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  • samchik1
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22 Apr 12 #325685 by samchik1
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I''m nowhere near ready to date. The thought of it turns my stomach. Why? Because I''m still attached to my wife of course. So what use have I for dating sites you might ask? Well, I guess I''m throwing this out there to see what others think.

It''s very early days for me. My wife has not even moved out yet, is "commuting" between her other man''s bed and our family home until it is most comfortable for her to move out, is twisting the knife again and again. I''m not "ready" for dating...the word induces nausea. However, at times during this mess I''ve found my mind drawn to dating sites. It''s as though my mind wants to comfort itself and confirm that, should I ever want it, there are potential replacements out there (I know the word replacement shows why I''m not ready). So I sign up...to search...I look through the mass of desperate faces, hoping just one of them might make me feel better...like there''s life after death if you really need it. It''s a strange form of comfort I''m looking for.

Does it comfort me? Never. It makes me feel worse because it simply confirms to me that she is gone. It''s like I''m hoping she will pop up on the site...that there''s maybe another her. There isn''t. I feel horrified at the vast number of faces I see looking for validation, wanting someone to show them that they matter. Then I realise I''m just like they are. I spent nine years with my wife, managing to avoid such issues...now I''m in at the deep end.

Someone once said that when we die if we add up the nights and the days they balance each other out...we lived about as much in the day as the night. So it is with happiness and pain. I never appreciated it. But it''s true...we have to experience pain..it is part of the human condition.

  • yellowrose
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22 Apr 12 #325691 by yellowrose
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Hi Samchick
My heart bleeds for you. I know exactly how you feel. It''s as if by looking for someone else you can increase your feeling of self worth. That someone out there really wants you.
I did the same as you soon after my H walked out. I don''t know why because it did the opposite of what I wanted. I never met anyone. I have now - two people - but only only on a couple of occasions. As soon as they showed any sign of getting close I fled!
I don''t know why we have the ability to hurt each other so completely. I don''t know why our ex''s are so cruel.
I am so sorry she is still in your home. Can you not insist on her leaving? I would not have been able to do what you are doing.
Lots of hugs
YR

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22 Apr 12 #325693 by Shoegirl
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samchik wrote:

I''m nowhere near ready to date. The thought of it turns my stomach. Why? Because I''m still attached to my wife of course. So what use have I for dating sites you might ask? Well, I guess I''m throwing this out there to see what others think.

Ok most of us look early in in separation, I think it for me at least was trying to get some control over the situation I was in. Trying to find a way out of the hurt, thinking a relationship with another will take away the pain.

It''s very early days for me. My wife has not even moved out yet, is "commuting" between her other man''s bed and our family home until it is most comfortable for her to move out, is twisting the knife again and again. I''m not "ready" for dating...the word induces nausea. However, at times during this mess I''ve found my mind drawn to dating sites. It''s as though my mind wants to comfort itself and confirm that, should I ever want it, there are potential replacements out there (I know the word replacement shows why I''m not ready). So I sign up...to search...I look through the mass of desperate faces, hoping just one of them might make me feel better...like there''s life after death if you really need it. It''s a strange form of comfort I''m looking for.

You need to think carefully about replacing what you had. You can''t you know that it has gone. What your relationship was and wasn''t is no doubt something you will work through in therapy. I know 15 months on my understanding of my marriage and relationship is very different to what it was at first.

Do you really want the same relationship through? Don''t you deserve better? To get better, sometimes people make decisions to take a deliberate time out to understand themselves and confront the fear of being alone. I have done that since separation. I had a strong feeling that unless I really understood what had led me into a bad marriage, then there was a risk I would drift into another series of bad relationships not understanding what it was about me that meant that I got less than I deserved in a committed relationship.

I''m happier now than I have ever been in my life. I''m being serious. Because now I''m ok with who I am and what I want from my life, then alone is ok. It''s more than ok. I can take my time. I don''t want a relationship yet and I never thought I''d say that. I think it is true for me at least that I had to learn to love myself before i was ready to findlove again.

I don''t regard people on dating sites as desperate. I think they are just people who are interested in meeting new people. Bit like someone standing at a bar talking to the person next to them. The mechanic is different but surely people being proactive about changing things can only be good. I think it is because you are hurting that you see the world in this way.

