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What a feckin day

  • Marshy_
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25 Apr 12 #326423 by Marshy_
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samchik wrote:

So...that''s my day. I used to think my life was a little bland...

Not anymore is it?

But this is your divorce journey.

A lot of people are saying ditch the keylogger and some are saying keep it. I can see both sides of the argument. If it hurts to read it (I bet it does) then bin it. If you think you are drawn to reading it, then I would bin it. As we are drawn to things that hurt us in situations like this. But if it does not hurt you and you dont care if you read it or not, or if you feel that she could be stitching you up money wise, then I suppose you should keep it. Becuase information is power.

But the real problem here with this keylogger is that you are finding out things that in the normal course of events you would be blissfully unaware of. And, this may impact yr future as you cant unlearn something. And you will never forget the things you have learned via this keylogger. That may not be a good thing for yr future.

As for chucking her out, I wouldnt. I would let her leave of her own accord. And the reasons I say this are two fold. a), you could feel a lot of guilt as it could be seen that you were forcing her hand. And that may not ride right with you. b) and this is the most important reason is that she could be tempted to go for an interim maintence order (maintence pending suit).

But your dammed if you do and dammed if you dont.

In my case, I could have left a hell of a lot earlier if I wanted to. But I didnt. Part of me wishes that I had and part is glad that I didnt. But no matter how I look at it. It always comes back to the fact that I did the right thing in staying so long. It gave me a much better start. And sure it hurt like hell and I suffered a lot. But I was ready day 1 in my new life. And that at the time was very important. Sometimes you have to pay it forwards. In other words, suffer a bit now to gain something later.

But I cant tell you what todo. For that you have to go with yr instincts. But what I can tell you is try and avoid any rash decisions. Doing something knee jerk stylee often leads to a bad outcome. If you think it thru, then act, you have a much better chance of doing the right thing. But I understand in your current silly life situation, thats not always possible. Just do yr best. If you can do that, then you have done all that you can.

Lastly... Keep an eye on the fact that there is a life after this. What ever you do, protect this later life. But you are doing well. Despite what you think. C.

  • Dazed
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25 Apr 12 #326479 by Dazed
Reply from Dazed
Hi Samchick,

You''ve had loads of good advice but personally, even if you don''t ditch the keylogger - please try not to look at it.

I can tell you, hand on heart, that after the initial fall out - the only times I have ever got seriously upset about ex & the OW were those times where I saw stuff on fbook or found out things via mutual acquaintances or accessed my ex''s email account. It''s so so painful to keep reading/seeing (a) what they are up to & (b) that they are still lying.

As many here have said, you know she''s a liar who is protecting her own interests so that''s that.

I spent so long trying to catch my ex out in lies & even with the evidence in my hands, he still denied things. Actually it was only recently I told him that I had hacked into his email account & so the truth was out. He had the audacity to be annoyed with me for doing the hacking (although it was just anger that he had been truly busted) I just laughed!

I have now stopped looking on fbaook & have distanced myself from those who like to create drama by telling me things "I ought to know". I feel much happier not knowing what they are up to.

Please try to distance yourself from this madness. I took it for 2.5 years whilst he conducted his affair & tried to keep me "warm" in the background & it near enough finished me off. Once I created distance I felt a whole load better.

Please Sam - be strong & know distance is the only answer.

Dazed. x

  • Animus
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25 Apr 12 #326502 by Animus
Reply from Animus
Hey samchik,

Can I first say, no one deserves this treatment. Period. This is not your fault. I have no idea what has happened up to now, but it is her choice to behave badly, not something YOU have made happen. If you can, compartmentalise her in your head.

I have been in that place where I couldnt shake my anxiety and repeated negative thoughts, always feeling judged (and found lacking), not by my stbx, but in life in general. (yes him too, but yada yada yada...) If you haven''t already, get yourself to a doctor. Tell him/her your situation. How does he react? Does that feel comfortable for you? no? Find ANOTHER doctor who actually gives a shit. Then, if that dr thinks it will help, get yourself on anti depressants. It''ll help balance those highs and lows.

If you do, you will feel VERY wonky for a week, or more. You will not be able to drive (or at least I wasn''t, I had to cancel work for a week when I went on them and I was on the very lowest dose.) but then things will level out and enable you to manage everything that is being thrown at you.

If they aren''t doing that, get back to the dr. Demand a change of meds.

Be patient with yourself, be forgiving of yourself. Keep going to your therapist. Keep posting. I don''t know you, but I am genuinely sorry you are going through this.

  • Patrick1968
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25 Apr 12 #326547 by Patrick1968
Reply from Patrick1968
Keep the logger - forewarned is forearmed. She''s a liar expect more. What she''s done so far is formalic, your a great guy, theres no-one else its me..you find tere is..your a wa7ker, he''s great. Thats enough of a nightmare BUT you need to box clever because it will nuclear. Keep comms to a minimum start the divorce. Shes moved on already, your head knows this the heart doesn''t.

Where''s this pole dancing library...I er need to do some research on er pre raphilite art...

  • Nota
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25 Apr 12 #326563 by Nota
Reply from Nota
Hi Sam

Keep it. Knowledge is power, nowt wrong with that.
It did me a favour. The more I found out when I did see things, helped me despise him. Therefore knocking him off the pedestal I''d put him on.

However, it is your choice. This is your journey, no-one else''s. Do what will, at the end of the day, help you.

  • leftwondering
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25 Apr 12 #326573 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Yep Nota,

It''s the other side of the coin...

"I didn''t want to tell you the truth in case it hurt you"

"I didn''t want to know the truth in case it hurt me"

BS either way.

Keep it.


  • Fifi100
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25 Apr 12 #326587 by Fifi100
Reply from Fifi100
The one thing I can say is that above all make sure that you are OK. I guess only you will know if you can ditch the keylogger -and actually, in my personal opinion I think it is self administered torture. That said I''m pretty certain I would be reluctant to let it go if I had it right now too!

What action to take?

I think that establishing what I knew as fact (about our relationship)and what I wanted from a relationship was key. Once H left then I mourned what I had (apparently) lost but actually what I lost was not something positive. I had put a spin on what I had with H.

I, like you (appear to) -seem to have a mildly unrational level of tolerance with regards to being able to accept an inordinate amount of disloyalty before actually being pushed to a decision.

Keep posting -I know that for certain has helped me so much -a place to exhale is a gift indeed.

Good Luck -F

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