Well...if I''ve ever lived a day with so many highs and lows before I cannot recall it. I really can''t. It''s almost funny...I''m actually laughing at it here...my life is bloody hilarious.
Woke up. She was preening herself...like you wouldn''t believe. She''s off to London for the night. She was saying that we will seriously consider giving it another go in a while, that she''s really not dating, nothing serious at all, this really isn''t about anyone else you know. She''s only going to the library today. Yeah right. Libraries are full of people resembling pole dancers aren''t they.
So she fecks off. I go to therapy after taking my son to nursery. First session. Learn a bit. Therapist is shocked at the extent to which I seem to be almost afraid to express my feelings of anger, betrayal, hatred, feeling used, and disrespected to my wife. Like I''m putting her feelings before my own...when I have a RIGHT to feel how I feel. She''s right. It''s what I''ve always done...feel like my feelings are an imposition. I feel enlightened.
I work. I get a phone call. It''s the nursery. "We just called your wife to say your son is quite ill...she can''t get back today (cos she''s too busy screwing) and said to call you." I cancel a lecture and get him.
I get a message from her. "I''m so sorry for what I am doing to you. You are a kind, sweet, amazing guy...you deserve better than a monster like me." Guilt.
I go home. My keylogger has been active all weekend. I check it out...sure enough, there it all is. Chats with friends...oh, you two look so good together...do we?...I really hope we will still be together when it''s your party...he''s perfect in every way...perfect.
Then I get the chance to judge for myself...the keylogger saves screen shots. He is staring right at me...with her smiling face in the corner of the screen. He''s...well...not what I had expected. She''s using our bed, our house, and my computer to conduct this relationship. She''s like a lovesick teenager. I boil over.
I text her in Russian..."Tell A......I said hi. Thanks for rushing back to collect your sick son. But then I appreciate you were very busy. You have turned your back on your family for a teenage romance that you conduct under my nose. If I ever hurt you - you have paid me back 1000 times...not sure what I did to deserve this treatment."
Feel better for that. She texts back. A barrage of crap. Trying to convince me that this has nothing to do with him...that she''s free...that she will do what she wants...that I should feck off. Bla bla bla. Desperate to offload the guilt onto me again...where it sits more comfortably.
I call my sister...for some reason I break down. I consider telling her to sling her hook tomorrow...whatever the fallout. I''m tired of being part of this "let''s allow her to leave feeling as good as possible about herself" game. Trouble with that game is that it is played at the expense of MY feelings. I''m tired of that...time my feelings occupied the foreground. I''m not gonna spend my time protecting her from feeling bad...spent my life trying to do that.
So...that''s my day. I used to think my life was a little bland...
Do yourself a favour and ditch the keylogger, its doing nothing to help you just bringing on more pain and tourture. You know what she''s up to let her feck off and get on with it. You don''t need to rant at her anymore, you don''t even need to listen to her anymore. What you need to do in a big way is begin to disconnect emotionally from her.
She doesn''t care jack about you or it appears your son, just assume that anything she says to you is BS. Tell her to sling her hook....
I think you do need to be careful here. What shes doing to you is dreadful and there are others on here who have had similar awful experiences - including the lying about it and trying to turn all the blame back on to the cheated one. But what you are putting yourself through with the additional info from the key logger and the fact that you continue to tolerate her in the house - I fear you are overloading yourself and theres only so much even the strongest person can take.
If you are going to let her stay until she leaves of her own accord and timing then fine, thats your choice no one should judge you. If you needed to find out the lies and expose the crap so you could give yourself ammunition to make a decision about kicking her out - again thats totally understandable given the way she has been playing things with you. But you seem to be doing both - where will this lead?
I dont know where her head is but not much good can come of the way shes conducting her choices - however you have a son to think of and from what you say his interests are not going to be served by going with her right now. I think you have to decide if you are going to go down with her or cut yourself loose from this spiral. Please think about the effect on your well being of staying in this situation.
I agree with those who are voting for ditching the key logger. I think it was important to know but now you know. This is hurting you more than you realise.
You need to focus on you not her. You cannot control her you can only control your reactions and what you do.
She''s going to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. You need to be the best man you can be. Take care of yourself and live a great life.
Don''t text her anymore. Don''t communicate. Only about your son. Keep all communication to business about your son only. Her life is CRAZY right now and it will drag you down too. I know this and have been there. I remember thinking at one point that my life had become like a soap opera and I could not make stuff like this up. Let it be her craziness and do your best to be sane and resolute.
Good luck man. You''re about ten months behind me and I''m feeling pretty good.