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Dating - is it me?! Others experiences?

  • sohurt
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04 Apr 12 #321709 by sohurt
Topic started by sohurt
Hello all, not been on for a few months, STBX left last September. Mid divorce now,got Nisi, awaiting FDR in May. Got fed up of being alone in February and began internet dating (this is after 18 years ''off the self!'', so v.v.rusty :laugh:!). Have dated 3 men in the 2 months, the first for a couple of weeks, was exciting and felt so nice to feel someone interested in me again, noticing my clothes, wanting to hold hands, cuddle and kiss, not bad looking either (!) but as it progressed, he backed away, eventually saying he wanted kids (I already have x2)- not sure that was the real reason tho. Second one, we talked a long time, had messy divorce in common, but after x1 date (admittedly involving more alcohol than was sensible :lol:) he backed out saying I was still too hurt to go into another relationship, and that he''d moved past that point. Third one, kind of still around, not local to me, has kids and a busy life leaving little time actually for dating :huh:, leaves me feeling very frustrated !! What I''m wondering is am I currently undatable because of my emotional state, thus dooming all relationships to failure? Men want to meet me, seem to find me attractive enough to date a second time but it just doesnt stick. Is it me, or is it just that when you are both around 40, there is a very slim likelihood you will find someone you fit with? What has others experience of internet dating been like soon(ish)after seperation? I really dont want to be told again ''you need to be on your own for a while'' I''ve felt on my own soooooooooooo long because of a crappy marriage, and it is now over 7 months since STBX left, that I want to be with someone + not alone anymore! I do realise I''m being a bit impatient, and realise I''m not going to find a soulmate or fall in love in 5 minutes, just fed up. Anyone able to relate? :unsure:

  • mike62
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05 Apr 12 #321718 by mike62
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Hi sohurt,

I really don''t think it is you. When you have been in a long term relationship, you do change. Much as you hate to hear it, it does take some time to re-adjust to being ''single'' again. Look at your screen name... It says a lot.

In my own circumstances, it was 5 years ago that the former Mrs Mike62 dropped the bombshell. For the next year or two, I had no interest in getting back into a relationship, and I was very surprised to find myself making the transition from having a very good friend that I met here on Wikivorce to having a new partner. It wasn''t a plan, it just happened.

The other thing to bear in mind is that many people of your age group have probably also been in long term relationships and are also not quite adjusted to being single again.

I would say by all means look for dates, but do not put high expectations on them for the time being. The old expression about kissing lots of frogs springs to mind.

I can understand your frustration, but it has taken 18 years to get to where you are. 7 months isn''t a long time to come to terms with such a lot of change in your life.

I look back to where I was 3 or 4 years ago and I can see a very different person now to the sorry one that existed then. Maybe I had more emotional baggage than you do, and maybe it took me longer to shed it (not got rid of it all yet mind you!) but I do see a vast difference to me then and me now.

Know its not what you wanted to hear, but that''s my experience.


  • epitome title
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05 Apr 12 #321719 by epitome title
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Hi Sohurt

I think that how you feel shows you are ready to move on from your ex, however be sure that you are not trying to replace him.

There is nothing wrong with being single and as Mike62 said it allows you to put everything in boxes, some you will be sorting out, some the contents of which may be too painful to even look at right now let alone clear out. You do need to take time to just be you for a while.

I am just over a year single but could not contemplate starting another relationship yet, but that is me and everyone has their own timescales. I can be lonely but only every so often, but I would rather that than having to take someone else''s baggage into consideration when I am trying to deal with my own. Am i being selfish, inward looking? Maybe, but I believe when the times comes and a new relationship happens, I will be a better person for taking that time.

As I said, we all have our timescales and I am certainly not knocking you for wanting to be part of a new relationship but sometimes they come along when you are not looking.

Every good wish to you :)

  • Marshy_
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05 Apr 12 #321725 by Marshy_
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Hi Sohurt. I dont want you to take this personal. This is not a slight on you at all but yr status. U are married still and that will put a lot of men off. They may date you to see how far on you are. And what looks like to have happened is that they think that yr still hurt from yr split.

Single people are very wary of married people. There is no getting away from that. And being married is a bit of a curse on the dating scene. Also, people that are going thru a divorce are very tied up in that situation and you are bound to come across as divorcing. Its a bit like a badge. Here I am, I am divorcing and this is all I have to talk about.

