A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Bloody furious!!!!!!!!!

  • Lostboy67
  • Lostboy67's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
More
01 Apr 12 #321120 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi
Well, I''ve not read your previous posts but am I right in assuming that the whole divorce/seperation is her idea and not what you want? So for her in a twisted way it does represent a victory to celebrate (seen this myself). Like many things in this ''game'' all you can do is suck it up and carry on. Once she is out rather than hanging around like a bad smell you will really be able to focus on your own rebuilding. There are many many examples where a leaver has gone and then found that the greener fields that they left for are not quite so green and conciderably more muddy that they thought. As for walking around like she won the lottery in my case she just won a new house, paid for my my hard work, good job I am not bitter....

LB

  • hawaythelads
  • hawaythelads's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
02 Apr 12 #321126 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
Remembere this the next time your rose tinted love spectacles and that little voice in your head goes but she might still love me.
Remember her cartwheeling around the kitchen in delight at signing a document that gets you out of her life except for financing it of course.
All the best
Pete xx

  • freefalling
  • freefalling's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
02 Apr 12 #321127 by freefalling
Reply from freefalling
I really feel for you. They don''t understand the anguish and the hurt that we feel. You or your feelings don''t enter into the equation and it''s hard for those of us who wanted the marriage to work to understand how they could possibly see things differently or understand their insensitivity and selfishness. Stay strong, focus on your emotional wellbeing and continue being a great dad.

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
02 Apr 12 #321132 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
This behaviour is very common in the departing spouse.

At the start of the separation process, I reeled in Absolute shock and horror of the appalling conduct of my Stbx. Like yours he was almost strutting around the house, he seemed almost proud of himself, full of joy. It was and is a truly horrific experience for the one being left and I know from experience that dealing with the hurt of them leaving PLUS their apparent self congratulation about their impending departure is truly something that took me months to work through.

My marriage at the end turned into a sketch from black adder goes forth where my stbx could have been Edmund. It goes like this:

Mary: tell me Edmund: do you have someone special in your life?
Edmund: well, yes, as a matter of fact I do
Mary: who?
Edmund: me
Mary: no I mean someone you love, cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and hurt.
Edmund: Erm..... Still me really

It was just like that. Except my marriage was not a comedy sketch, it was my life and it hurt like nothing I have ever known.

With time and hindsight, I can see what was going on with my Stbx at the time we separated. He was feeling unhappy and chose to project all the unhappiness he felt on to me and the marriage. He was thinking of leaving some 6 months before he told me. So, upon telling me he felt a surge of relief (possibly thinking phew aren''t I clever for not having to keep that secret anymore) and in his distorted thought process, he thought his new life with ow (in your case the university education/lifestyle) would lead to the promised land. Hence the happiness. They see the act of binning off the spouse as the thing that will lead to all the things they want and they also feel a bit pleased with themselves for getting it off their chest.

As for the lack of empathy, well, that is hard to cope with. But it is like the black adder sketch but not funny. My Stbx was not thinking of me, was emotionally unavailable. Telling me the marriage was over seemed to mean for him that he had discharged all responsibilities towards me entirely as his wife and even as a fellow human being, immediately and without notice. He was incapable of empathy, he was just thinking about the promised land. And those thoughts made him very happy indeed.

The only way I got through it was to stop expecting the empathy, reasonableness, humanity or anything from him. He was no longer capable of thinking about me in any way shape or form. So, by not engaging with him, it helped me to move on. The moving on but happens slowly over time, don''t expect too much of yourself in this healing process.

As for the promised land, the greener grass with my Stbx. Well, it all went pear shaped. By the time he came back crying, I had moved on realising that if I were to be in a relationship in the future it would be with someone who was emotionally available. So, know it rarely works out for them but then usually by the time it does not, the spouse who was left is beyond caring.

Focus on you and your child. Take it one day at a time and please see this for what it is. Her reaction is to do with her own failings not you. Detach as much as you can and stop expecting any support or empathy from her. Any sign of emotion now will be self serving in her interest. She is beyond caring about you.

Sorry it''s tough I know. But most of us here have been through this and survived. I have come out the other side a better person in so many ways. But my journey started one day at a time, learning how to take care of myself through the horror that is separation and divorce.

Don''t show her any emotion btw. It will make her behaviour worse and sadly make her even happier about leaving you.

Mine tried to leave our marriage to escape his own unhappiness. That''s the thing about trying to run away from yourself. It does not work and is a very poor problem solving strategy. But that''s for him these days.

  • lovestinks
  • lovestinks's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
02 Apr 12 #321137 by lovestinks
Reply from lovestinks
Samchick,

I totally empathise. I''m a bit further down the road, we''ve separated and are now entering the divorce process. Mine is just so pleased. Damned unflattering, I say. In this instance I like to take Haway''s advice. Mine''s nice to me just because he''s so happy to be divorcing me. It''s nothing to do with the fact he likes me or feels anything about me. A bitter pill to swallow, I grant you. Really difficult. And emotionally cataclysmic for the abandoned party.

So this is all to say, I empathise, I really do. It''s horrible. And I for one look forward to the day when what he thinks or feels means absolutely nothing to me. I feel it approaching fast! But, as Shoegirl says, it takes time. But you''ll get there, like I am. I mean, how much emotion can one sustain in the face of such brutality anyway?

Hang in there, I''m bloody furious too !!!! LS x

  • sun flower
  • sun flower's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
02 Apr 12 #321138 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
Samchick

I feel for you so much. Just when you think there can be no more pain, that the knife can be twisted no further in the wound - they mange.

I appreciated Shoegirl;s Black Adder scetch very much and I am finally beginning to see what she says is true (I hope). That they were unhappy and wanted to discharge that by blaming it on someone else rather than dealing with their own issues.

But this may help in the long run, but right now - yes hold on to your dignity, self respect and son. Take tiny steps. The fog that is hanging over your life making you unable to see a positive future will one day begin to lift.

In the mean time, just go slow and steady.

You are of enormous value - believe in that yourself and one day those around you will believe in it too.

I know none of this takes away your pain, but maybe it is a distraction for a few minutes. The pain will lift when it is ready

Take care

  • Mitchum
  • Mitchum's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
More
02 Apr 12 #321146 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
I endorse all of the above! Couldn''t have said it any better.

You know you asked in another post about when they leave the door slightly ajar? With hindsight I can tell you that you will eventually close it hehind her and get on with building a life with new memories. You can either slam it loudly behind her as she swans off or close it gently and slide the bolt leaving you safe inside.

It''s easy for me to speak with hindsight as I''ve been through many of the phases of letting go. You''re at the beginning and it''s hard I know. When I was where you are now, I couldn''t imagine a life without him. I was every bit as distraught as you are. Although there are no timelines for recovery and healing, be reassured that you will get through this and you will recover but at your own pace.

You have your darling son and now you are the provider for him and yourself. He asked for none of this and you will never let him down because you''re a great Daddy.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11