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Advice for the weekend

  • Sunshine10
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19 Apr 12 #324864 by Sunshine10
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He wants to come and see the kids (which is fine) but wants to come and spend the day at the house with them just hanging out, make tea, watch tv, play games (like its a normal day).
A week ago I asked for him not to do this but to take them out but he just seems to be ignoring that or really not understanding.
If I say no I will be the bad guy. Am I being unreasonable? I could go out for most of the day though he wants to put them to bed.

No contact......just impossible!

  • Bobbinalong
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19 Apr 12 #324874 by Bobbinalong
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Hi, not sure what the background is?
Does he have his own place ?
How far to travel?
Best advice is to communicate with him and tell him in the best way that he should be picking them up at such a time, suggest places he could go, then drop them off at such a time.
Tell him he can''t stay at the house because....? You have friends coming round!
finally he can put them to bed when they stay at his place.

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19 Apr 12 #324880 by Sunshine10
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No he doesn''t have his own place, he is staying in hotels in London. It takes about 1.5 hours by train to get to us and the kids haven''t seen him for two weeks, so its his weekend to see them.

I just don''t like the idea of him popping back and settling in like he still lives here (until he leaves when they''ve gone to bed). I don''t like the idea that I have to go out for the day just to avoid him.

  • WhiteRose
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19 Apr 12 #324885 by WhiteRose
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Hi Sunshine,

I''ve just been thinking about this from both of your perspectives.

For you, it feels like ypu''re being invaded.

For him it must feel like being homeless.

Taking them out for the whole day without a car and keeping them entertained and fed I think is a fairly difficult.

How long is the situation with him staying in Hotels going to last, is he looking to get himself a place soon?

Dare I say that by allowing into the home to spend time with the kids is more for their benefit and enjoyment rather than his.

If he took them out - Cinema and meal perhaps - that would kill 3 hours maybe, they then don''t have anywhere to snuggle on a sofa to read or talk privately (without ever being in a public area) being out all day may mean the kids get cold and wet .............

I don''t know, its a difficult situation .......... if it were only for 2 or 3 times, I may be tempted to put up with the situation temporarily (going out & allowing him to use the house - assuming you also had somewhere to go!) but if its going to be a long term thing, then he needs to rethink and maybe together you both can come up with a workable solution.

Take care

WR

  • Sunshine10
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19 Apr 12 #324886 by Sunshine10
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I know I was thinking the same. They do need to see him. He has done cinema + meal the last two times he''s been here.
So for the him it would be great and for the kids, they''d like it too.

It just that it means I won''t be able to avoid him and he will go out the door again, probably feeling much better with himself. Its like rubbing salt into a wound.

God knows how long its going to be lke this. I am surprised he hasn''t found himself something more permanent. Sometimes I think he is trying to punish himself or at least make me think he isn''t having a good time.

Unless of course he isn''t statying in hotels and hecan''t take them back to wherever he is. If I try to ask him about this he will say I''m paranoid, mad...etc all those things cheating spouses say to their other halves. Confused!

  • leftwondering
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19 Apr 12 #324891 by leftwondering
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Hi Sunshine,

Maybe Whiterose is right, although it''s gonna feel pretty tense and awkward.
I''m worried too about what effect this may have on your emotional health as it is recreating a family scene from times past.
So from that point of view I think it would be better for you to arrange a day out (or in) with a friend.
BUT and this is a big but....I would not be happy leaving him alone to have free and unrestricted access to all your private/ personal stuff (letters, financial documents, laptop etc) or just generally nosing around to see what you''re up to.
Would not like that one bit myself.

How about having a friend or relative to be with you in the house too?
You then wouldn''t have to engage with him much, maybe just leave him and the kids on their own while you are in another room.
He could even take them out for a few hours too.
LW

  • maisymoos
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19 Apr 12 #324893 by maisymoos
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What a difficult situation, I can see how torn you must be in making a decision.

If you decide to let it happen you will need to make it very clear that this is a not a long term solution and it is a one off and that he really needs to consider longer term his own accommodation.

As left wondering says I wouldn''t trust my ex in my home for one minute, the whole contents would probably disappear! You need to think very carefully, you don''t want to regret this decision afterwards, you also need to think about the emotional impact this will have on you and your own wellbeing.

I can also see a danger that if the children like Daddy back in their home environment they may want it to continue happening! ("Its happened before, why not again Mummy?")long term this could cause more problems and stress for you.

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