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Backslide...already

  • samchik1
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14 Apr 12 #323626 by samchik1
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Ha...well that was all very nice while it lasted. But the inevitable backslide has hit hard today. I had felt empowered yesterday...but as some here said, that was more likely due to the fact that she was struggling. She threw out comments like candy yesterday. After she''d left for London (she''s there til Monday) I get another text saying "you are very, very handsome, stranger." I did not reply.

Actually, while I thought I liked her comments yesterday, today I don''t. So why am I destabilised? Firstly, it''s because before she got into all that she had been the most cold hearted cow towards me for a month. Not a sniff of positivity toward me. I had grown used to it. I was adapting to it. I was resigned to my fate and actually accepting it. Her behavior yesterday though was odd...it was like she was attracted to me, mildly flirtatious. It ruined my previous course because it took me mind back to the possibility of hope, reconciliation...which I was actually letting go of.

Secondly, she''s gone to London. In my mind she''s having a ball, sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Living it up. All is rosy. I''m simply living our normal mundane life (the one she apparently hated). Classic case of front foot back foot I guess.

I comfort myself with (as many on here suggested) thoughts that I was in a good place for a bit...even if short lived. That means it can be done. It''s a case of dragging myself out of bed today. Motivation zero. But I have a little guy taking a dump on his potty in front of me. Shouting "finished!!!." So it''s clear what my first task of today is...god has it really only been a month? Don''t fancy too many more months like that..,ugh.

  • pixy
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14 Apr 12 #323628 by pixy
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You had one good day. That was real progress given how short a time it has been. Next time it might be a day and a bit, or might just be a couple of hours. Take it as it comes, but take some reassurance that that strength will reappear.

Take care ((())).

  • Mitchum
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14 Apr 12 #323647 by Mitchum
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You were going to feel like this as she departed once more for her parallel life. It''s natural to think any day now she''s going to tell me it''s all been a big mistake, please can we sit down and talk about this and save our marriage? I held out those hopes for a long time. Too long.

''Normal and mundane'' is life. What your wife is seeking is not real in any lasting sense. How long before her life in London becomes normal and mundane? Because that''s the way of things.

''Normal life'' is that little boy on his potty. Normal is that right now he needs you to care for him today. Normal is him needing his Daddy to make his life worth living today. Watch his face when he''s happy and tell me that''s mundane. That''s a treasure she''s missing today and you have it in the palm of your hand.

Take small steps each day towards healing. Take them in step with your child and you will feel strong enough to cope with this. You are a strong person underneath, you''ve just been winded by the blows.

Thinking of you.

  • soulruler
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14 Apr 12 #323660 by soulruler
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I got a very similar treatment from my departing spouse. I was the re-incarnation of everything he couldn''t stand and the reason for his affair (he told me he couldn''t stand the thought of having sex with me) and then when he left and I stopped answering his malicous texts and trying to counsel him and justify myself what happened next was that he started texting me saying how wonderful I was and when could we next meet.

Push me, pull me. You are bound to be depressed and not want to get out of bed. Force yourself up and you are doing the right thing not responding. Attempt to block out the repetative thoughts, you may need anti depressants for a while - one of their main functions is to block repetative thoughts and help you recover mentally and get things in perspective.

You will understand being in the profession that this is a mental health issue. I think that having difficult life experiences and getting through them will make you a better professional.

  • Shezi
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14 Apr 12 #323664 by Shezi
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Hi Sam

Backsliding in a such a short time is to be expected, you know. It''s hard work keeping emotions in check. You''ve lost something you wanted... very much, I think.

I remember well the place you''re in. I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, not have to face the world. But, like you, I had a reason to get out of bed in the morning - I had two littlies, one still in nappies. I had to function and that''s pretty much all I was capable of doing for a while. It took 6 months for me to realise I''d stopped backsliding. I don''t know how long it actually took, I didn''t notice it happening. What kept me focused was those children. Before I knew it, I''d got a new routine going on and somewhere along the line I got used to that. Eventually, it occurred to me that I could go out when they were with dad. At first, I used to say goodbye to them, lock the door, and watch old movies back to back til I fell asleep.

I agree with soulruler''s advice - what you''re experiencing is not something brought to you by a patient - it''s your own, first-hand experience. Experience can be painful. Tortuous even... But experience is what ultimately makes us strong. And compassionate. Being able to empathise is a very valuable quality.

Shezi

  • Phoenix2yk9
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14 Apr 12 #323752 by Phoenix2yk9
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sam,

it does get better mate, glad you have you got your little boy for the weekend, wish my girl was around so i could see her, sigh.

You will get these as i term ''nice'' texts now and again, just to test your resolve and to see if you are pining after her, i fell hook, line and sinker, when i was given a glimmer of hope.

Don''t be hard on yourself, you are still early days mate, and in time you will find that these nice gestures and comments are empty, so don''t look into them too much, and focus on the amazing time you will have with your boy, kicking a ball around, going to the park and laughing, all this your stbx (soon to be ex) partner will miss and you will reap the rewards

Stay strong and you are doing just fine

  • jjones123
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14 Apr 12 #323766 by jjones123
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One thing we can never really know is what they are doing.

Those of us who have been left or dumped have this immediate cognitive bias that goes, ''they''ve chosen to do something else, which means that this something might be better...'' The thing is, it doesn''t always work out this way.

Best,
JJ

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