The affair script

Hi,

I''m tearing my hair out here and just need to let off some steam...

Husband had an affair. Well, is still having one. He has been on the verge of leaving for OW for a Very Long Time - several months now. But he won''t make that final decision - gets very close (to the point of leaving for a few days to a proven neutral location) then backtracks.

I''m sick of the mind games and struggling to keep a hold on my perception of reality.

I''ve done lots of affair-related reading, and he has followed the script so far, e.g.
1) Retrospective blame on aspects of our marriage that I thought were okay and which he never complained about at the time.
2) "Deciding" to reconcile but doing sweet FA in terms of actions, whilst continuing to see OW.
3) Lies lies lies

I think he''s moving on to Act 4: Leave the wife, go to OW, try to keep the door open to come home if it doesn''t work out. I''m getting mindf**k comments like: "If I leave, it''s only irreversible if YOU want it to be".

I think he''s playing games and blame-shifting and trying to goad me into kicking him out so he doesn''t have to make the decision.

So far I have stubbornly refused to ask him to go. It''s not what I wanted, and not what I want for the kids (although I can now see that it''s probably best for me if he goes). It''s his mess, he can go through with it, he can make the decision to go, and live with the guilt (if indeed he is capable of feeling any). And from my point of view, the longer he prevaricates, the older my children get before I am forced to hand them over into the care of the OW.

Thanks for listening!

Classic, textbook traits riseandshine.

I made my wifes mind up for her, told her im signing the Absolute papers.

The thing was she never ever asked me not to, and that was at stage 5 - a single sided "reconciliation", after living with the OM - She never commited to "us"

Even though shes still in the same house as me, I feel loads better having made MY decision to sign the divorce, and living my own life.

Your living in a torturous life at the moment, you deserve a stress free life, and one with at least a little respect. It would seem only you can make that happen.

Your choice in reality is:- continue on as you are which is in limbo, stressing for what could be years to come, or you make a decision to get out.

Good luck with whatever you choose, neither choice is easy, but one of the choices will set you free xxx

Hi Riseandshine,

OMG - I have lived exactly this & in the end, I had to make the decision to go. By not making a decision - the ex made the decision if you see what I mean.

I won''t bore you with all the lurid details but ex promised to leave ow for the best part of 2 years - we went to counselling, we had date nights (nothing physical though - i wouldn''t have that), we discussed everything about our marriage, what we both wanted, where it had all gone wrong.... & still he saw OW.

We continued to cohabit, meals in, TV like nothing was up. He wrote me cards, we discussed the future, everything. We had set a point in time for him to leave her then he postponed it. I gave him a further 2 weeks & he just couldn''t do it - said he needed more time. He was confused, was nervous etc. I had just had enough so I then set about sorting the finances & buying a place of my own & subsequently moved out.

That was almost a year ago & we have now been apart for over 3 years. These mind games almost finished me off & he had me exactly where he wanted me back then.

The way I look at it is that he wanted to keep his options open until his hand was forced or something happened as a catalyst. Even his own mother said he was hedging his bets. In the end though, I just had enough & hard as it was, I left because if he couldn''t put his wife first, then he didn''t deserve me. He may have wanted me back but I removed that option for him.

Only you can stop this now - which is the irony when they had the affair & did the leaving. I know how tough it is but they will continue to take the p**s as long as we let them get away with it.

Dazed .x

Hi feel for you totally.....I am in the same position at the moment husband seeing other women denying it now lives in a flat in london during the week so he can have some space !! but comes home at the weekends which are now getting shorter and shorter were friday through monday now too tired so needs to go back sunday etc etc
You are not alone i dont really know what to suggest because i cant help myself....i have a lawyers appointment booked and a counsellor who is great but i am a breaking point as well i am just sick and tired of it all my scenario followed your pattern exactly i think my oh is forcing me to make the decision so that he can be the victim!!

Great post...resonates with me like you would not believe. I fell hook, line and sinker for the classic affair script shit.

It started with the classic biased post mortem of our marriage (which tore me to PIECES...I really blamed myself for everything...she convinced me it was all MY FAULT).

Then there were the tiny hints of possible reconciliation...to make her feel less guilty and more secure. Again, I played into her hands...lapped these up like she intended.

And the lies??? Well...I could not feckin believe the extent of them...was devastated by them.

Next phase? She moves out...to her own flat. But I have recently come to the conclusion (and I can''t believe how I did not see anything OTHER than this obvious conclusion) that my choice is either "play" and involve myself in these games or "not." I think the latter is in MY best interests, as the others have suggested. I''m telling my wife to get out by 1st May...regradless of whether she''s "sorted" by then or not. I''m tired of this now.

I''ve been where you are for about six weeks now...the world has been hell during that time and this is taking an enormous toll on my emotions...humans eventually break and you need to ask yourself how long you can keep up this level of stress/conflict without completely imploding.

The way I see it...you continue like this and you flip flop between worlds of hope, shattered hope, guilt and self-blame, anger, and despair. You flip flop between these states partly because of HIM and HIS PRESENCE...he says things to move you into certain mind sets...he does things...you watch him, interpret his actions and words. Take him out of the equation and you will still feel all of these things...but his role in provoking them and dictating them will eventually subside and they can "settle" with time (as they will naturally and inevitably do). That''s my reason for wanting my wife OUT....that and the fact that she has turned into a complete B*&*tch, a wh&^e, and a heartless cow.

I would just tell him to leave. Pack his things and tell them he can collect them from the door step or wherever. U have put up with enough. And enough is enough. What you are experiencing is the same as a lot of people that are vic''s of cheaters. It was exactly the same with my ex. Lies, blame and keep you dangling on a bit of string. Cruel, yes.

He will blame you anyway. If he leaves of his own accord or you shove him. So you dont have a lot to lose really. Good riddance to bad rubbish. C.

It all sounds so familiar. My only advice is do what feels right for you. I didn''t throw my b.....d of s husband out, he walked out in the middle of the night without telling me. I have been to hell and often go back there now but I can honestly look back and say I did everythign and he didn''t even try. My friends know the truth as do my adult kids. You can never remove that truth from the equation no matter what delusions he is under.
I can live with myself come what may. In time he may not be able to.