Walk away wives

So. I read a lot about these creatures, waws. Most of what I read is the same basic message; these women have ultimately died a "death of a thousand tiny cuts." In other words, for years or months the woman has slowly felt her needs have been thwarted, like he doesn''t care, like he''s not listening. And she''s right, he hasn''t truly heard her. She shuts down, checks out, and then drops the bombshell. Now he hears her...but it''s too late - she checked out some time ago.

Most of what I read on this subject has a "tone" to it. The tone seems to be that the husband was a lazy, complacent, emotionally cold individual, inflicter of the 1000 cuts...slowly killing her, poor thing, until she dies and leaves. I''m sorry but that''s BS. The point here is that he DIDN''T HEAR HER. How can you be responsible for something you truly aren''t properly aware of? When he is TRULY aware he usually acts and of course by then he us too late to show her he cares enough for change. She is almost pleased to see him suffer, poor creature, like she had to do all those years. However, there is a difference. The difference is in the awareness of what''s happening. Hers is a cold and calculated shut down and exit. She''s planned his pain. She''s shut down and resented him for years. She''s stopped trying to communicate with him about this long ago.

Him? He''s like an annoying animal that''s turned up on your vegetable patch. You try to shoo him off but he doesn''t really get it, he''s just doing what he always does, living, surviving. So, once you''ve decided he ain''t got the picture you plan his death, go get the gun, line up the sight, and BAM..., you''re rid if him, annoying *****, and all of his annoying habits. Problem is, he''s sort of innocent. Yes, he wronged you. But he wronged you without full awareness he was doing so...had he known the true scale of the situation he may have chosen differently.

And this is my point. Had we husbands KNOWN how unhappy our wives were, we might have had the CHANCE. Our ignorance and apparent obliviousness to her suffering is possibly a crime in itself. But if we truly weren''t aware of this then it''s an issue of communication. Why did she not communicate this in another way? Why did she not give us that chance? If we truly haven''t heard then we truly cannot act. And the responsibility for getting the message across does not lay solely at our door. Maybe we should be looking for the message she''s sending, hunting it out?

But her? It seems a far less innocent type of cruelty to shout someone a message that they don''t ultimately hear (and one that if they truly heard they would move heaven and earth to act upon), resent them for not hearing it, and ultimately plan and execute their destruction because of this, smiling politely and pretending you love them all the while. I''m sorry, but waws SHOULD NOT under any circumstances be labeled or portrayed in a positive light (only in very rare circumstances such as
intentional abuse). They should be held accountable for the suffering they cause and I do not believe they are. Often they are championed as brave and long suffering individuals. In my opinion, those who should be championed are the millions of wives in the same boat who refuse to give up when their husband does not hear, who love him so much that they find a way to get through to him, or who recognize that once he truly hears he might truly act.

My wife destroyed my life, our family, and our son''s parental unit without giving me a sniff of a chance to work on saving those things. Rant over.

Sam.

Really think what you have written applies to both genders and is an description of the end of a relationship.

Sadly there is often one party who is completely unaware of the unhappiness of the other party. They are shocked to discover their other half is having an affair/wants a divorce.

"Why didnt they tell say they were unhappy before they did x y and z"

In their heads they probably think they did. In their minds they genuinely believe they ''''told'''' their partner how unhappy they were and the other party didnt listen.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday who split up with her husband just over a year ago, she had been happy in her relationship and was shocked when he left. She said looking back she can now see the cracks and signs that he was unhappy. Her comment was "I realise he tried to tell me what was happening. I just didnt listen."

ps. Your stbx hasnt destroyed your life only you have the power to do that. Yes she has hurt you. Yes your son isnt going to have a parental unit that live in the same house, but you can be a unit even at a distance.

I don''t think this is a gender thing. I''m specifically talking about the lack of communication in a relationship. I think there are a number of reasons why some spouses have trouble with communication, all which by the way, aren''t good enough reasons. They are:

1. They have difficulty expressing themselves - poor babies
2. Have a huge ego and feel that the person they''re married to should instinctively know how they''re feeling at all times and it''s insulting to think otherwise.
3. Don''t care enough about the relationship to talk about or fix things.
4a. Prefer to avoid issues because that''s how they''ve resolved things in the past.
4b. Escapism- find something/someone else that excites them in order to avoid unresolved issues and the need for further communication about relationship.

I think back to my relationship with stbx. Stereotypically, when men ask women "what''s wrong?" The stereotypical answer would be "Nothing, I''m fine". In this scenario, the man would then have to play 20 questions if he even got that far. Or he was given the silent treatment or the cold shoulder for the next week. In my case, there was none of that. I was quite specific with what was wrong and what I needed from him. It wasn''t one way either. I would ask him what he wanted me to do to make him feel more loved but stbx''s responses were any or all of the above. So knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling. On the other hand, like you, I had no clue.

I feel your pain and anger but you have to realise that ultimately they didn''t care enough. It''s a simplistic view but that''s what it ultimately boils down to.

Don''t ever worry about ranting, rant away whenever you feel like it.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care

sam,
it''s early days....go easy on yourself.

