A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Worst day yet

  • samchik1
  • samchik1's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320822 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
:(Well that was just an awful day...I really didn''t think it was possible for a human to feel that.

She went to London overnight...I stayed with our son. Her going seemed to give me a taste of what''s coming.

I crumbled...all the things I didn''t want to do/think/feel came surging in and I felt searing emotional pain, an exaggerated sense of love and desire for her, and it all became too much.

(a) For the first time in my life thoughts of ending it as a way to ease this pain filtered through (I know, I have my son...but that didn''t stop these thoughts and I feel guilty for having them).

(b) I ate, slept, and functioned like crap (i.e., I didn''t eat, sleep, or function).

(c) I crumbled and sent her a text at 7 in the morning ("Sorry to text you at this time. But I feel I need to. I think about you all the time and feel like I will always love you. I can''t stop loving you right now and I need you to know that for some reason"). When she received it she called me...to see if I''m OK...said she was worried about me...and the same old stuff about "few months time" - I know it''s just what she thinks I want to hear and makes her feel less guilty.

(d) Suddenly, my mind lost all anger towards her yesterday - and she became the most desirable love object possible. Like I was idealising her to a ridiculous level and thinking about how I could have lived my life in a way that she saw me as flawless (e.g., never moaned about the stresses her uni education placed on our family, always accepted that with a smile on my face, shown my love for her MORE and not lapsed). I guess I started to blame myself for this...not her.

Mix the above up...shake well...and there''s my yesterday. This is gonna drive me to an early grave :(

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320829 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I understand your pain and I am sorry that you are going through this. 15 months ago I was in a similar state so I get it totally.

Now, I think you need to accept however hard it is that you will just need to exist for a while. Functioning equals doing well so early in separation.

So, do what you need to do. Eat sleep and cry when you need to. Just be. The pain does ease, really it does. Read my post on separation the first few weeks it''s under the name sair35 and you''ll find it under depression and stress.

Self preservation becomes the key and the relationship with the child. Sadly, wavering is common from the spouse in the early stages and it''s adds to the loss and confusion. It does not mean she cares enough to stay and work on the marriage. If she wanted to be with you, she would be and that would be it. She does not and the denial takes a while to come to work through. You will be reading all sorts into what she says and does that won''t help you come to terms with the loss. I cut contact with my Stbx for 60 days after he left. Now the advice goes that if you have kids, it should be business like contact about the kids and that''s it.

No contact helped me come to terms with the loss of my marriage and started me on the road to recovery. It''s a long road but it ges better, really it does.

She has made the decision to leave now you need to make a decision about separating from her too. That means creating disance for you to heal. Coz until you realise you deserve better from someone who cares properly, then you will torture yourself with if buts and maybes.

Coming to terms with the loss takes time. But you now need to consider what''s best for you in the context of the decision she has made for herself to leave.

Self preservation kicks in at some point because with every heart felt text etc you will not get the response you crave and get rejected again. At some point, it tends to get too much and you will decide you must for your own sanity work on moving on.

Counselling helped me hugely, this place, books etc. With time and perspective, things will start to make sense in a way that is impossible in the early stages.

She may care about you but not enough to stay and work on the marriage. Truth is she is incapable of meeting your needs as she is focussed on her own. So a question you may want to ask is how much time you want to waste hankering after someone who does not care enough about you. I constantly asked this question of myself which helped me stay focused on taking all the self preservation actions I talked about earlier.

Wavering can and does happen. My Stbx returned crying after a few months. He left and did not seem to bothered after that, apparently fine with the decision to leave. It''s easy to get swept up in it, read what you can on the concept of disengaging with someone who is causing you pain.

It accelerated my recovery no end.

Take care

Sarah

  • leftwondering
  • leftwondering's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320853 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
samchik,

The desperate thoughts you are experiencing is your thinking processes going into hyperdrive in an attempt to find ANY possible way out of the pain and the situation, like a suddenly trapped animal frantically banging around inside a cage in sheer panic.
Suicidal thoughts can occur as a possibility too. It''s only the mental panic driving your thoughts to extremes. I''ve gone through that too.

As far as guilt goes and soul searching...look samchik, we can''t be perfect people and a marriage should allow for a certain amount of flaws and imperfections in each other.
You shouldn''t have to be the model husband or wife in order to have a happy marriage.

You sound a decent guy. I think you will find that this situation was little to with you and mostly to do with her.
So there was nothing you could have changed or done to prevent this.
She would STILL have gone to London to live anyway, because SHE made that choice herself.
Why?
Because that is the sort of person she is. That''s the side of her personality you never saw, because she kept it suppressed for a long time until it eventually emerged.

Anyway, samchik...these are just my own thoughts. I know I am a decent guy and treated my wife decently.
I wasn''t perfect by any means, but who is?

I certainly didn''t deserve this.
But I got it just the same, because SHE changed her priorities herself and selfishly pursued them with no regard of the devastation, hurt and chaos she left in her trail.
Her own interest and pleasure came first.

Still doesn''t mean I''m not suffering and hurting. Only time can help with this and coming to terms with it all.

