I already knew it to be so...but now I''ve got the cold, hard proof. Man does this sting badly.
I did something a little underhand...I installed a key logger onto our laptop. I checked the key logs this morning...while she''s having breakfast like she''s soooo innocent... Well, at least I know now. "I miss you soooo much," "Can''t wait to see you," "I have nobody to keep me warm at night...I miss you," and other stuff I don''t want to get into.
LIAR!!!. She said this is absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else...and totally about our relationship. But checking this all out, this has been going on since exactly the time this shit all surfaced...as many people have warned me, she''s creating BS in order to make herself feel less guilty and less like a cheater. So...she''s seen this prick the once huh? 15 minutes for coffee? BS. BS. BS. BS. BS.
All the while I have been allowing her to live under my roof, until she finds the perfect flat. She''s been constructing this wonderful elaborate BS about the terrible state of the relationship, making me feel like the world''s worst husband and lover...INSISTING that there is nobody and that she''s on some sort of independence quest? And all the while she KNEW that this was largely about some dick she met a matter of weeks ago.
I feel a fool. A mug. Disrespected by a person I trusted. I asked her for the truth so many times here...and I got a fabrication...a lie. I''m sorry, but I have no respect for her whatsoever.
So how did I react? Reading all this hit me like a freight train...went numb...felt sick...went to the toilet to calm down. Grabbed my stuff for work...she said "what''s wrong?" Could see I was FURIOUS inside. I said to her "I know what you''re doing and so do you...so why are you pretending otherwise. You have no respect for me whatsoever." She knew what I was on about...I could see it written all over her face.
I went to work...had arranged to have coffee with a work buddy and he helped me to talk it out...was good actually. Back to office...still fuming. She''s called 4 times and has left messages on the office phone...I called her back..."what?" She says she sensed something was up..."yeah...and you know what don''t you" I said. "You''ve been lieing to me...trying to make me believe I''m at fault...this is all about our CRAP marriage...you needing to be on your own...not being able to stand being part of a couple...when all this time you''re engaged in a bloody teenage romance? Just waiting to jump ship into another guy''s arms? You''re a 30 year old mother and wife...not a 17 year old college student. Well, now I know the truth...about the relationship you have with this *****...and I''ve lost all respect for you...I don''t want to see you anymore. Please get out."
She can''t let it go...I see very clearly how she has a strong NEED to feel like she''s devoid of blame...I feel it. I knew about that being an issue for cheaters...but never really saw it in action before. She couldn''t let it go. "Oh...but I told you we were separated...and then I can do what I like." "Feck off...this is about respect...and human decency. You are ending this because of some prick you''ve met in London...and you want ME to believe I''m at fault so YOU can feel less guilty? HA...what kind of person are you...I have no respect for you whatsoever right now...I think you need to get out. I''m happy to pay for your room...just get out of my sight. And if you can''t go anywhere keep the feck out of my way at home...I can''t stand to see you. Surely this Ukrainian prick has somewhere you can go." She bursts into tears, says she''ll be sure to be out of my way when I return and puts the phone down.
I''m sorry...but she''s simply used the word "separation" as a sort of smokescreen for the truth here...to defend her from guilt. As if she can simply say the word and suddenly it''s OK to sleep with someone else. She really had me believing (or really wanted me to believe) that this was 100% about our relationship...and she concocted such powerful BS that I bought it. Now I think the word separation actually was simply something that in her mind legitimised what I believe to be betrayal. Not only do I feel hurt by the lack of commitment to our marriage, family and son (she''s traded it all in so cheaply) - but I also feel like she has conned, tricked, and manipulated this in order to make herself feel better at the expense of my feelings and dignity.
Let me tell you about what people mean when they say they want a "seperation". What they are really saying is "I dont have the balls to tell you I want out so this is the next best thing"
All the "i miss yous"- she is hedging. Seeing where the new romance is taking her, while taking the comfort you are giving her.
So now you know the truth. It doesnt change anything. She still wants out, and you need to let her go for your own well being and sanity.
Nevermind the excuses or the "whys" - non are important. Its how you move forward that matters, especially for your wee one.
I''m sorry that you have found out this way. I''m sorry because I know how much lies hurt.
I found out too what kind of person my Stbx was. Awful and it hurt so bad I thought I would die. You will know this statement is not an exaggeration.
That''s the problem with manipulative types. You just can''t get to the truth. What they say varies on who they are talking to. It''s nearly always about someone else and leaving for a new life with them when they start harping on about problems in the marriage which have not been mentioned before.
