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Today

  • Sunshine10
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29 Mar 12 #320640 by Sunshine10
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My husband has just walked out the door. Even then I had to pack his bag. I don''t know if I''ve done the ''right'' thing. But today I just realised that I want to love someone who loves me back. He said the only thing holding him back this past month has been the kids (these are the same kids that he doesn''t bother coming home from work to see). And of course he doesn''t want to hurt me. I''ve been crying all morning but strangely I stopped when he left. Already I just told someone that we couldn''t make dinner next week because we are separating. I''ll probably drown myself in a bottle of wine tonight and I do feel terribly sad, hurt and let down but I think part of me right now feels relieved.
Nobody has died. I have my kids, my good job, and the fact that I am a lovely person. We will be fine and maybe even we will be better.

  • maisymoos
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29 Mar 12 #320643 by maisymoos
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Sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found the site you will receive endless support and have come to the right place.

You are right, noone has died, but it can feel like it. You will be feeling a whole array of feelings and these will probably change minute by minute hour by hour. Separation and divorce result in their own grieving process that will vary from person to person.

Just deal with things hour by hour, most importantly look after yourself and the children. Concentrating and focusing can be extremely difficult in the early days ( I remember so well!!).

  • somuch2know2
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29 Mar 12 #320651 by somuch2know2
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Im sorry you are going through this but as a man who also left I can tell you that he hasnt done this without a lot of thought and and pain. As for the kids, I am sure he loves them, he just resented "home".

A few learnings I want to pass on from my own experienc so far. Please dont discuss your divorce in front of your kids. It will damage their relationship with their father, and try not to let them see you upset. A big ask, but they will pick up on the pain. Above all try not to be bitter. You will find someone who loves you completely. Someone who will walk over fire for you, and someone who will make you wonder why you wasted so many tears on your current husband.

Try and work out teh financials between you. Lawyers and court dates costs money, and in most cases are driven by bitterness.

Accpet that he will, if not already have someone else. Usually that person isnt the reason they left, but was the catalyst to something deeper.

Go through all the emotions you need to but be fair and accepting of his choice to leave. He in return will be more than fair to you. It will be his way of thanking you for accepting his decision and not making him "pay".

Things will get better. And you will find yourself again..

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29 Mar 12 #320663 by Sunshine10
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He''d still be sat here if I hadn''t packed his bag and made him go. I thought I could tell the kids whilst they were off school (I don''t know if that was a good idea or not). I don''t think he loves the kids, I don''t think he has any room for anything or anybody else in his life. I do want to hurt him but I won''t use the kids to do it. Its impossible for them not to see me upset, they are not stupid, they have known for the past month something was going on. My son is desperate for his dads attention, but he is a rubbish father (his words not mine).
In life you get out what you put in, and he didn''t put a lot of effort in with his kids. He isn''t made of stone though, they will make him feel guilty because they will tell the truth. I told him to ring the kids and that I would tell them at the weekend. Is that the best thing to do? I don''t want to see him or speak with him right now.

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29 Mar 12 #320664 by somuch2know2
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That is pretty poor that he cant be a good Dad.

Whether you packed the bags or not he is gone. And he has been gone mentally and emotionally for some time.

Dont close communication with him about the kids, but you will need to tell them so maybe its something that you should do together. I told all of mine I was leaving and it killed me. I hated the hurt I had caused but I knew I couldnt stay.

Im not sure what the best way to tell them is, but it should be known to the kids that its a "mutual choice"... even if its not.

You are going to go through so much crp over the next few months. You are going to feel lower than you ever thought possible, but you will come out on the other side. The best thing you can do is think about what you need now, what you will need in the future and what you want for yourself. You have a chance to start over too. I know its of little comfort now, but I honestly believe that staying positive delivers positive results.

  • maisymoos
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29 Mar 12 #320667 by maisymoos
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If he has gone the children obviously need to know, take time thinking about what you are going to say, you need to reassure them that this is not due to them.

I said something like "mummy and Daddy cannot live together anymore. This sometimes happens to Mummies and Daddies and then I gave a example of a couple of their school friends whose parents live separately (this I think helped them understand and not feel alone). Explain when they will see their father and that you both still love them.

I would have loved to have said your fathers had an affair with a money pinching tart...but I didn''t!!, there is no value to blame apportioning it will do the children no good.

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29 Mar 12 #320669 by somuch2know2
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Maisy- I wish you would have bestilled that advice on my ex as that is pretty much what she told my kids, who now think I chose her over them. I think i have lost my relationship with my kids for a very long time.

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