60% about sex??????

Well this one is eating away at me. Something she said a couple of weeks ago that has sort of lodged itself in my mind. But I need to provide context first.

When we met she had been in a bad relationship fir a while and had recently walked out of it. For the first year of our relationship I found her sexually cold. She never initiated making love and did not really seem to want to engage in it. We made love much less frequently than I had been used to and it seemed that she preferred it that way. I tried to talk about it but she didn''t really want to and I eventually assumed that was just her. But I did feel a little upset that this great area if intimacy was closed off. She recently tells me this is because her previous relationship made her feel closed emotionally.

So time goes by. We make love. But it''s not earth shattering for either of us. She had this weird thing that we both HAD to shower before getting down to it, considered it dirty to do anything else. I often feel that completely killed the mood for me.

Two months ago. Things are not great in the relationship. Strained and drifting apart. She becomes a sex maniac overnight. I didn''t get it. I wasn''t feelin it. It was like she suddenly changed overnight? I couldn''t oblige. Felt disconnected and didn''t get this odd behavior.

So then she drops the bombshell. And all this stuff comes pouring out. She''s never enjoyed our sex life. She has hidden herself from me sexually and satisfied herself through porn for a while without me even knowing. I''m surprised. But not put off. I''m pleased she''s finally opened up about this and suggest now she has we can maybe move forward in this area. Because I finally feel like she''s expressing some of her needs and wishes in this area, something I had longed for her to do. But she seems angry. It has always been the wrong positions, wrong way, wrong this, wrong that, I won''t become Don Juan, how can this be "worked on," do I need lessons, she''s never needed to give lessons before. Turns out she''s a highly sexual person and I can honestly say I felt that she HUD that from me...I feel let down and confused by that as I would have been more than willing to accommodate had she let me in.

This, she informs me, is 60% (she even put a number on it for me...to help me grasp the magnitude of the problem) of our problem. Great, I say, then we can finally try to work on this issue? No. It''s not something people can work on apparently...I shouldn''t need to be told. I feel AWFUL about this issue. It has eaten me up inside for a while. How could I not have known my wife sexually? It''s like I was living a lie. Why would she not let me in to that side of her?

Perhaps your wife has been embarrassed by needing to satisfy herself through pornography, and didn''t feel she could approach this side of her for fear of disapproval perhaps. I''m not saying you would have disapproved, maybe that she thought you might. However, sexual compatibility is usually something that ''clicks'' by itself, chemistry and all that.

It''s clear that you both have differences sexually, but I''m not sure why she feels this cannot be sorted out after you''ve discovered her secret and are willing to try and improve things between the sheets.

I''m wondering if Relate might help you both?

It might MT1. I of course suggested this. But she was hated the idea of talking to someone else about the issue.

Sam

It''s obviously a communication issue and well you can''t be expected to know it all and read minds, but enough about that, now let''s live in the present, you as person, cannot be expected to be everything to everyone, you are unique, you are who you are.

If life was so simple that we connected with everyone that we met, wouldn''t it be great, but it doesn''t, we don''t always connect with everyone we meet.

We as humans are good at dwelling, thinking deeply what others have to say about us, but what do you think who you are? What are your likes and dislikes? As soon as you forget who you are as the person, you lose your identity, you lose your personality and what makes you

Start writing down what characteristics makes you unique, what separates you from the rest of the human race? And then when you finished, share it with the rest of the world, as a figure of speech

60%? That''s a ridiculous thing for her to say. You don''t put ''percentages'' on stuff like this.

It''s a testament to you that you tried to talk about this stuff...

Do you think there''s a possibility that she might just be using this as a cheap shot to make you deliberately feel bad? I mean, if she knows this was important to you (as it is for so many of us), then she might have figured out that this was a bit of a fault line.

For your own sanity, don''t dwell on it. 60%.... sounds like nonsense. There''s sex, and there''s having a life with someone and dealing with all the stuff that comes with it. Try to put it in perspective; she sounds like her head is all over the place.

Agressively filter stuff that she says.

Best,
JJ

I''ve had some of this too and it''s crazy talk. If you were communicating well in a healthy relationship then I think you could work through this together and grow together.

However, she''s coming to you now with this! It smacks of her justifying why she needs to end it. Why she needs to move on.

Your story sounds similar to mine in some ways. So look inside yourself and understand why you didn''t talk about these issues years ago? Why you didn''t look her in the eye and say "our sex life is deeply unsatisfying for me and I want to work with you to change that". I know I didn''t do that. I muddled on thinking it was good enough.

But for now, in the present, let it go. Know that it''s not just you. It takes two people. If the action in the bedroom was subpar there is no one person at fault. I bet with the next person you find the sex will be awesome. I know that happened for me .

hey samchik,
Hate to say this man, but it''s possible she''s either in an emotional relationship with another guy, or thinking of it.
I HOPE I''m wrong samchik and it''s not.... ''cos you''re a good chap..

When I first met my wife (at 25) she was really pretty, but her libido I would have rated about 50-60, quite a lot different to the girls I''d known before her whom I would have put say, 60 to 90.
But that was cool with me, as I liked her in heaps of other ways..personality, humour etc etc.

After our daughter was born it kinda slid back to maybe 40 to 50 and really remained that way.
So I''d have to get her in the mood first, or sometimes it would be the "alright, hurry up then and let me get back to sleep" LOL! (We all know it.)

One thing I can say though, is that she was always entirely faithful, as was I.

Suddenly last year, it zoomed to 100% !!
WTF was going on??
SHE was starting everything off...even if I was tired and needed some sleep!
Wanting to try "new" stuff that she''d always turned down in the past as being a "turn off" for her. WTF?
I certainly wasn''t complaining and felt that maybe things had taken a turn for the better!
Thought maybe menopause??

Well, that''s around the time the Internet dating site stuff began.

Even though the "bed" stuff was good...it wasn''t great..something missing somehow...

Then it dawned on me that she wasn''t "with" me as in the past, but I was maybe carrying out the function as she carried out the dream?

Don''t get me wrong. I''ve nothing against occassional fantasies on either part...

But this seemed different somehow..

A month later found out she had been meeting other guys for "coffee".

Maybe things would have worked if I had accepted an "open" marriage?
But,hey.. sorry...I''m just not wired that way.

Her Internet stuff, texting and meetings and the lies and deceit just got too much for me.
Now we are sadly split up as a family and I''m sure she won''t be the happier for it in a few more years as a 60 year old single, out looking for cheap thrills..

But by then it will all be too late.

Her choice.


LW