I''ve looked through divorce/marriage sites and all the time I see...
"Maybe I didn''t do enough/ helped enough/ was THERE enough".
"Maybe I should have spent less time on the computer or games/ or working late/ or playing football/ or out with my friends....etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....
I am coming to the conclusion that it is ALL BS!
I know some guys who are always up at the pub, never help with housework or the kids...
and their wives ADORE them!
The reason why your partner leaves you is because, simply THEY DON''T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!
Plain and simple.
Nothing you can do about it or could have done about it.
That''s the kind of people they are.
It was THEIR decicion to get involved with YOU as much as you to get involved with THEM.
They don''t know what the F they want...
They simply changed their minds and it was F all about anything YOU did.
Remember the person at school whom you didn''t fancy, writing you love notes or trying to attract your attention in the school playground while all the time you were hating it?
That is what you are like to them now.
Just a nuisance.
Remember though that they are NO BETTER THAN YOU and in fact are WEAKER and have LESS COMMITMENT AND PRINICIPLES than you and are "pleasure butterflies" who can''t face the reality of buckling down to the fact that they are married and now have a family and now have to behave responsibly as a family unit.
These are weak individuals IMO, who managed to con us into commiting our lives to them because they were needy at the time and we thought they were sincere.
Let these bast*rds live out the rest of their lives in a horrible relationship they cannot get out of due to age/finances, or a lonely bedsit thinking they still have a bit of an eye for the Ladies or a wink for the Men...
Prostitutes at least have the decency and intelligence to charge for their services, unlike these waywards we were once so close to.
In short.....F*ck them and leave them to their fantasies.
LW...I feel your anger in that post...and I understand it wholeheartedly. I feel it too.
I think what you say is right. The "should haves" or "could haves" are present in any relationship...some people love despite them...some move on because of them. I''m not religious - but there''s a passage in the bible that reads...
"Genuine love does not keep a list of wrongs suffered or of the weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings of others."
I feel a little like my wife has handed me a list of my shortcomings:
(a) You did not satisfy in bed
(b) You did not do enough housework
(c) You did not think about cleaning in the same way I do
(d) You sometimes slept with no pillowcase on your pillow (wtf?)
(e) You did not hang your towel in the bathroom in the way I would have liked
(f) You moaned if you had to pick me up from the station at 9.30 at night
(g) You got depressed and withdrew
And many, many more.
It feels like these short comings are the reason she is leaving me...and my natural reaction is to chastise myself for not doing all of these things in the way she wanted.
HOWEVER...I have a list too. I could write an equally long list about things she has done that I did not like.
These lists will exist in every relationship and I think you are right when you say they are not the real reason for splits. They may well reflect the fact that we are LOOKING for a reason...they are all we can find.
Problem is, they leave the dumpee beating themselves senseless and plagued with guilt and self-loathing (in my case!).
Yes, it does feel like they got what they needed at the time and then moved on when they needed a different kind of pleasure. Maybe that''s the lesson...people are inherently selfish bast%^rds...like all creatures.
Now that''s more like it, some real anger
But like you say f**kem....
Rule No1 is don''t ask why, you''ll just get a load of BS that has no fact.
@Sam I like the "You didn''t hang he towel up how I liked", I got the equally baffling "You did the washing up the wrong way"
Now do you honestly think if you had hung the towel up ''properly'' it would have made a difference....Not a chance in hell, its all BS.
We''ve all got to get to the point of understanding that the past is the past and that relationship is gone, nothing is going to change that. Its not even worth asking why because the next relationship you will have is with someone new, who will have different views and values.
LW''s on the money and the sweet thing is ''we feel like it was us, it was our fault''. And he''s right it is them but guess what? In the scheme of things they don''t give a toss and in the end unless you believe in God or something they will answer to no-one. Their lives will I expect be better than yours as they''re with someone they care about (for now)So don''t forgive and forget the only sh8t they will get will be from you...consider yourself an avenging Angel..think Charles Bronson in Death Wish or maybe even Batman..give to them both barrels and when you''ve done that give ''em a dig as well.
ooooops - sorry all - I''m about to make myself very unpopular.
I did adore my ex, but we never spent quality time together, he was always down the pub with his mates, if i wanted to spend time with him, thats where i''d have to go.
I asked and begged him to do something just us two, but somehow one or more of his mates tagged along ........... and there was always a pub involved, I was the chauffeur.
I knew what he was like when we married, so it is my fault.
It ground me down in the end, lost my self esteem, felt totally unwanted and un-attractive.
Conversely I knew women who I would describe as ''High Maintenance'' (who''s husbands adored them) b*ll*king their hubby because he didn''t hoover under the sofa, didn''t squeegy the shower, demanding jewelry, weekends away, meals out, designer watches and handbags for birthday/Christmas pressies and those red sole shoes I don''t know who but fancy designer. And there was me, didn''t ask for or want anything, ANYTHING except a bit of quality time.
Don''t think its BS - just think I had different expectations maybe and thought I may feature higher on the priority list than: Beer, the pub, his mates, football, TV, etc.
Lesson learned though, my new chap actually enjoys spending time with me (OMG!) who''d have thought