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The affair script

  • Regeneration
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26 Apr 12 #326720 by Regeneration
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Hi RiseandShine.

I too lived ‘The affair script’ for a long while before my STBX left, which was soon after her fella’s marriage broke up.

Unsurprisingly, point 5 in the script (they break up) and point 6 (She wants to come back) occurred within 7 months of her leaving.

But like you, splitting up our marriage was actually the last thing that I wanted.
Finally, and as a result of realising that my minor health problems of high blood pressure etc were as a result of the stress of the situation, I made my stand of saying that:
A: I wasn’t going to be plan ‘B’ (ie if plan A failed - don''t fall back on me)
B: I was worth more than the way she was treating me.
C: I had absolutely no intention of walking out or leaving the family & home ever.

I don’t think this made any difference to her plans but it really made me feel better and kind of in charge of my own destiny.

Looking back now, in some respects staying together was actually better for the kids as they were all pretty independent by the time we split. (Ex and I did – and still do get on ok and once they became aware of the situation I was able to talk quite openly to the kids. (They were all late teenagers at the time) Financially it really made a huge difference (2 at Uni) and although things for me are not easy now, it would have been impossible for me to stay in the FMH with kids as I have been able to do.

Take care & keep strong.


  • raybird
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26 Apr 12 #326726 by raybird
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completley relate to points 1,2 and 3, do what you feel is for the best for you , take care xxxxxx

  • Canuck425
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26 Apr 12 #326728 by Canuck425
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Ah yes, the affair script. So many of us have lived it. Unfortunately it is soooo predictable. Their anger, blame, craziness - it is a bit mind boggling.

My advice, take care of yourself first. It is crazy right now. I know. But also know that it''s his life that is crazy, not yours. This will drag you down if you let it. For a long time.

Get some control and sanity back in your life. Make sure that your actions are congruent with your values and the woman you want to be. Stand up for yourself.

Loads of people have come before you. I''m 11 months in and mostly doing ok. The first few months were CRAZY. Now it''s just a little nutty.

Take care!

  • flowerofscotland
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27 Apr 12 #326760 by flowerofscotland
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Hi riseandshine,

It is an Absolute classic to keep you as their ''fall back guy'' so to speak....keep their options open and the fire still burning.

He is like so many others who try to have their cakes and eat them too. Well this is where you have to be strong. No, nobody gets married and brings children into this world dreaming that their other halves would s7it on them from the highest height, but it happens, here there and everywhere.

You have to find the strength to take this playing of his games out of his hands, do not give him the satisfaction of using and abusing you in any way shape or form. All he will do is to try and convince the world that by re-writing history, his adultery is justified.

Dig deep, find an inner strength that even you did not know you possessed and kick him as far as you can into the next galaxy, as far away from those he is hurting as possible. You and your children deserve to be treated with love, affection, trust, honesty, dignity but most of all respect. Do not let this low life who seems to think that the world revolves around him and him alone, be the definition of you. Stand up and be counted and get rid of someone who does not deserve to have anything other that what he really deserves.

Walk away before you live to regret it, you will become so much stronger and wiser for it.

Take care for now FoS x

  • freefalling
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27 Apr 12 #326761 by freefalling
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I can''t believe that so many people have to endure such pain in life due to their partners being such gutless wonders! Mine included. My stbx like yours, followed the ''affair'' script up to point 3 and then I kicked him to the kerb. No. 4 for me was/is take care of me and don''t look back!

I''ve learnt the hard way and that is that WE ultimately choose how we want others to treat us. If I had''ve allowed him to stay, I would''ve sent him a message saying that it was o.k for him to continue treating me like shit and that I had NO respect for myself. I did the right thing for me in the end. I like you fought damn hard to save my marriage but he didn''t. He only worked at satisfying his own needs. Finding out about his affairs was the straw that broke the camel''s back and gave me the push I needed to end the marriage.

He his treating you as a doormat just as mine did me. So if his little dalliance doesn''t pan out, are you going to be his soft place to fall? Remember, only if you let him!

You deserve so much more but in the end it is your decision to make. This is a soul destroying road as it is and it won''t be any easier in terms of your living arrangements. My heart goes out to you. Take carex

  • riseandshine
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27 Apr 12 #326782 by riseandshine
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Thanks everyone for your support. It''s horrible to know that so many people have had to go through similar, but in a way I''m relieved I''m not alone, and I''m glad that many of you have come out the other side and are okay.

They really have no idea how it feels, do they...

Lots of your comments rang very true, e.g.
"She never commited to "us""
"These mind games almost finished me off"
"i think my oh is forcing me to make the decision so that he can be the victim!! "
"he says things to move you into certain mind sets..."
"splitting up our marriage was actually the last thing that I wanted"
"nobody gets married and brings children into this world dreaming that their other halves would s7it on them from the highest height"

I feel a bit better today. Trying to gather my inner strength. This has gone on for so long that I feel I''ve already done a lot of grieving for the couple-relationship we had. But I don''t feel ready to grieve the family unit yet. I''m not ready to blow apart my daughter''s world. I''m not ready to hand over my kids on a plate to OW, which is what it feels like I would be doing if I moved matters on myself. Yet my head knows that you are all correct - I can''t live in limbo forever.

  • Crumpled
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27 Apr 12 #326787 by Crumpled
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Hi rise and shine I am in exactly the same place as you...........dont quite want to go there yet

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