None of this of course is yr fault. Its yr status. What I suggest is that you wait until yr divorce is over with then you can say that you are **SINGLE**. Being single counts for a lot in dating circles. It means that the ties are broken. Of course it doesnt mean that you are over it. But what I suggest is do what I do. I say "look, I am only going to tell you the one time. Then its done. I wont mention it again". Then I tell them the story of my split. I can do that in about 5 mins now. And I tend to leave out all the stuff that is just stuff. I say the important bits. Thats all. And I dont keep on about it. Any relationship I have is about us. Not the past. And thats my angle. And on the same subject, I tend to stay away from women that are too far away. Long distance relationships dont work. As you cant commit to them due to the distance.

A lot of men (me included) dont want to be a lifeboat for someone. There is nothing worse than hearing the same old story that frankly you have heard a thousand times. Ok, it is important. But it should be over. Not part of now. And I like to know what the person is like now. I need to know that they are looking to the future. Not stuck in the past if that makes sense.

So I would wait a bit. Until you are proper single. Not just separated. It wont take that long to get divorced and you will still be attractive and you will still appeal to men and you will be much more successful and you may be the one that has to back out cos they aint right. C.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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05 Apr 12 #321796 by MrsMathsisfun
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I agree with Marshy. You are probably coming across as too ''needy''. Although you think your ready its probably too soon.

I now realise that was what was happening with me, I was meeting nice guys who seemed keen then would back off.

It took me a long time and a lot more heartache before I realised my fear of being alone which was causing then to back off. I was going from 0 to 80 in 2 secs and wondering why they were running a mile!!

I stepped back learnt that being lonely was nothing to do with being single. I was lonely in marriage. I learnt to deal with my loneliness and have now met the right man for me.

  • maisymoos
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05 Apr 12 #321801 by maisymoos
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Hi Sohurt

I have had a successful experience of internet dating but didn''t expect too much, I made it clear on my profile that I was looking for friendship only as doubted my readiness. If that put some off all well and good.

Met about 5 men in total, all ok experiences. Number 5 wasn''t love at first sight, but overtime I continued to see him and feelings changed. Been together 8 months now and very happy.

Don''t analyse to much why some dates don''t work, there will be 100''s of possible reasons. Look on the date as an evening out, if more develops afterwards then go with the flow if you feel its right too. If you don''t have high expectations you cannot feel let down.

Good Luck

  • Bobbinalong
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05 Apr 12 #321878 by Bobbinalong
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I now have life experience of this.
When I met my gf, I announced it on here, I was pleased, one or two said beware etc, you dont listen to that, your just happy.
However, after 2 years or so, it didnt work, why?

Firstly at the time we happened to ''need'' each other, sometimes things are said which ring a little alarm bell, you just dont realise its an alarm bell, ie, ''I wonder what we will talk about when all this is over?''

She had recently lost her partner and was getting over her grief, I was still going through a difficult divorce and then applying for a contact order, so busy times.
When it was all over it did become apparent we were not meant to be together. She had not had kids and its a rare person who hasnt that can take on anothers.

I have since met another woman, this time my eyes are open and I was truly single, so is she, we are both divorced and both have kids similar ages, both have our own houses, perfect, is it? we will see in time, right now it is and I am with a woman for the first time I actually feel I can be me with.
This is because I have learnt , slowly, what it is I think I actually want out of life.

Internet dating? yeah its ok, But you have to be OPEN MINDED, there are a lot of people who some would term weirdo''s, my take is that it takes all sorts and some are a little more extreme than most and are searching for similar, you have to just pass those by if they are not for you, and findf the next one.

I come across some people who might have had a couple of bad dates and are then put off and say, ''not doing that again''.
Its like driving, some days you go out and could have been killed by some idiot, does it stop you driving? no you go again, you need to.
I could say if your serious about dating you have to go and do it again, you will find someone. If you are confident enough to say, not doing that again, well you must have another method of meeting someone.

Not easy over 25, I used to say, when I was 25.... !!

There is a kind of unspoken language with daters, they decide if they are going to see you again within about 5 minutes, so keep your first date short.

But, as everyone has said, you might think your ready for dating, but the messages you might give when you do date, might scare some off just now, give it a bit of time, have fun, your not lonely, try dating just to go out, you never know, less pressure and all that.....

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