A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

Reconciliation, but showing no remorse

  • donkler
  • donkler's Avatar Posted by
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
05 Apr 12 #321933 by donkler
Topic started by donkler

Firstly an apology. I feel a bit of a sham coming back on here after being off for well over 6 months, I will continue my blog over the coming weekend and conclude my nightmare 12 months.

I have been trying (or so I thought) reconciliation with my STBX wife since December, I have read on other forums but not on here that its not uncommon for them to come crawling back, full of words, but show no remorse whatsoever.

My wife refused to put her wedding rings back on, initially refused to sleep in the same bed, would not approach me for any affection, have nights away! - the list goes on really.

Anyway I grew a pair last week and having started divorce proceedings last year, I am finishing them this month.

Has anyone else experienced this, I dont think its uncommon.

I was her safety net, she knew I would do anything for her, and knows I pay all the bills, she gets a roof over her head for free.

Again, apologies, but I will be around to finish my blog, and help others in this nightmare we all face.

Any comments, apart from me being a mug :(

  • Action
  • Action's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
05 Apr 12 #321955 by Action
Reply from Action
You''re not a mug. You just wanted to try your best which is what you have done. Good for you for giving it a go and I am sorry that it hasn''t worked out. It''s probably made the process even more painful for you, thinking there was a chance.

Now you need to concentrate on number 1 (you) for a while and make plans for your own future.

Take care and good luck.

  • donkler
  • donkler's Avatar Posted by
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
06 Apr 12 #322061 by donkler
Reply from donkler

I am, well a slight mug as I let it drag on for at least 2 months too many. After her affair I felt I had to give reconciliation a go (her suggestion) to be clear in my mind it will/wont work otherwise I would be wondering for maybe years to come.

Its not more painful, I was frustrated, could not trust her on her nights away, and the wedding ring situation should have been resolved the minute she walked through the door. All this ate away at me for 4/5 months until I snapped and told her im signing the Absolute (nisi granted last November)

Anyone reading this, no matter what mess they are in - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Trust your gut, read their actions and you will not go far wrong.

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
06 Apr 12 #322067 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
All of this stuff takes time. I have been very slow in all this and that was on purpose. Read my blog if you want all the sordid details on my situation but yes she had an affair and yes she came back (sort of) and no I don''t want her. So, similar to you, I have to get off my @ss and actually file for divorce. I will.

  • Phoenix2yk9
  • Phoenix2yk9's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
07 Apr 12 #322135 by Phoenix2yk9
Reply from Phoenix2yk9

You are not a mug, think the ones that were left behind in a state of shock and disbelief would try and patch things up. I am sorry things didnt workout, but you know, life will get better, the cloud of uncertainty disappear and the sunshine of a new dawn is going to begin

  • maisymoos
  • maisymoos's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
07 Apr 12 #322139 by maisymoos
Reply from maisymoos
A one sided reconcilation will never work, my stbx did the same, 3 months of relate appointments was a complete farce. I knew he was still having an affair although he denied it. I spent those 3 months feeling desperate, wanting to save a marriage but at the same time knowing life was a lie and I could not do it alone. Eventually I had all the proof I needed and caught him at it hook line and sinker. Why did he do this? he wanted to look the good guy and show his family that he was making efforts... totally selfish self preservation, with no regard to the further damage he was doing to me.

Once a lier and a cheat always will be. A coward beyond words. I can look back now and realise he did me a favour :)

  • soulruler
  • soulruler's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
07 Apr 12 #322141 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
I agree. The other day I was on the train and sat next to a man who after a while stated that I appeared to have alot on my mind (I was chewing gum furiously).

I briefly told him I had had a terrible divorce and he started telling me about a friend who was besotted with his wife and that she just up and left to have a relationship with other man. They divorced and he did it amicably as he still truly loved his wife.

The friend circle saw the other man for what he was very agressive and a gold digger. After 6 months of the divorce the relationship failed and now the original husband has taken his old wife back.

Boy oh boy - in my circumstance my ex would never want to come back BUT even if he did - once bitten twice shy as he would only be coming back to me for a meal ticket and as he had nowhere else to stay.

Love is a funny thing and makes people do some really irrational things to people who really do not love you let alone themselves.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11