on her part. Some say it''s just to shut me up until she gets me out of her hair...my love sick heart doesn''t care about these possibilities and desperately clings onto them :blush:

  • Marshy_
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29 Mar 12 #320600 by Marshy_
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Hi Sam. Words again. These words are not information. Its someone thinking aloud. We can all write poetic words of love. And make statements that are frankly wishful thinking.

She is not helping you at all. She is messing with yr head. However, I am sure that you are as confused by her words as I would be if I was in your shoes.

What I suggest you do is look at her actions. What has she done? Actions always betray our motives. If we do one thing and say another thing then the thing we **did** is our true intent rather than the thing we said. Its as simple as that. Listen to the words then you will go round and round in circles never getting anywhere. The gospel according to the Marsh.. C.

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29 Mar 12 #320602 by Mitchum
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No wise words to ease your pain. I''ve been there and I know. You are now going through the very worst time and it feels like a massive pain in your chest and your life is in tailspin.


She''s playing with your emotions,your good nature and your bank balance. You wouldn''t want her to stay just for financial reasons would you but she is reliant on you until she''s in a position to earn. One sure way to find out is to set her free to go. She thinks it''s going to be easy to live in London? Wrong! You''re not her father whom she may have fallen back on to pick up the pieces. You are her husband yet she''s experimenting to see whether she can live without you but leaving the door ajar in case it all goes wrong. Help her with the exercise - let her go.

Take care.

  • hawaythelads
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29 Mar 12 #320603 by hawaythelads
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"Maybe...in a few months I''ll realise what I have with you"

What she really means
If Pigs grow wings and start to fly.

"I might be back on the doorstep within a month"

What she really means
If you fail to pay the money into my account by standing order.

"Maybe this will be the biggest mistake of my life"

What she really means
I''ll use MAYBE AGAIN...but I doubts it, he just ain''t taking the hint!!

"If YOU still feel this strongly in a few months about me, then it shows me how much you must have loved me..."

What she really means
Shows her how much you loved her......NO MENTION OF ME EVER LOVING YOU THERE!!

"I feel like our relationship can never go back and that if we do get back together this has to happen first"


What she really means
Look it''s over matey.I can NEVER GO BACK(can''t be much clearer than that) I just want to go this HAS TO HAPPEN!!

You are really over analysing and trying to pull shreds of hope out of statements that are all plainly stating I WANT OUT!!

Take the hint mate she''s actually delivering it in a 2 by 4 round the head but u still ain''t getting it.

All the best
Pete xx

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29 Mar 12 #320616 by PinkDuck
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Sorry... smacks of Cake and Eat It

If it doesn''t work out the way she wants it to she can always keep you on standby .... after all ... you would be better than nothing.... Right?

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29 Mar 12 #320636 by Dazed
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Hi Sam,

I''m so sorry that you are gonig through this. Seperation is hard enough & this type of comment from your ex really messes with your head.

I speak from experience - I had this limbo thing going on for the better part of two years & it''s about them wanting to have a back up plan in case things turn sour for them - however they put it.

My ex spun this for ages & like an idiot, I really started to belive in him again. However, when push came to shove & I gave him the ultimatum, he just didn''t have the balls to go through with it & said he "needed more time" to end his affair with OW. At this point I thought that if he wouldn''t put me first after 13 years of marriage & after everything he had put me through, then I was out of there. He talked the talk but didn''t walk the walk - so to speak.

As soon as I took back control, I felt much better - this living in limbo is truly awful but trust me - she''s keeping you warm just in case. You deserve way more. I know just how hard it is to remove yourself when they throw a little lifeline every so often & you think everything could be back to normal again but you just have to put yourself first. What she''s doing to you is cruel & selfish & you don''t do that to people you care about.

Be strong & take care.

Dazed. xx

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29 Mar 12 #320637 by freefalling
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You are her soft place to fall. I can''t believe this comment:

"If YOU still feel this strongly in a few months about me, then it shows me how much you must have loved me..."

You have nothing to prove. You have shown her, not just told her about how committed you are to her and your family. Alarm bells should be ringing loudly. What love has she shown you? How will she prove how much she loved/loves you if she comes back or will it just be for convenience? Sorry, my stbx did exactly that. He said, "I care for you deeply and maybe it''s best if we separate." I lived in limbo for 6 months, he came back, I trusted and believed in his commitment to my and his daughter until I discovered his secret life. Then all bets were off. He came back because it was convenient. He had his bit/s on the side and a slave at home. NICE!

In your blog you wrote that you don''t trust her - listen to yourself, that little voice inside you is almost always right. That''s one thing I learned from my own experience.

Take care

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