For a month now I have blogged and posted, blogged and posted, and blogged and posted. I have felt the emotion pouring out of me. Then, two days ago, after I finally found out she has someone, there was an outpouring of extreme anger. Then things seemed to slow down. For a couple of days I''ve felt I have no emotion left to give. No tears left to cry. No anger left to eject. Don''t get me wrong, I''m not happy. I feel deeply wounded...but it''s like the eye of the storm has moved on. Hence, I''ve had less "in me" to write over the last two days.
I''m spending the weekend with my sister. My wife came back from London yesterday and will spend the weekend with our son at home. She does not know where I''ve gone. Just that I''ve gone. I miss my son already and this is an unpleasant taste of what I''ve got to come when I''m without him for some days each week.
I''m creating new worries to replace the old ones that I''ve almost worn out. What if she moves her new man in? I don''t want him around my son? I don''t even know him. What if they play happy families together? If she wants a family with him, why did she leave ours? Do exit affairs usually last? Or fizzle out? What the hell am I to do with MYSELF now? What should be my life path? It makes no sense...I see no logical reason for my existence...where has that gone?
These thoughts are a shift from the initial panic, denial, and self blame. In themselves they are not helpful. But they are different.
I find my wife ruthlessly cruel in these last few weeks. She steadfastly refuses to find temporary living space until her flat is available. She sees how this hurts me. She sees how it hurts me eve more when she continues to conduct her affair under my nose, moving from our house to his bed and back again...simply because it is easier. That hurts me more than she will ever know. When I tell her I really think she should move out she resorts to nasty tactics. "if all I can get is a crappy room in London then I''m taking our son to live there for 50% of the time...do you really want to make me do that." No I don''t. So I will continue to smile whilst I WATCH you live your new life under my nose...I find this so cruel and yet another example of her inability to think about how her actions might be experienced by another.
I start therapy on Tuesday. She is a good therapist and we get on well. I''ve seen her once before in my life. I hope that will help.
For some reason I hate the days and love the nights. At night, when it is bedtime...I feel ok again. I feel comforted by the darkness and the fact that I have the chance to shut down. Daylight brings living again and I''m not ready for that yet. I want to sleep til this is over.
What you are describing is normal, normal for those of us who have stood in your shoes.
Your therapy will be the first step in the right direction, someone you can talk to who is not there to be judge and jury, but to listen and help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.
The anger you express, you are entitled to feel that way, it is a natural part of the process. You just have to learn to control it and do not let it erupt as this could have lasting after effects. Control as many of your feelings in front of you STBX, she will only use any outpourings against you to justify her actions. Do not give her the satisfaction.
Please take time out to read ''Runaway Husbands'' by Vikki Stark, you can order it on Amazon. Although it has husbands in the title it does apply to wives also. Vikki encourages men who have caught their wives having an affair to take the time to read her experience and then how to process the information and how to deal with what has happened moving forward. Right now you are in the Tsunami of it all.
Enjoy your time away, even if you still have to return and face the music, so to speak, it will allow you the time to think of only yourself and your little one and how to best progress. Remember little steps, baby steps, one day at a time.
I know that we have many Wiki Men who are here, because they have similar stories to tell. Listen to their encouragement and seek their advice, they are testimony that you will survive this. I am sure that you will find jjones123 Blog''s a comfort. He has helped us all, even us women as adultery happens to both men and women alike and the pain that is felt is undeniably shocking.
Its awful being on the receiving end of someone that dont want you. Especially if you have apparently been wanted for many years. They just want you out the way now. Pronto. And want you to pay for the privilege. While they move on with their lives and leave you behind to sort all the wreckage out.
Men and women suffer the same in this respect. There is no advantage to being a women nor a man. We are both hurt and suffer the same.
But I think you are doing really well sam. I know its tough right now. But things will improve. But not until you get her out of yr life. Once she is gone, you cant start to pick yrself up and dust yrself off. C.