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kids meeting the new girlfriend

  • hapus
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09 Apr 12 #322632 by hapus
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please can you advise?
i have found out (through my kids) that their dad...my stbx...has a new girlfriend and they have spent most of the weekend with her and kids......its left me feeling really angry with my children for being so accepting (although she had nothing to do with our separation...that was another woman!)
im hoping that this is a normal response....?
i should be proud of the kids for being friendly and accepting....but i am finding it very difficult
any advice from someone who has jumped this hurdle (the first of many to come i fear)
thanks
xxx

  • lozzsa21
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09 Apr 12 #322638 by lozzsa21
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Hi there,
I can totally understand how you feel. My stbx and I split last July so I''m 9 months on. He was asking me back until end of Jan, but as I''d found evidence of him cheating to me it was over and I couldn''t trust him. Also he lied A LOT. He''d been taking xxxx out with my kids since December and my kids had passed comment about them being girlfriend/boyfriend but he''d denied it. Two weeks after the last time he asked me back he finally admitted he was seeing her saying it was ''early days''. Then the next time the kids went, they came back saying Daddy and xxxx were moving in together and there''d be 5 kids in the house when they were there! The gutless idiot still hasn''t had the decency to tell me to my face. I was so hurt and felt like I went to hell and back the last few weeks, it really knocked me back. But the kids are very accepting (age is a big factor, mine are 6 and 5) and all seems fine. I''ve come to the conclusion it''s best I say nothing, encourage them to have a nice time and concentrate on myself and my relationship with my kids. I plan nice things, thoroughly enjoy my time with them and try to be busy when I don''t have them so I''m not thinking what they''re doing.

It''s not easy and the first few times I spent in tears. I took them to Butlins last week and we had such a wicked time, when it came to Sunday and I knew they were going I was dreading it. But I''m ok. And hopefully eventually I''ll have someone to spend my free time with. And I''ll make sure I show him the same consideration he showed me.

It gets easier, I promise. Just keep busy and don''t torture yourself, kids are accepting and adaptable but you''ll always be their mum no-one can take that away.

  • maisymoos
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09 Apr 12 #322668 by maisymoos
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If you are like me this was one of the hardest things to cope with, but it is something that unfortunately many of us on here have had to go through. We must remember the kids are innocent and wherever they are or what ever they are doing we want them to be happy, if they sense your feelings they may start to feel insecure.

I just had to blank the fact that they were with the OW thinking about it was too hard. One day you may want to introduce them to a new partner, you will want them to like him, and your stbx will just have to handle it in the same way you have. I know it''s hard but it is harder on the children if they are worried about you and feel they are somehow doing wrong.

You will always be their mother and no other person can change that. Knowing that helped me cope too.

  • hapus
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10 Apr 12 #322710 by hapus
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thankyou for both of those replies.
i really do need to start keeping busy when the kids are with him...as i just seem to sit around thinking of them all playing happy families
i appeciate the advice about the kids being worried about me...i certainly havent discouraged my 13 year old daughter to not feel worried, to the point she hasnt even mentioned going out with her this weekend. last week when she told me that she had met her, i got really cross and told her that i wasnt interested in daddy or his love life.....im feeling really embarrassed and ashamed now.....she is a wonderful daughter and i have made her feel guilty
I do think that stbx should have told me that he had met someone though, as its the decent thing to do, we all live in the same village...its what i would have done for sure.....

  • Marshy_
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10 Apr 12 #322722 by Marshy_
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Hi Hapus

hapus wrote:

she is a wonderful daughter and i have made her feel guilty
I do think that stbx should have told me that he had met someone though, as its the decent thing to do, we all live in the same village...its what i would have done for sure.....


Dont knock yrself for yr reaction. You want to protect yr kids and knowing that some other women has yr kids or that she has met them and perhaps the kids even liked her is going to hurt. This was just thrust apon you. And you have had no time to prepare yrself. The real culprit here is yr ex. He should have warned you that this was going to happen.

The problems that kids face are not like ours. They dont have the life skills that we have and they place a lot more emphasis on being happy then we do. If for instance, they see dad being happy, they will like this. But they may feel guilty at the same time because the person that yr ex is with now is not mum (you). And this confuses them and split''s their loyalties. The trick for parents is to hide our feelings and let our children express joy that there dad is now happy. Doing otherwise makes the kids play a double game where they have to run down each side in front of the other. As kids are hard wired to please.

What you may want to do is have a word with yr 13 YO and just say that Mummy was angry and that she was wrong to be harsh with her and its cool to like the OW. Of course inside you may feel ripped in two. But this is just one of the things we need to do to ensure that the kids are not torn and have to take sides. And it takes a lot of pressure off them if they can express themselves freely in front of you. And they wont feel the need to run her down in front of you. Just to please you or stop you being angry. Hope that helps. C.

  • hapus
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10 Apr 12 #322849 by hapus
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thankyou that definately helps....im just feeling a bit insecure, its been a long bank holiday weekend without them, probably the longest time spent apart from them all x but i will phone them later and i will be positive about their time spent away from me, and the next time that they are away for a while i shall plan ahead and stop being so damn needy!!!
thankyou x

  • cherish68
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10 Apr 12 #322882 by cherish68
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Hey, my ex married the women he had an affair with. The first time I heard my children had spent a cosy week with her and the ex I was so sad. The children are innocent in all this, and although its easy to feel jealousy and anxiety about the situation - dont give in to this. Be interested about what the children did during their weekend. Keep things light and neutral. Your kids will sense if you are angry and might think it is their fault. Try to be as casual about it as you can. The children will feel comfortable talking to you and not feel the need to keep things inside to protect your feelings. This way you can continue to have an open relationship with them. I actually have more time for the new wife than my ex and for the sake of the children it is important we can talk. We''ll never be best friends though.... I completely understand what you are going through and have shed many tears over the years but time is a great healer. I now have new woes but not about him and her. So, take courage because in time things will get better. Focus on loving your children. It might not feel like it now, but your future will be better than you ever imagined x

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