She might come back and she might not.
Just carry on as you are doing and try to understand there is NOTHING you can do to make her change her mind at this point in time.
She may eventually find that London life was not all she imagined it to be.
If she leaves it too long, then she might well find that YOU have worked through this and changed too and have moved on in your own mind and don''t want her back and then she''ll be sending YOU the 7am "I love you" texts, which will probably just annoy you.

I know this is little comfort to you at the moment. I know the immense pain and heartbreak you are feeling and it''s terrible, horrible, ghastly.
But eventually it will subside and you will be functioning much better.
Just keep going on going on for the time being.

LW

  • jjones123
  • jjones123's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320857 by jjones123
Reply from jjones123
Sam, I totally ''get'' your post. All your points, (a), (b), (c) etc... resonated totally with me. I too was sending those texts, was in a dark place thinking about there was no future than feeling guilty for thinking those things, not eating.

The weird thing is that it''s okay to feel all those things. You''re not going crazy, you''re experiencing loads of the things that so many of us have felt too. And the reason is that you''re wonderfully human - unlike so many of the other who choose to up sticks and leave since they have issues of their own to contend with.

One of the best pieces of advice that I was offered was to ''make sure that I ate well''. You''re brain is rewiring itself at a phenomenal rate to take account of the change - it needs as much energy as it can get, so make sure that you don''t eat junk, but eat good proper food. Feeding your body feeds your brain, which gives you some resources which you can use to fight through the days.

Another thing is: don''t feel afraid of drawing on support from others - friends, family, whatever. Do this, don''t be ashamed to, since this nonsense that we''re going through is the worse kind of grief there is.

In my situation, when I figured out that I was on your point (a), I went to have a chat with my GP, and was put on some anti-depressants, which helped me to function and recover - I''m not recommending that you do this, since we''ve all got to figure out own way through to the other side, but it worked for me. I stopped around seven months ago, but for a short time it was a crutch that helped me to discover resources that I never thought I had.

Shoegirl, as ever, shares with us amazing words. I''m totally with her on the view that self preservation is important, if not fundamental. Right now, be selfish - do what you have to do to get through these tough days. Focus on you (I know it''s easier said than done). Take tiny steps to do stuff, and set tiny goals (like, going to the shops, ordering a cup of tea). The days are long now, but they will soon speed up, and that a promise.

But for a while, there will be this terrible spin-wash cycle of emotions, anger, weirdness, everything... and that is totally normal.

We''re rooting for you.

Best,
JJ

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320860 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Sam.

samchik wrote:

This is gonna drive me to an early grave :(


Sorry that you are having such a tough time. Remember what you are feeling we have felt. The pain has to be felt to be beleived.

What you must do now is protect yrself. And the only way you can do that is not contact her. Contacting her will just hurt you. So what I suggest you do is this. Promise yrself not to contact her for 5 mins. When the time is up, extend another 5 and so on. Try and get to an hour. Extend another hour at the hour mark. And so on. Pretty soon you will have a day. Then 2 days, then 3 etc. If you can do this. It will help you loads.

This is gona hurt. And this is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. Yr a man. Be that man. Survive this and show her.

Sure offing yrself will end the pain. But you will leave the ones that mean a lot to you behind in bad mess. And ending it is selfish. But I know what its like to want to end it. I used to have a length of hose in the back of my car. Just in case mind. If I couldnt stand it anymore, I could just do it. I even used to drive out to the "place" at lunchtimes and see if I could. Of course I didnt. And of course I am glad I didnt. But I remember the feeling of not caring if I lived or died only to well.

I am going to give you a phone number. Its Samaritans. Dont laugh. I used to laugh about it thinking of all the saddos that would ring them up. Its 08457 909090. Dead easy to remember that one. If it gets realy bad. Ring that number and speak to Jo. They are all called Jo. No matter what its about. Any time. 24/7. I used to have them on speed dial. And I cant count how many times I rang them up. You should have seen my phone bill lol. Pages and pages of that number :)And as I said. It dont need to be about ending your life. It can be about anything. A friend of mine rang them when she thought he son was using. So ring them if you have to. There is no shame in speaking to Jo.

Lastly. I know all seems bleak right now. But trust me when I say that it wont always be like this. I am proof of that. And so is everyone else in this world that have come thru this. Be nice to yrself. Take one hour at a time and walk yr way out of this. C.

  • pixy
  • pixy's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320861 by pixy
Reply from pixy
The other posters are absolutely right. At this point it''s about self preservation - not getting drawn into their construct of the world; keeping well and trying not to torture yourself with ifs and perhaps and maybes. This is all about her and her own unhappiness, it has nothing to do with you, it''s just that she has chosen to focus the reasons for her unhappiness on you and your marriage. It really will get better but it takes a long, long time. Get whatever support you need; lean on your new wiki friends. We''ve all been there and we did get through in the end.

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
30 Mar 12 #320871 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
pixy wrote:

This is all about her and her own unhappiness, it has nothing to do with you, it''s just that she has chosen to focus the reasons for her unhappiness on you and your marriage.


This statement above is totally true. You find this in some people. They just cant be happy with anyone. And they constantly drift thru life from relationship to relationship leaving a trail of wreckage behind them in their wake. Going round in endless circles that just get smaller. They think that its down to the person they are with that is making them unhappy. But the truth is they are missing something in themselves. And they never find it. And one day they find themselves all alone in a bedsit somewhere wondering where their life has gone. Sad but true. C.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11