So...I''m back from my Mum''s place with my son. Had a weekend full of the usual, suicidal thoughts, depression, gut wrenching pain, and the rest.
My wife''s behavior is messing with me a bit. I''m not sure where her head is at. We talked over the weekend when she wanted to speak to our son. She said there is a small part of her that wants us to work out again...and she even suggested we meet on 14th May (after being truly apart for a week) to discuss "us."
Then I come home yesterday. She''s cold and very standoffish. I guess I thought she was "coming round" - she wasn''t. I find out she really likes the OM and so I ask what she''s thinking about when she suggests we meet to talk about us? How can she want that if she wants him? I don''t get it...she doesn''t either. Later says her head is just a mindfeck right now...no shit.
So...I give up hope. I see no chance. I go to my second therapy session today. The main "lesson" of the day seems to be:
I have some sort of belief (in all of my relationships) that the very purpose of the relationship is for me to meet all of the needs of the other person...no matter what the cost to myself. That means I try to morph myself into whatever I have to be to "please" the other person...I always fail...it can''t be done. When I fail I blame myself and see myself as inadequate...a poor husband. I need to learn I can''t be all things to all people and I can''t meet all of the needs of my partner...if I try to it will ALWAYS be at the expense of myself.
So...the upshot of that is that I begin to appreciate that I can give myself a break here. So I didn''t always make her feel like a princess...didn''t read her mind in bed...didn''t think how she thinks? So what?
Then I go to work...on a post-therapy crest of acceptance and insight (always temporary). Wife calls when I''m at work...she has signed her contract today and her flat is ready. She says she feels sad and wants to talk to me...she''s "fishing" wants me to say I''m still here if she needs me I feel. She is swinging back and forth...I appreciate the need to live "as though she were dead" here. I think it is my only shot at moving forward. Problem is, my dead wife wouldn''t call when she feels sad and needs my moral support/guidance?
I''m home with our son now. She comes back late. Today my emotion is less intense...I feel like I''m letting go a little tiny bit...until tomorrow
Shes playing with you. For sure she wouldn''t have signed a contract for a flat if she wasn''t excited at the thought of a life without you.
But.........she is uncertain whether this new life she wants will work and she certainly doesnt want to be alone, so she is dangling a carrot for as long as it takes to feel secure in her new life. And if it all goes tits up - she can go running back to you. And if that happens, believe me she will do it again. She will have lost all respect for you and tbh who wants to be with someone they have no respect for????
So, tell her to sling her hook - tell her you wish her all the luck in the world, but tell you WILL NOT be waiting when her new world crumbles.
Yeah it will be hard, but gotta be done, to keep some self esteem for yourself and you boy.
So at best she wants to be with you a bit, sometimes, maybe. One minute she wants to talk, the next she is standoffish.
Sorry to go on like a broken record, but all the time you engage, you are giving her an opportunity to manipulate you. She is not interested in your feelings or emotions. She wants a back up plan.
Don''t thnk she will come around or this is something that will go away. It won''t. She is who she is and as much as you want her to see the light or have insight into her behaviour, this will change little.
As for the guidance etc, well only you can decide whether you want to be a lifeboat for her whilst she establishes a nice new life then decides she does not need you anymore.
As soon as I stopped listening to my Stbx madness, it stopped me feeling worse. No more salt in open wounds. You won''t make sense of her behaviour, basically because it is based on manipulation it is not authentic. Possibly best to stop trying, let her move out nd do your best to focus on you and your son
she s made her decision to leave, now your her back up plan if it goes wrong, dont listen, let her get on with it, its her problem now not yours, stay strong and take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I''ve read a few of your posts and really felt for you. What I have noticed is that you have received so so much support from wonderful Wikis. Have you taken it on board? No! Well some of it Do we blame you? No!
Ok ... Your wife is moving out this weekend. Let''s have a get together. I am a busy lady, but all Wikis who are free for 1 day over this weekend (long bank holiday). Let''s get together and give Sam the support. I''m in Chigwell Essex but happy to travel.
Anyone fancy it?
I have some sort of belief (in all of my relationships) that the very purpose of the relationship is for me to meet all of the needs of the other person...no matter what the cost to myself.
I could not tell if you understand just how wrong you are in this. I also believed this to be true but I was so wrong. I think the best relationships are those where each person is looking after their own interests while also fostering great communication and having their partner''s back.
Your wife is very confused. She has no idea what she wants and probably is very unsure of what she has done. Let her go and do not engage her. Let her go. Focus on yourself and do the work that needs to be done to heal.
Start working on living that great life that is out there for you. In six-twelve months your life is going to be on a different trajectory but you need to be a full participant. It won''t just happen.
I still put it at 50/50 that once you''re doing well that she comes back and wants you. Think about that. What will you do?
You deserve better, that''s obvious. Will you commit to yourself to ensure this happens?