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Any ideas for keeping distance

  • Sunshine10
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05 Apr 12 #321960 by Sunshine10
Topic started by Sunshine10
Honestly I am trying. Don''t pick up the calls the last few day, Written two letters (not sure he understood the first one) to say I don''t want to see or talk to him.
But tonight he has to come pick up his car...its the long weekend and he needs it....barely said a word which should be ok right? but why then did I feel crushed when he was gone? I''m annoyed with myself because I was going to lock the door but leave the sodding carkey in an envelope outside (not trying to be clever, just trying to avoid me feeling bad). But he was here earlier than I thought, plus I''ll have to explain to the oldest why he didn''t see dad and the little one (who was still awake) did.

Cross, angy with everything, just need to forget him and remember what a fun attractive person I am :)and what a sad loser he is :blink:

I cried when he left but I''ve stopped now. How did you all maintain that arms length thing in the early days, its so hard and counter-intuiative....?

  • Shoegirl
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05 Apr 12 #321966 by Shoegirl
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Google the no contact rule.

I did 60 days no contact, no facebook, no emails, no calls or texts, no letters nothing. People with kids just communicate essential information nothing else.

I know it sounds juvenile to talk about a set of rules but this set of principles saved me. Basically, you start out on the 60 day journey getting through the days wondering on earth how you are going to get through it. By the end, I had no desire to talk to him, I had broken the habit of interacting with him and had established a new pattern. The time away helped me gain a totally different perspective and much needed emotional distance.

Ticking off each day on the calendar too as a little record. See my posts for my description of what it did for me in my journey.

It worked for me. Totally recommend it.

  • tigger64
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06 Apr 12 #322025 by tigger64
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I''m still trying after 2 and a half years! Can''t seem to manage it, I try to have essential calls only arranging contact with our daughter, it never stays like that he wants to know how I am, what I have been doing, how''s work, do you need help with the dustbins the list is long, I decided a few months ago I couldn''t live like this anymore and asked him to stay away, no more calling for Sunday lunch or coffee, he agreed and now only drives the Police van up the street when he is on nights! Everyone is different there is no book or set of rules, if contact suits you and you can handle it then go ahed, I have known many couples who have separated and who have remained very good friends, I on the other hand have tried but it doesnt work for me, I want him back!!
If you want to keep your distance then make sure you are not around when he has to call, in the early days I would make sure when he picked up our daughter I was there and always cooking or making something, now I am learning to live without him and I dissapear out of sight when he calls, it takes time and you will find your own way - I still want him here and because of his job I can''t seem to go a week without seeing him.
You will do it - I''ve decided to put distance between us and move away, far away, hopefully that will work for me!

  • Marshy_
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06 Apr 12 #322055 by Marshy_
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U have to be brutal with the no contact rule. If you know he is coming round, try and be somewhere else leaving a neighbour or family member there to do what is needed. Dont accept calls from him. Only txt messages or emails. Anything that is not about the kids delete or dont reply. Its all about isolation. Imagine he is toxic (which he is to you) and you have no immunity to his toxicity (which you dont). So that means that you have to do anything not to meet him face to face. That includes not going to places that you are likely to see him. Or speak to him. Or even hear him. This will be tough. But if you can last 60 days like Shoegirl did then he wont be toxic to you. And then you can just treat him with contempt. Which is cool.

In a way I was lucky. When I moved out, I never saw my ex for a very long time. When I was in court, she was there but I didnt look at her and when she stood up, I looked away or at the ground. So I never actually saw her. And since then, I have moved again and dont see her anymore. Which is cool as far as I am concerned. But if I did ever see her, its been so long now, that I would look right thru her. C.

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