Decisions!

Spent last few years supporting and helping partner get through court for contact,ancillary and divorce. Real tough going but stayed the course and have had 6 months since Decree Absolute. Thought we would be ok to start thinking about our future instead of being in a stalemate with our future being a taboo subject. Been together a good while, still live apart, and just been told that partner is nowhere near even thinking about a future under the same roof. Partners ex still making presence known, kids involved so will be ongoing, partner says hasn''t settled yet. I know it''s early days from Absolute and it really was tough period. Do I hang in and see how is goes for another 6 months or do what my knee jerk reaction is telling me to and shut down and bolt! Just seems so s**t that support has always been there for partner and no sign of moving forward even at babystep pace.

I guess it depends on how patient you are , or prepared to be.

yes, its still very early days after the Absolute for him, and there are still a range of on-going issues that he has to deal with, perhaps the thought of living with someone again is just too much for him to contemplate at the moment?

A couple don''t need to live together to be committed to each other and the relationship, and for some living separably works better for them than living together would.

If he needs time, then you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to give him that - a couple can only move forwards together when they are both moving at the same pace, otherwise, if one is running while the other is walking, it''s going to be difficult.

Hi Nonymouse. Yr situation is very common. We meet someone that is divorcing, we become a lifeboat for them, see them thru there problems only to realise that there is nothing at the end of it and what has defined us is the divorce and not our future together.

And this from what you have said is where you are now.

But of course relationships are not supposed to be about anything other then the 2 people that are in it. But life is not like that. People have baggage. They have kids (usually) and ex''s (most of the time) so there is always some problem related to baggage to overcome.

I cant tell you what todo. Its yr life and yr relationship. But what may help you is if you ask yrself some basic questions.

* Can you see a future with this person?
* Will this person ever be able to let go of the past?
* Will his ex come between you and yr partner?
* Can you integrate and get acceptance from his family and the kids?

To be honest, as a minimum, you have to be able to answer yes to all the above. There is no way that you can have a relationship with 3 or more people in it. A relationship is designed for 2 people. And 3 is just a crowd. And it wont work. And you will always be frustrated.

You have to be accepted by the kids. If thats not there, then you cant be. As his kids have to come 1st. But you need to be part of there lives as well. Accepted. Not an outsider.

Lastly, you have the one life. This is not a read thru and there are no second chances with it. And you dont want to waste time. As time is the only thing that we have really that is worth anything and perhaps you would be better off investing that time in something that has a better chance to bear fruit. Not waiting around for something to happen that many never come off. Of course this will be a tough decision for you as you have invested so much already and you dont want to walk away. But sometimes you have to cut yr losses and think of the future perhaps with someone that doesnt have all these issues.

I am sorry to be so hard on you. Its a tough decision to make. But you get what you deserve in life. And do you deserve better than what you have right now? C.

* Can you see a future with this person?
* Will this person ever be able to let go of the past?
* Will his ex come between you and yr partner?
* Can you integrate and get acceptance from his family and the kids?

I can see a future with my partner but maybe on partners terms (to begin with)

I am sure partner will eventually let go as not holding on with both hands anymore just finger tips of one hand

Ex will try and come between us but wont succeed.

Already have total acceptance from partners family and particularly children as I have never put them anywhere except first.

Give it time. It sounds like you both have been through the mill and it just needs some time for all the dust to settle.

Enjoy what you have and wait and see what happens.

In my experience living with another adult isnt all its cracked up to be