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I''m nowhere near ready to date. The thought of it turns my stomach. Why? Because I''m still attached to my wife of course. So what use have I for dating sites you might ask? Well, I guess I''m throwing this out there to see what others think.
Ok most of us look early in in separation, I think it for me at least was trying to get some control over the situation I was in. Trying to find a way out of the hurt, thinking a relationship with another will take away the pain.
It''s very early days for me. My wife has not even moved out yet, is "commuting" between her other man''s bed and our family home until it is most comfortable for her to move out, is twisting the knife again and again. I''m not "ready" for dating...the word induces nausea. However, at times during this mess I''ve found my mind drawn to dating sites. It''s as though my mind wants to comfort itself and confirm that, should I ever want it, there are potential replacements out there (I know the word replacement shows why I''m not ready). So I sign up...to search...I look through the mass of desperate faces, hoping just one of them might make me feel better...like there''s life after death if you really need it. It''s a strange form of comfort I''m looking for.
You need to think carefully about replacing what you had. You can''t you know that it has gone. What your relationship was and wasn''t is no doubt something you will work through in therapy. I know 15 months on my understanding of my marriage and relationship is very different to what it was at first.
Do you really want the same relationship through? Don''t you deserve better? To get better, sometimes people make decisions to take a deliberate time out to understand themselves and confront the fear of being alone. I have done that since separation. I had a strong feeling that unless I really understood what had led me into a bad marriage, then there was a risk I would drift into another series of bad relationships not understanding what it was about me that meant that I got less than I deserved in a committed relationship.
I''m happier now than I have ever been in my life. I''m being serious. Because now I''m ok with who I am and what I want from my life, then alone is ok. It''s more than ok. I can take my time. I don''t want a relationship yet and I never thought I''d say that. I think it is true for me at least that I had to learn to love myself before i was ready to findlove again.
I don''t regard people on dating sites as desperate. I think they are just people who are interested in meeting new people. Bit like someone standing at a bar talking to the person next to them. The mechanic is different but surely people being proactive about changing things can only be good. I think it is because you are hurting that you see the world in this way.
Does it comfort me? Never. It makes me feel worse because it simply confirms to me that she is gone. It''s like I''m hoping she will pop up on the site...that there''s maybe another her. There isn''t. I feel horrified at the vast number of faces I see looking for validation, wanting someone to show them that they matter. Then I realise I''m just like they are. I spent nine years with my wife, managing to avoid such issues...now I''m in at the deep end.
Ok so you recognise you have avoided issues. That''s the problem, if you don''t deal with it they can come up and bite you on the ass. I think that we have to believe inside that we matter first, I don''t think any relationship can compensate for that. Surely what you describe is more about someone wanting to be rescued than an adult emotionally connected relationship. I think you deserve the latter Sam.
We have to come to our own rescue. No one else can make it better. You are doing all the right things. You want and deserve someone to treat you better than your wife. Why would you want another her?
Someone once said that when we die if we add up the nights and the days they balance each other out...we lived about as much in the day as the night. So it is with happiness and pain. I never appreciated it. But it''s true...we have to experience pain..it is part of the human condition.