Yesterday I woke with a jolt...something was wrong. I went through a list...knot in stomach? Check. Feelings of utter despair? Check. Fear of losing my son? Check. Mind movies of a sexual and intimate nature? Check. Lack of desire to do anything but sit in bed and cry? Check.
In other words, all was as usual, EVERYTHING was wrong.
But as I said, yesterday brought the interesting twist that she was starting to crack too. Emotionally distraught...crapping herself about the future. Tearful. Out of that I drew strength...for some reason I felt less bothered by the shit I''m going through. Just felt that it might be possible to get through this.
So I work (if you can call it that). I come home... I find I have no desire to engage her in any further conversation about any of this crap. I really seriously for the first time just don''t WANT to talk about it or think about it...I just played with my son. I felt like I''d accepted my lot...like I am ready for the gallows when my time comes and I''ll take what comes when it comes. Calmer.
I retained this state all evening. Cooked. Fed and watered myself. Exercised. Went to bed. She seemed genuinely surprised...and to tell you the truth...so am I. I went to bed...slept from 10-8????!!! WTF? That hasn''t happened for a month. Some sense of despair...but some sense of hope (not about her...about the future for me) this morning. I get up...have breakfast, am even cheerful (uh?). I have a shower, I spruce up, I play with my son and I go to work.
As I''m walking to the door I notice she''s been staring at me...she wants to say something. She says it..."you know, you are an extremely handsome man...very sexy." "Thanks" I say, "I know." And I walk out the door. Since last night, I felt like I have been filling up with petrol after running on empty...it feels good.
My brain has been processing all the shit at a phenomenal rate over the last month. My 40 posts (so sorry!) on here are evidence of that. I have been reorganising, reconceptualising, analysing...some say that makes me a hopeless, philosophical, mindf75ck. My wife said it''s one of the reasons she''s off. I''ve never agreed with that...from all of this will come a rewired brain. Better equipped to forge ahead...
Glad to hear it. Don''t despair if you relapse - we all go backwards from time to time, but take heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, however faint it sometimes seems. Cliche it may be, but these sayings become cliches because they encompass truths.
Think she may be re-evaluating what she''s about to lose.
Don''t depend on it though.
Don''t analyse or try to predict her mindset.
Dealing or reasoning with people with chaotic personalities is impossible..
Good progress. Taking control over your situation and disengaging will give you a sense of relief. It will be up and down for some time to come. The key is to remember that now you are standing in your own power to control the things you can and let go of the things you can''t however painful it is.
As for her she''s all over the place. Manipulative types vary what they say depending on what outcome they want to achieve. No integrity, not in touch with themselves. This is not about being bitter, why I say comes from a deep acceptance of some people''s limitations as human beings. Not an excuse for poor conduct from abusive types but a reason perhaps.
Remember this when she tells you you''re crap in the sack again.
When I read this post I wanted to say "get in!" . Good for you - taking control - even just a tiny bit - is so empowering.
Your subtle improvement in terms of how you''re feeling & how you are presenting yourself won''t be lost on your ex.
My ex did exactly the same - whilst I was on the floor with grief, he had all the power & obviously felt I was a sure thing back up plan. Once I started to pick up the pieces & dealt with him with a more detatched & positive (about myself) approach - then the compliments started. It''s absolutely manipulative & your ex is no doubt thinking that you may not be there as a soft place to fall, or bail her out or be ever faithful waiting in the wings.
Good for you Sam. Take strength from this but remember how awful she is capable of being to you.