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So the shit hit the fan...like never before

  • Phoenix2yk9
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09 Apr 12 #322540 by Phoenix2yk9
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Sam

Looks like you are getting a lot of sound advice, doesn''t help when she is around and the emotional turmoil inside you. You can receive all the best advice in the world, but ultimately it''s up to you, when I found out my ex had an affair, I said to her, to her face I want a divorce, and she said I''m not ready, and I remembered the emotional fallout that I experienced when I said that.

You do what is right for you, we will support you whatever you decide, it''s your choice what you choose to do, it took me a while to pluck up the courage to get divorced, I knew what it meant, but I decided when it was right for me, when I felt I using my head rather than my heart to decide, so that there was no going back from my decision, notice the word ''my''

Whatever happens we are all with you every step of the way, you will experience everything, but you will also learn, to be strong, to be independent and to feel you have your own identity again. I felt lost for so long, but now I have a sense of direction and purpose and you will again too.

Also think of your son too and imagine what a great future you will have for him, and also the opportunity of bringing him up. Of that I am very envious of you

Stay strong and keep focused mate

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09 Apr 12 #322544 by pixy
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At the risk of stirring things further I think one possible explanation for what is happening here is that a history of abuse means that Samchik''s stbx only understands abusive relationships. If that is so - and only Samchik can tell whether this is a viable explanation - then it may help him understand what is going on.

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09 Apr 12 #322545 by Phoenix2yk9
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Leftwondering

I can understand haway''s point, and I am not defending him, he is more than capable of doing that himself.
Haway is trying to give Sam a reason to look at his partner in a bad light, but all the same, Sam will make his own mind up about his situation and he will decide the outcome, none of us can decide that for him

Anyway how are things with you?

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09 Apr 12 #322547 by leftwondering
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I think Sam first needs to get some space away from her.
Preferably helping her get out the door to London to live with friends or whatever.
It sounds like the atmosphere at home is getting really heated and as "stepper" pointed out, the LAST thing he needs is for her to call the cops and start to make all kinds of crazy accusations.

He should really see his GP urgently for some anti anxiety meds to stop his mind racing and maybe some sleeping aids as he is still trying to hold down a job as well as deal with all this crap.

If he hasn''t done so already, he should let his Head of Dept at work know what''s happening.

He needs to go back to his Lawyer and explain the new circumstances and get some advice on how to handle things.

He then needs to make NO CONTACT with her at all in the meantime, unless it''s to do with his son or any legal matters.

The guy needs some peace to sort things out in his head, cos at the moment he still loves his wife and wanted a happy marriage and family and all that has just been flushed down the toilet and he''s trying to get his head round it all.

I''m not bashing Haway. Just saying his comments at this time are probably not going to be helpful to Sam.

LW

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09 Apr 12 #322579 by samchik1
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As usual, so many helpful comments and some really good advice from very different angles. Thanks. I feel like I should step in because I see my post created some "debate."

Right now I''m on the exercise bike. Gonna stay here for some time and burn some energy off. I feel calmer today. But I''m on a merry-go-round and I know anger and upset will follow the acceptance I''m at in this moment.

Her having someone else (they meet for coffee) has in some ways given me a reason to abandon all hope. She bangs on about showing each other respect during this (I.e., it''s respectful of me to allow her to live here til moving day) - but where''s her respect for me when she''s meeting this d£&k behind my back before the word separation has been fully pronounced? Tttttt

But as for where I stand? Will I kick my wife onto the street before she leaves? No. That''s just not my style. Maybe that means I need to "grow a pair" (and an extra inch or so to satisfy her in the bedroom!) and I''m not a man? I don''t think so...it shows rumblings of compassion, forgiveness, and love. I prefer those to jealousy, hate, and anger (all of which I feel - but don''t want to part reflecting them back at her).

I get the essence of haway''s comments. That''s his style...you hear the extreme end of the response spectrum and see how you feel about it...how it fits. It doesn''t fit in this case. This is not a case of a Russian woman looking for a passport and easy ride. It certainly wasn''t always like this. She did and does love me in a different sort of way...there''s an attachment...but there''s not a marriage. I was not in love with a pure fantasy. I think it''s rarely 100% a fantasy projection. I was in love with a mixture of bits of the real her and bits of a fantasy ideal I projected onto her (something we all do to all partners I believe...it''s nature, Freudian). She has shattered that creation in my mind and I have to learn to live without it now. Was there good in her? Heaps. I will miss all of that.

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09 Apr 12 #322581 by Shoegirl
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Ok glad you are coping a but better today.

Your post still reaks of what is right for her.there is little of what is right for you. Be careful your good nature does not lead to her taking further advantage.

As for the rest Sam, I''m unclear I why you are taking any notice of what she says. She lies. You are still clearly very affected by her comments. Therapy may help you gain some much needed perspective.

As for Haway the Lads, I must offer a slightly alternative view. He was equally as direct with me when my Stbx left. Look back on the posts if you don''t believe me. I have met him and told him to his face that he was absolutely spot on with his assessment of my Stbx and his direct comments offered me invaluable insight in escaping a highly abusive marriage. I was in denial up to my neck when I entered the awful world of separation and divorce. I owe Haway a debt of gratitude for his spot on comments in my case. He played a part in keeping me away from an abusive husband who took very bad advantage of my good nature.

So, I don''t agree that Haway is extreme. But then again Sam,that''s just me. You have to make the assessment of your own situation.

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09 Apr 12 #322590 by hawaythelads
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Sam glad that your not in so much of a state today.
Really try and adopt some practical steps to protect yourself.
You''re in denial that this is well and truly over as far as she''s concerned.
The little obsessive head in your voice is still saying but but but what if I do this what if she changes her mind what if I do this.
IF MY AUNTY HAD BALLS SHE''D BE MY UNCLE!!
I was all for saying I''ll do the right thing for my ex harridan.As my old man told me one night that''s all right son you might as well have cXXt tatooed on your forehead how she''s turning you over as long as you appear nice you fecking idiot she''s turning you over.
I thought but, but, but........BUT IN REALITY WHEN IT''S ALL OVER THEY''VE STILL LEFT YOU FOR GOOD AND TURNED YOU OVER EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY!!
You should start divorce proceedings,you should tell her to stay in London and if she won''t you should go and stay somewhere else all the times she is about.For your own sake.
Do you know six years on the only time I hear from the ex harridan is when there''s trouble or she wants something off me financially.As I say I am the unpaid baby sitting service.
I guarantee you''ll always have that contact.
All the best
Pete

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