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A brutally honest post...

  • samchik1
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16 Apr 12 #324243 by samchik1
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Dear all...this is going to be a brutally, brutally honest post...I feel like I need to put this out there. Many of you who have read my posts will know that I have been plagued with self-blame during what''s happened to me so far. Hell, I''m sure many of you are sick of reading my self-critical BS.

I''m at work. I''ve just come from home. I don''t know what just happened back there...it was so emotionally intense. I feel a little dazed...my eyes hurt...and I''m not sure I can continue like this for much longer.

When I got home today we were both very distant with each other...but it was a surface level form of protection. Before I knew it we were in tears in each other''s arms...weeping about all of the things we felt but had never expressed to the other. Something she said registered within me...and I feel so damn awful about it.

So...the brutally honest bit. Well, I told you all before that our sex life had become one dimensional, it had become about "my" fantasies...about floating my boat...I admit that, and I don''t really know why or how we got there. What were my fantasies? Well...nothing out of the ordinary. Since I was a teenager I developed a kind of "classic" fantasy (probably fuelled from teenage porn), I liked the high heels, stockings and suspenders, maybe showgirl-like stuff. I liked that...dunno why...but it floated my boat.

I''ve just seen for the first time how my wife REALLY felt about that...and I''m horrified. I''m devastated and distraught that I played a part in making someone else feel like that. She said it made her feel like I was not interested in the real her...like I wanted her BUT when she was different from what she actually was...that she thought I did not "love her" (sexually) unless she was my fantasy. I cannot tell you how I feel after looking into her eyes for the first time (I''ve never heard her say this before...and did not know the depths of her feelings) and seeing how hurt and upset she was...I am broken, broken at how I did not SEE the path we were following there. I''m broken to see how much pain I caused her. No I never cheated, no I never hit her, no I did not abuse her...but maybe I did? In this way? She says it''s not about me being "bad" for this...it''s about someone with a fragile self-esteem too. But I can''t get over the fact that I let her down.

You know, when my wife was 14 she was gang raped...I''m crying as I write this as I cried inside the first time she told me...I saw the suffering in her eyes...and I wanted so much to protect her from that kind of suffering again...I''ve failed. When we got together I made some sort of subconscious promise to myself that I would love her, protect her, and as Marshy once said...play the knight in shining armour. Today, I feel I have more in common with the beasts who did that to her than a knight who could take her away from it.:(:blush:

  • leftwondering
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16 Apr 12 #324251 by leftwondering
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Hey samchik,

I think you are crucifying yourself over what was nothing more than mild sexual fun.

Sex does not ALWAYS have to be about deep romantic intimacy. So long as nobody feels degraded or abused.
A lot of women enjoy wearing sexy undies etc to turn on their man. It gives them a turn-on too!

Umm, Ann Summers sexy lingerie shops are on the High street not down some dingy alley! Their turnover must be pretty high to afford the rent, rates and staff wages!

If one of you is uncomfortable with anything then it should be talked about openly.

This is what love and trust is about.

To be honest, what you described is actually milder than her using porn...which is also no great big deal so long as it does not become obsessive or REPLACE sex.

Certainly not grounds for seeking a separation and possible divorce!

OK..if that''s all that was bugging her then now you''ve had that conversation the problem should now be over.

If she still wants to separate, then I can assure you it''s not because of that.
Be careful of the blame shifting BS there, samchik.


LW

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16 Apr 12 #324253 by stepper
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Samchick - don''t blame yourself. You may have missed the signs but isn''t a little fantasy sometimes encouraged to help pep up a jaded sex life?

There are worse things than high heels and suspender belts you know.

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16 Apr 12 #324255 by samchik1
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I know stepper...it''s not the fantasy itself I''m bugged about...it''s tame by any standards (but probably porn fuelled)...it''s how she felt because of it that gets me...and how I had no access to that.

You''re right LW - communication of her dislikes was VITAL and things have gotten to this point cos of that...no doubt.

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16 Apr 12 #324257 by leftwondering
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Sorry to be brutally honest too samchik, but I think she is blowing smoke up your ass so she can make you take the blame of the separation.
As I said, if that''s what was bugging her, then now it''s all out in the open, then the separation should be OFF.

Is it?


LW

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16 Apr 12 #324302 by Canuck425
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I would advise caution as well. She''s confused and so are you. Is this leading to more honest and open communication? If yes, great. What about her other man? Is that still on?

Careful with accepting her blame. There are two sides here...

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16 Apr 12 #324309 by Triste en France
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There''s NOTHING wrong with fantasies, and NOTHING wrong with two partners acting them out, or even one partner playing along, even though they may not be a particularly willing participant. As has been said earlier, sex isn''t necessary just romance, sometimes it''s just a carnal desire, and where better to experiment than in a marriage?

So don''t beat yourself up over it - if she was THAT dead against it, maybe you didn''t really know each other at all. There''s a degree of give and take involved, and in a loving partnership, one party will often accommodate the other''s desire to maintain a degree of interest. If it was THAT repulsive to her, you should have been the first to know, and long before it became an issue in separation.

Well, that''s what I think, anyway.

Chris

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