Ok so she''s going. It will hurt but the best decisions are not always the easiest ones to take. So what now? I think it might be good for you to try and get some time off work if you can. Are you well enough to work right now? Its gonna be easier to manage a period away from work due to illness than it is to explain underperformance when your mind is not on he job. I work in HR so can answer any questions you have on managing the employment situation privately if it helps.
People who are emotionally unavailable often project blame on to others to avoid facing their own inadequacies. I stopped trying to work out hat went on in Stbx''s head some time ago because it was all smoke,mirrors manipulation and self serving. So, think about whats best for you right now, consider how to manage the work situation and get her gone.
She does not respect you but that''s not about you. It''s about the type of person she is. When I realised what type of person my Stbx was, everything started to make sense. Nothing takes the hurt away, tht has to be worked through, 15 months on and my life is so much better. Yours will be too.
My ex put the end of our marriage firmly at my feet (whilst she was going off with a married man), whilst denying *totally* what was going on. It is total BS. And they want to be absolved of any responsibility, justifying their actions in increasingly weird, bizarre and twisted ways. They''ve gone bonkers - YOU are the sane one...
Okay, you''ve used a keylogger, and have got a part of the picture, but from this point onwards you MUST be a paragon of virtue and integrity. I totally understand the need to get angry, but whatever you do don''t express it to her - find other ways to get it out of your system. Expressing anger to her will feed her weird worldview that she had made the right decision. Don''t let her have an easy way through this: be civilised, vent anger in other ways - but I''m sure you know all this...
I don''t know if anyone has already mentioned this: secure your finances as quickly as possible. Open an account into your own name and start getting your salary paid into this, take photocopies of bank statements and make sure you know where important documents are. This is a really important practical step to make sure that you secure your own interests. If she knows that things are going to change for her quickly, she might start taking money out of joint accounts. You must protect yourself and your assets.
((())) You are not alone in facing this kind of reconstruction of life based on a pile of lies. Don''t tell her about the call logger, don''t let on about how you know - there are lots of ways you could have found out, leave her guessing.
As JJ says, get the financial info together, separate your finances. I would also start collecting info to back a case for being the primary carer for your child.
At least you do now know - in a sense that''s positive. If you can get her out of your life as much as is humanly possible when you share parenting of a small child, then you will begin the process of healing.
I for one am glad. You will feel hurt and used and abused. But at least you know now what this has all been about. There was a lot of smoke and mirrors. Many on here will be giving you a knowing nod. Relating how it was too them. Me also.
Ok mate. Upwards and onwards. Lets hope she really keeps her word and leaves before you get home.
I am not supposed to hug men. I am way too manly for that. But hey, this is diffo... ((((HUGS)))) C.
From having read your other posts and blogs, I know regardless, in the cold light of day, the hard proof of her adultery is very hard to take. You are right it is like you are in the middle of a train wreck, in your heart of hearts you can not bare to think that the one person you trusted with your life, has destroyed everything you have held so dear. Your morales, values, trust, dignity and respect, the things that you thought she believed in to, have shot straight out of the window. It is like a bullet to the heart. Shoegirl is right, you do think you are dying. I caught my STBX with his then OW, so I know how much the truth hurts, especially when it is written in black and white.
Like the other''s have said, when they become ''involved'' with A.N.Other, they take it into their heads to re-write history in order to clear whatever little conscience that they still have. It is like they play a game with you, coercing you into believing that the marriage is over and that it is heavily due to being all your fault. You did not deserve this, nobody does, there is no excuse for adultery, that is the long and the short of it.
Take the advice and take some time off from work. If you have friends or relatives that you trust, then board the next train with your little one and have a holiday if you can. Allow yourself the little time and luxury you can to let this betrayal sink in. Trust only those who will help see you through this journey, as things can turn ugly when A.N. Other is involved. Be kind to yourself and focus only on you and your little one. Get out of town for a few days and avoid any face to face contact with her, until it is necessary and you feel strong enough.
jjones123 is right, do not be her meal ticket anymore, let her stand on her own two feet, make sure your accounts are set up in your own name and due to her nationality make sure that she does not have your little one''s passport. Let your lawyer know what has been going on and protect only your own and your little one''s interest first and foremost. All the rest will fall into place, when you are ready to tackle it. She has made her bed, let her lie in it!
Wishing you all the very best and remember you are not alone, there are so many of us going through this too, but with time it does get easier to manage, you just need to be kind to yourself, do not be hard on yourself and take baby steps, one day at a time.