Does it comfort me? Never. It makes me feel worse because it simply confirms to me that she is gone. It''s like I''m hoping she will pop up on the site...that there''s maybe another her. There isn''t. I feel horrified at the vast number of faces I see looking for validation, wanting someone to show them that they matter. Then I realise I''m just like they are. I spent nine years with my wife, managing to avoid such issues...now I''m in at the deep end.

Ok so you recognise you have avoided issues. That''s the problem, if you don''t deal with it they can come up and bite you on the ass. I think that we have to believe inside that we matter first, I don''t think any relationship can compensate for that. Surely what you describe is more about someone wanting to be rescued than an adult emotionally connected relationship. I think you deserve the latter Sam.


We have to come to our own rescue. No one else can make it better. You are doing all the right things. You want and deserve someone to treat you better than your wife. Why would you want another her?


Someone once said that when we die if we add up the nights and the days they balance each other out...we lived about as much in the day as the night. So it is with happiness and pain. I never appreciated it. But it''s true...we have to experience pain..it is part of the human condition.


Life is pain. Peck wrote a lot about this, but I guess you know that. It''s about how we deal with the pain that defines us as humans.You wont know this yet, but you are doing great. You have cracked through the denial about your wife and you have got away. It can take much longer.

You therapy will help. I put my heart and soul into mine and it has transformed my life beyond my wildest expectations, I''m happy alone and I am free .

I think you know the answer is not to be found on dating websites. At the end of the day,it is the relationship with ourselves that counts first and foremost. It''s not a matter of selfishness, more of a matter of self esteem. You will get there.

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22 Apr 12 #325697 by Boo2u21964
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I know its hard....but i try my hardest not to look too deeply into, feelings ,ideas I have, decisions I contemplate , anything!!! its such a rollercoaster ride!
just swap a few messages and dont take any of it too serious for now :)x

  • flowerofscotland
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22 Apr 12 #325710 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Samchik,

Remember you are still in shock and you are looking for an outlet to express all your feelings and emotions onto, as you realise now your wife does not have your interests are heart, so it would be far too easy to jump onto a dating site.

You have to stop thinking that the answers lie in another relationship so soon, this will just escalate your situation into another dimension. Think about this, I would imagine that any woman ''looking for love'' is going to run a mile when she realises that you have contacted her through a dating site, for all the wrong reasons. That would not be fair on any woman looking for a partner, you would not be being fair to them. You do not need another complication at this stage, what you need to do is stop and think, allow yourself the time to grieve, because that is what you are doing, grieving the end of your love relationship.

Shoegirl is right, M.Scott Peck speaks alot of pain and suffering, especially in relationships, it would do you no harm to take time out to read some of his work, this may help you on the road to recovery, because that is what it is....you have to endure this journey in order to come out a stronger and better man for it.

Your counselling will be a valuable part of your healing process and allow you to vent all your hurt, anger and frustrations to someone who is there to help you through a very difficult part of your life. In time you will feel better and when you are in a better place, then a dating site may be an option but not now, do yourself a favour, stay away from them.

Take care for now FoS x

  • jjones123
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22 Apr 12 #325799 by jjones123
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I have to say, that I did the same: go looking at those internet dating sites, weeks after I was ditched and alone. I dated really early on, and the lucky women (irony intended) I went out with were all canny enough to detect that I was an emotional car crash.

Here''s something that I''ve both figured out and have been told. The thing I''ve been told (and that I''ve internalised) is the truth that not everyone has it in themselves to either have or develop a relationship with another. The ''figuring thing out'' is that it shines through that you''re a thoroughly nice chap (as so many of us on this site are). So, just concentrate on you. The best relationship that you can ever have is with yourself.

On the subject of pain... I''ve heard it said that only true wisdom comes though pain. One of the weird things about this process, it''s like someone has turned the contrast knob on the TV right up: we end up seeing things that other people haven''t.

When we''ve all come out the other side, we''re all a catch - but only on our terms; with experience and wisdom comes empowerment.

Best,
JJ

  • leftwondering
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22 Apr 12 #325813 by leftwondering
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There is absolutely no way I could even consider going on an internet dating site at any time in the near future.

Thing is, when all this has passed, I''ll be of such an age that I''ll sign up and then forget what I signed up for! lol.

Samchik, hang in there man. You''re going miles ahead of yourself here IMO.

Dealing with the present is the main thing for the moment.

LW

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