I came to the conclusion a while ago that I could indeed have been a better wife but that no matter how much ''better'' I might have been, it wouldn''t necessarily have followed that my ex would have been a ''better'' husband and the problems, such as they were, wouldn''t have been automatically fixed as a result of my being that ''better wife''. At best, my ''being a better wife'' would have done nothing more than prolong the inevitable - sooner or later he''d have found himself unhappy with his lot and there''s excuse enough to do what he wants.

It''s not your fault. Sure, you had a part in it somewhere along the line. You could have heard her and worked harder at things. So could she. Accept it for what it is. Work on understanding your part in it and then work hard at ''moving on''. What you don''t need to do is accept 100% responsibility and beat yourself up about it. It''s happened so make the best of it.

I too don''t think its a gender thing.

You don''t hold hands anymore, compliment each other, show any affection, intimacy has gone, each of you have digs at the other, you don''t spend any quality time together, have no patience with each other, take each other for granted, don''t help each other out, become thoughtless or selfish.

Each of these things can rear its head time to time in most relationships, but can be short lived.

You''re right its down to communication, communication is 2 people understanding each other, an exchange of information, thoughts and views.

A question I would ask is that if she was so unhappy and you didn''t ''hear'' her - were you happy with the relationship?

Hi Samchick

samchik wrote:

My wife destroyed my life, our family, and our son''s parental unit without giving me a sniff of a chance to work on saving those things. Rant over.

Nice post. Well crafted and a good read. But yr wrong on the point above. Yr wife has not destroyed you. And yr family is still there. Just she is not part of it. Thats all.

When this is over, you will rise again. Like the phoenix from the ashes. This I promise you. And I wish I had a pound for every time I have said that. I wouldn''t need to sweat over a hot workstation. I could bask on some nice beach sipping a pina colada watching the world slink by...

There is a backdrop to what you are saying. And that is humans. We are all faulty in some way. None of us are perfect. We have feet of clay and iron. Not good. And we make mistakes. Lots and lots of them. And we generaly all make the same mistakes. We are cra* at learning from each other.

Comms is always an issue between people. Even couples that are committed to each other. No one communicates effectively. We are not designed to communicate and we are not (largely) taught to communicate. We can say words. But often, we cant find the words to describe what we feel. And if we are dealing with someone that doesnt understand what we are saying or that doesnt want to hear, we are wasting our words.

Take my manager (please?), he asks me to do things that he has decided on the spur of the moment. No forethought on the ramifications of what he is asking me todo. Is that my fault that I have interpreted it wrong? Or his fault for not considering what he has asked me todo? Ok I am not married to him. And thankfully I dont have to live with him. But its a case in point. And the only way I can work with this is put in writing to him what he has asked me todo on the fly. And when it all goes Pete Tong (which it usually does), I have the proof that this is what he asked me todo. Just following orders guv and backside in APM.

Listening is an art. We think we just open our ears and the words register. But like communication, we are not taught to listen. And the words may confuse us as they are not being said right or they simply do not register. Some of what we are told could be important. Most not. But its like searching for a needle in a haystack and trying to sift out the important message from all the other words is hard.

So against all this, I am surprised that the divorce rate is not higher than 60%. Why not 80 or 90%? It should be.

Lastly. Life is a lesson. Divorce is a lesson. And we should learn these lessons. As its an expensive class to attend. But the good news is that divorce gives us another shot at life. A chance to change. A chance to communicate more effectively and listen. We all need to learn to listen and not just hear the words but work out there meaning.

V lastly. I have met women and men that their marriages have died the death of a thousand cuts. But what did they do? They went and stabbed there other halves in the back. And this act totally invalidates their claim that the marriage was killed by these 1000''s of cuts. My Marshy message to the world. If you dont like it, get out. No affairs or any of that nonsense. C.

samchik,

Your wife resents you for not being a good and supportive husband by not being 100% behind her in her reasonable demands that her studies and personal development have priority over everything.

She resents you for complaining that her prorities were starting to have an impact on your married life.

She resents you not understanding that going to a fun park with your little boy was boring and stupid and that she had better things to spend her time on.

She could tell from the little things (1000 cuts) that you were generally being unsupportive by stopping picking her up at the train station at 9:30pm (even though it was just a 15 min walk away)
The fact that you had had a long working day, collected your son from nursery, made his tea, played with him and and put him to bed...and could use some time off for yourself only showed how little you cared for her and her personal ambition for self improvement.

Finally, the fact that you were unwilling to support her to live an independent life away from the family just proves to her that you are a rotten husband.

She was trying to communicate that, but you either didn''t listen or understand.

My wife resented the fact that I objected to her being on internet dating sites then meeting men "for coffee".
They were just "friends" after all.
"So I''m not allowed friends?"

Shouted at me for discovering "sexting" on her computer and mobile phone.
"How dare you invade my privacy..you have NO RIGHT TO DO THAT!"

(Up until then, I had never noticed any unhappiness in her. We were still laughing together and intimate. So why didn''t she mention she was having a problem with the marriage?)

All these things make sense in the mind of these spouses and convince them that they are being subjected to unreasonable behavior and are justified in walking out on the marriage.

LW