So the shit hit the fan...like never before

Awful.Awful.Awful. I''m sitting here shaking...uncontrollably. Tears are hitting the keyboard...one has just hit the space bar right in the middle.

Oh...where to start? I came home from my mum''s today with our son. We''d been there five days. She''s still here. She had cooked me dinner when I got back and was acting as though everything is normal. It isn''t. She said we should talk about things...so we started to. It got heated...very heated...everything was discussed...everything.

Turns out...as I suspected deep down...that she met someone, a Ukrainian guy, in an art gallery, they exchanged numbers and have been texting (and probably sexting...I don''t know) for a couple of weeks now. This was the last straw...I felt betrayed again. I ask her why she''s feeding me all of this BS about us re-evaluating in a few months time if she''s already lining up some other B^&^%$D to get with as soon as she moves out? She can''t answer that...it''s clear she really doesn''t have any such intentions. I again feel like this is another blow...I expressly asked her about this issue on numerous occasions and she was convincing in saying that this was not the case. BS. BS. BS.

What else comes out in the wash? Oh yeah. The same old shit. We have never been sexually compatible...but she buttoned it for 6 years and said nothing because she thought that was the right thing to do????? Thought she could put up with it???? Didn''t think to talk it over with her husband?????? Apparently, I would never have agreed to a threesome with another guy (she''s right, I wouldn''t have)...like her old BF...and that was something that floated her boat...but I knew about this when...oh...just as she''s walking out the F&%$%%n door.

That she was still in love with her previous BF when we first met????? And didn''t think to tell me about it????? That I''m like a second child and she doesn''t know how to explain to me WHY???? In what way? Apparently, such things "just are" and can never be worked upon.

So this is how it works. Treat her like s$%t, like her old boyfriend did...cheat...lock her in the house so she can''t go outside...tell her what to wear and how to look...and generally take away her humanity and she''ll love you (so long as you give her threesomes and take your coat off so she can walk over puddles). However, do as I did and treat her like a human being (but minus the threesomes and whatever the F&^k else she was missing in the bedroom) and respect her and be faithful? Nahhh...not worth a jot. F^&^%g enigma.

So after all this stuff is thrown about...I''m climbing the ceilings...I seriously feel like I''m a whisker away from being sectioned here. She has taken my son out for a walk to the park...leaving me here. But she''s STILL HERE!!!!!! How the hell can this continue??? I told her it can''t...that I''m about to lose my mind. She said she''ll see if she can stay at a friends in the evenings...or maybe keep herself locked in my son''s room...but I don''t think that''s good enough.

How in god''s name did I get myself into this mess? How in god''s name am I going to get out of it? I feel like she never loved me...how can she have done? And now she''ll be off with some Ukrainian she met five minutes ago...just like that. How can your self-esteem recover from something like this? I feel like I''m a complete failure, in the bedroom, as a man, as a husband, in not knowing how to treat a woman. She even said that me crying about this is further evidence of what she means...a man does not cry over a woman, he is stronger than that, no woman is worth that...apparently.

Sam - you are not the first to find himself in this situation and you wont be the last. Don''t be too hard on yourself - she is blaming you for everything because she wont admit her own guilt.

It happened to my son three times and three times he took her back. He only suspected the first two occasions, he was almost sure but couldn''t prove it. By the third time there was no doubt.

If you wonder why he stuck it out so long it was because of his two children. They were the most important thing about his marriage and the thought of another man bringing his children up was unbearable to him.

People will advise you not to leave your house. My son did leave because his ex. engineered a quarrel and called the police on him. He felt it was too risky to remain in the house as malicious telephone calls could continue to be made. Whether that was the right decision is debatable, but I think overall it was the best decision for him.

You might not think this just at the minute, but you will get over this and you will recover. When my son came back to live with us he was at his lowest ebb. He was without a home and without his children. Soon afterwards he was told by his old neighbours that the boyfriend had moved in. He talked about his ex. to me for three solid months - I don''t think I saw a television programme through to the end! It was obviously therapeutic for him but he only really started to recover when he moved out to a place of his own. It''s nearly three years now and he has no thoughts of his ex at all. In fact he relieved he can now relax in his own home, something he was never really able to do for the ten years he was married.

It''s going to be tough for you sam for some time to come, but if you can manage to get your head together and think clearly, make sure you have adequate access to your boy.

All the best to you. Stepper xx

(((samchik)))

It''s unbelievable the stuff they put us through. But enough is enough, you really need to to stop tormenting yourself by listening to her lies and revisionist version of the past. She is the one in a mess; she needs to blame you; in order to do that she reinvents things and finds fault where there was none.

The way forward is to grit your teeth and remove her from your life. She wants her Ukrainian and to reinvent herself as born again teenager. Let her do it. I know you don''t want to hear this but the sooner she is out of your life the sooner you will be able to mend yourself and to rescue your self esteem from the toilet she''s shoved it down.

Sorry about your pain Sam. You''ve found a place where we''ve all been through or are still going through shit , similar shade or texture. There is no shame in showing your feelings - remeber its your passionate nature that probably drew you together in the first place.
hang on in there. There''s light at the end of the tunnel.

sent you a pm mate

sent another pm to you

Hi Sam please try to stay strong I know that is easier said than done but this situation is not your fault.Our STBX are very good at transferring the blame and their guilt onto us I think this is how they can live with themselves.If you have not done so get a counsellor a good one will make all of the difference to you .
It will get easier I have been where you are and know the feeling but you will get stronger it just takes time.
My ex nearly destroyed me and i have just had another major blow ...we are in counselling my husband has moved out but comes back at weekends took our children who are 18,17 and 14 on a skiing holiday which i was not allowed to go on.They came back yesterday and my daughters told me that my stbx had spent the whole holiday texting and bbm what looked like about 4 other woman and treated them like idiots as if they didnt know what was going on (my eldest daughter is an oxford undergrad so definitely not stupid!!)
The most awful thing is our children now totally despise him and they adored him .Anyway to cut to the chase a few months ago i would have ended up not being able to get out of bed at this point.....instead i emailed my lawyer and asked her to get the divorce ball rolling as i have had enough.

I will be thinking about you
lottie