Pain from investing yourself emotionally

Here''s the thing,
I have been bringing up my girls alone for nearly three years since their father checked out, although he had checked out of our marriage, and to be fair, so had I a long time before that. I was relieved when he left and began to feel that I had a chance to make a new life, a better life for myself and my girls. I didn''t want to be the sole parent but was aware that their father would have great difficulty maintaining a relationship with them without me to guide him.
Around the time he left I met a wonderful man who offered me the kind of gentle support and friendship I needed aswell as making it clear that he was attracted to me. When I look back I recall the thrill I felt at realising that I had qualities that men liked and that I could feel so good about myself again. This man became very important in my life and although he was in and out of it and had some serious relationship issues I always felt good and happy around him. He did hurt me very badly though, several times as each time I let him back into my life but he returned to his long term g/f. About a year ago I finally realised that it was over and began to invest in a new relationship. But I let him back in once again and he dropped me this time for a very great height.
Three years on, and several failed relationships later (which failed one way or another because of him)I am still hurting from the end of this relationship, and I think even more so this time as he had promised me that he was ready to move on and commit to me and yet he let me down so very brutally. I struggle because I had invested alot of emotion into this person and believed for a long time that one way or another we were meant to be together. He threw me away so carelessly when she came back and although it''s been a few months now the thought of it still brings me to tears and makes me feel so hurt and desperately sad that I set myself to be hurt. I feel damaged and needy. My husband was always emotionally unavailable I was often treated very badly and abused so getting out of that relationship was necessary for me and my girls.
I am now on AD''s again and am receiveing counselling and have to deal with the fallout with my girls from the loss of a relationship with their father and the abuse that they witnessed and suffered during our marriage.
My worries stem from feeling so fragile and alone and weakened from being cast aside yet again. I am angry too that this man picked up his old life with relative ease and now appears to be happy and I am left feeling used and played. I guess my self esteem has been shot to pieces and I can''t help thinking that that''s my lot in life!

Hi PG.

ponygal44 wrote:

I guess my self esteem has been shot to pieces and I can''t help thinking that that''s my lot in life!

No. Yr wrong. Thats not yr lot at all.

A relationship is a leap of faith. You can do all the checking out. Interviewing the ex, talking to the friends and download the file on them from MI5 and it may still end. For no reason that you can fathom. I have heard it say that for every 10 relationships you start, 8 wont work. But 2 will. Thats the old 80/20 rule.

Some people are 0wn3d by someone else. And when this other person snaps their fingers, they come running. I suspect that this is what happened to yr partner. She had him in the palm of her hand. He knew what was best for him (you) but she had him. You never did.

But what should the above mean to you? I think it means that he is weak. And perhaps does not deserve to be with you. Ok this is no consolation to you I know. As he badly let you down and this would have knocked yr confidence.

Lastly, being needy is not the best state to be in to start a relationship. Also, someone showing interest in you is also not a good precursor for a relationship. Perhaps you were not in a good head place yrself when this person came onto you and you fell for something that in normal cercs you wouldnt have? Dunno, boomshakala.

But what todo? I think you should just hide away and lick yr wounds. There is nothing wrong with you. You dont have a sign written on yr head saying abuse me and use me. A relationship has just not clicked into place for you. Thats all. But you have to be ready for a relationship. As they are a bit of a battle ground and you have to be strong enough to just end it if you need to. And yr not right now. But you will feel better in a while and be ready to get back in that sadle and start again. So pick yrself up. Dust yrself off Sister. C.

A few things struck me with your post.

each time I let him back into my life but he returned to his long term g/f.

I think you need to figure out why you did this. Why did you allow him back in? Why did you allow yourself to be treated badly? Why did you treat yourself with so little respect? To me I think the thing to dig deeper on is how you treat yourself. How do you take care of yourself? How much respect do you have for yourself?

believed for a long time that one way or another we were meant to be together.

This line of thinking always bugs me. There are SO many good men out there (really, believe me) that when it was apparent that this one was emotionally unavailable why not just say "next". This one wasn''t worth your time, your energy, your love. He also wasn''t really available.

It''s not all bad though. What have you learned? How will you proceed? Who are you now?

As Marshy said - dust yourself off. Take some time to feel sad about what you''ve lost. Then proceed to make your life great. The future is not yet written and you have a lot of say in what happens.

There is some really good advice on this post.

It is really good that you can see that you allowed this to happen to you. Nothing you did would have changed the outcome, you are a good person who put faith in the person you loved.

You knew this faith was was misplaced but maybe fear of being alone or loyalty or some other reason made you stick with itagainst your better judgement.

You don''t need a lecture you need a medal for bravery in sticking with this man. It''s not your lot in life to be hurt and betrayed. Learning to live alone happily gives strength to leave poor relationships in the future.

You know already that your self esteem needs a boost and the steps you have taken already will help in timeI think we abandon ourselves most of all in these relationships with emotionally unavailable people.

You will be ok