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Did I do enough...

  • samchik1
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02 Apr 12 #321254 by samchik1
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I know I''m abusing this forum...just have so much to process I feel I''ll shortly implode if I don''t get some of this out. One of her main sources of ammunition has been that I was not supportive enough of her quest for independence. Most of this is based on how I''ve been more and more outspoken (especially this last few months) about the strain her university puts on our family. A couple of times I refused to pick her up from the station at 9.30 (we only live a 15 minute walk away) because (a) I said it was long day (12 hours) for me and my son and I wanted him to go yo bed and me to get a bit of me time in the evenings, and (b) I wanted to feel like she COULD recognise that and give a little back. Such things deeply wounded her (said I should be treating my wife like a princess and this showed I didn''t) and she said I was deeply critical of her university aims. All I wanted was fir her to show me she still saw herself as a mum and wife during that time too...just a bit. I became resentful, angry, felt she wasn''t hearing me and was punishing me for feeling this way. In the last six years we gave moved from Plymouth to bath (she wasn''t happy in plymouth so I got the job in bath), from inner bath to a bigger village house (she wanted a bigger and more spacious home), back to inner bath (she felt isolated being out of the city), and now she was itching to go to London and said she hated our flat here (again). Each time I felt troubled, that she never seemed to be happy just being with her family...it never seemed enough. When we''d gad our son, she said she never wanted any more kids...ever. That it was too much like hard work...she said she was too selfish. Deep down I did want more kids....a family....I told her so, but respected her wishes. I knew she wanted that career badly. I''m looking at all this on paper and thinking that actually I feel I was highly accommodating of her needs. I can''t see how she doesn''t get that...it''s a slap in the face. I agree, I certainly didn''t do all if this in the mould if an angel, or as hawaythelads put it "like a performing monkey", but she keeps saying actions speak louder than words...the fact I did all this has to count for something. I''m beating myself up that I should have done this like that monkey...

  • somuch2know2
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02 Apr 12 #321259 by somuch2know2
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I am emploding right there with you.
No matter what I do or try its not good enough and she is on a mission to destroy me.

From the sounds of it NOTHING you were going to do was going to be good enough. Maybe she thought Bath would fix whatever HER issues were, or maybe it was going to be the bigger house or the degree. Point? She is searching for something and a life that doesnt include you...

Stop being her monkey. Stop analysing her, as from the sounds of it she hasnt been successful herself. Move forward, and try to get resolve without too much bitterness.

In the meantime, go for a run, enjoy time with your son and think about what the best possible outcome could be- and work towards it... and secretly make your voodoo doll:)

  • Shoegirl
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02 Apr 12 #321260 by Shoegirl
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Whatever you do is never enough. Very familiar to me that pattern of behaviour.

Read up on emotional unavailability. I think you might be surprised when you find you re far from alone.

Someone wanting to be treated like a princess is a very powerful demonstration of something very fundamental. Someone wanting this does not want a partnership of equals. You are her husband not her Dad.

There is a book on amazon about emotional unavailability by collins. Read the reviews and see what you think. Thing is in these relationships the goalposts move and you will never succeed to make someone else happy. Their restlessness lies in their own deficiencies.

It''s like trying to fill a bottomless pit of needs and losing yourself in the process.

I find it incredible that any expression of your own needs in the marriage was greeted by accusation that you were not supporting her. You do need to hear what she is telling you explicitly. She''s selfish.....

So let me answer your question. Did you do enough? No, because in her self centred world nothing you did would ever be enough. I''m not just being awful, read up on emotional unavailability and you might see what I''m getting at. She''s holding you to account for her own happiness and no one should bear the weight of responsibility for everything in another persons world

Please think about counselling if you are not going already. I think you would find it useful as I did.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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02 Apr 12 #321266 by MrsMathsisfun
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I agree with shoegirl, nothing you do will be enough for her as she isnt content within herself.

Let her go and live the best life you can with your son.

  • Mitchum
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02 Apr 12 #321277 by Mitchum
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She''s living out a fairytale in her head but real life isn''t like that. What nonsense is she spinning in her fairytale castle with turrets? Oh dear me is she really so immature or is she simply conniving?

So did you get an answer? Does she see herself as a Mum or are her sights set on an academic career? If she can''t see that it''s possible to have both, I think it''s more a case of she wants to live the life of a student without responsibility for a child, husband and home.

Hard as it is, let her go and fend for herself and close the door firmly behind her. It''s what she wants. She''s pretty determined and focused, so you have to be equally determined to get what you need. Time to get selfish.

Take care of yourself.

  • leftwondering
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02 Apr 12 #321283 by leftwondering
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Hi samchik,

Plenty of people do Open University courses spread over time while coping with working and family life.
But this idea of wanting to be an "independent" mature full-time student with her own flat and extra funding from your salary, is frankly, absurd and ridiculous.
She has completely lost the plot (or maybe hadn''t realized) of what having a husband and young child is all about.

LW

  • Lostboy67
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02 Apr 12 #321287 by Lostboy67
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Hi Samchik,
To answer you question, no you didn''t do enough, could you have ever done enough....no.

I am guessing that you have been asking for reasons why...do yourself a favour and don''t do it anymore. You are not going to get the truth just more lies.

LB

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