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The affair script

  • donkler
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27 Apr 12 #326792 by donkler
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I cannot stop reading through this thread.

It is truly astonishing that these stories are almost exactly the same as one another.
They say the same lies, continue on seeing the third party, keep their spouse on the end of a piece of string.

It all boils down AGAIN to your other halfs actions, its been said time and time again

"Look at their actions, and ignore the words"

At the end of the day if our other halfs wanted us in their lives, they would move heaven and earth do achieve it - NOTHING would stop them!
Sadly it appears they hardly ever do, and when that sinks into our heads (and it can take a long long time) then it is time to take control of your life and make yourself happy, because as sure as hell they wont.

Very painful, hurtful process.

  • nurse001
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27 Apr 12 #326826 by nurse001
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OMG - I''ve just read through these, too....I''m in EXACTLY the same position :(

Married for over 20 years, two kids.

He had a ''texting / FB'' affair for ages and we''ve been on & off for the past 2 years. Left me and came back 5 times, still in contact with a foul woman who he would NEVER have looked at before. Finally left after Xmas & moved in to a flat but came to me 6 weeks ago wanting me back again.

BUT his actions never matched his words....no texts / calls / flowers / affection - nothing, unless it was initiated by me.

SO - I''ve called it a day. Going ''cold turkey'', taking charge of my finances etc.

BUT - it hurts like hell, memories flooding back and everything reminds me of him. I''m so tempted to pick up the phone & beg him to come back, but I''m not going to. Not this time.

I know he''s in a great position of doing what he likes with me as ''fall-back guy''.
I''m surprised that he hasn''t picked up the phone, too - but that really shows me that he''s really rather relieved that I''ve taken the decision out of his hands.

I just hope this gets better soon :-(

  • Dazed
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27 Apr 12 #326834 by Dazed
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Hi Nurse,

It will get better, over time. In my case, even though it hurt me hugely to say "enough" & I doubted whether I had the strength many many times, I have realised that partly it was about fear. Not only had I lost my spouse, partner & had my future whipped away from me, I wondered how on earth I was going to manage alone. This included taking control of finances which I had never really done as ex did all of that stuff.

As it turned out, I didn''t give myself enough credit & am so far doing just fine. It''s a struggle sometimes but when I shut my own front door in the evening & look around me at what I have managed to create - I feel proud, empowered and peaceful.

It would have been easy in many ways to just have my ex back & try to get back to how things were in the beginning, but I am honestly really glad I didn''t now because it would have just been more of the same & my confidence would have been so totally eroded to the point that I would have felt I didn''t deserve better.

However - I did - and you do too. The whole point about love is that you put the other person first - I would bet a great many of us on this site did exactly that (to our detriment no doubt) but we did it because of love & commitment. Our ex''s didn''t, we eventually saw the light and it is now totally & completely their loss.

Chin up Nurse - I promise things do get better.

Dazed x

  • JanMK16
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27 Apr 12 #326836 by JanMK16
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It''s amazing - all the similar patterns and experiences. I have been separated now for 2 months and threw my STBX out at long last. I forgave one of his indiscretions in September, took him back only for him to break my trust a second time in November. All the time he lied that he never had an affair and it was just an infatuation! I asked him to tell me the truth no matter how much it might hurt me but he still maintained his stance that nothing had happened! I still offered to take him back, believing that a marriage of nearly 18 years is worth fighting for and subsequently believed all the "standard" words etc. Actions do speak louder than words. I also sensed in January that he just wasn''t trying. You get a gutfeel for this. I have since found out this "infatuation" has been going on for some 2 1/2 years and still continued throughout our "reconciliations". Discovered his old mobile phone two weekends ago and uncovered the sordid text messages. He deleted them in the sent and inboxes but these were also stored in the delivery reports which he completely forgot about. I also saw his mobile phone bills and the calls and texts he made to the OW. The amount of traffic is unbelievable! Also discovered a pornographic video clip on his old phone as well of the OW which made me feel physically sick.

I thought I was progressing well until I uncovered all this crap. But at least I know the truth now which I never ever was going to get from him. I feel used, stupid and humiliated but know these feelings will go as this situation was not caused by me and therefore there was absolutely nothing I could have done to avoid this - only possibly throwing him out sooner!

I take each day as it comes but overall I feel a sense of relief and peace within me, and look forward to what life has in store for me.

Oddly enough he is filing for divorce on the grounds of my UB!

Everybody - keep your spirits up. There are also a lot of self-help books out there as well which also confirm the emotions you have to go through to get to the other side.

I know exactly how you all feel.

Hugs xxx

  • soulruler
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27 Apr 12 #326847 by soulruler
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The whole phone thing makes me laugh (now) as my husband had a mobile phone which was registered in my name on the net.

Used to get phone bills off the net (was a business phone) and never thought anything of it as I was only a summary (so he didn''t think about it either).

Anyhow one day about 4 months after his affair had started and I was on the net downloading the invoice I realised that I could go in and have a look at detailed accounts.

Oh well he started the affair literally overnight one day and so did the texts and phone calls running day and night, when I questioned him on having an affair he still denied it and said it was just a good friendship.

  • flowerofscotland
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27 Apr 12 #326891 by flowerofscotland
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Yeah mobile phones, we just can not live without them!! Or more to the point dead people can''t....

I remember during my Poirot days, that my STBX had a continual string of text messages from a retired work colleague, who had sadly a few years previous, passed away and was currently six foot under...

My STBX forgot that I was aware of his once friends passing, that when I asked after his welfare, he replied he was doing just fine!

Little did he know that when I went in to check the mobile number that was hidden behind the alias of this deceased person, it was the OW.....

Ohh well there is a use for mobile phones in the after life!!!!

Take care for now FoS x

  • pinkminx
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27 Apr 12 #326901 by pinkminx
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I know how you must feel because I thought my heart was going to rip in two when i found out my husband was seeing another woman. We tried to repair our marriage but I sensed he wasn''t committed and found out he was still seeing her.

It''s been 7 months since he moved out and 4 months since I told him that I deserved better than to have my emotions in turmoil. In those 4 months my life has changed and I can see the wood for the trees. I have learned to love myself again, to smile and laugh and realised that our marriage might have failed but I still have a life with hopes and dreams that, ok, I planned to share with him but they are still mine and I will take them into the future on my own.

Good luck

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