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Nearing her moving out date...

  • Lostboy67
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01 May 12 #327817 by Lostboy67
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Hi Sam
To be honest it sounds like she is trying to keep you on the backburner for when her wonderful new life doesn''t turn out so wonderful as it is planned.
I know where you are coming from, you cling to that hope that you can work it out, but realistically even if she does come back and you take her it will be a fleeting thing until the next time she sees an opportunity.
There are many wikipeeps who have been the ''victim'' (don''t like the description) and have had a series of trying again until the next episode of cheating. It would be easy to say get a grip and get rid, but its not that easy, we all make a commitment through marriage and some of us are intent on keeping that promise. But its a mutual promise based on trust, she has betrayed that trust so you owe her no second chance....nothing.
Try to stop thinging about her so much (difficult I know) but spend some time thinging about you and your boy and the future the two of you can have.

Take care
LB

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02 May 12 #327837 by hawaythelads
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Sam
You want to listen and act on that therapy.
I told you.You wanted to be the knight in shining armour.
Your kid doesn''t go to school pack up some stuff and take him Butlins for the week.
Let her move out on her own and have to deal with her own shxt and the practicalities that entails.
You shouldn''t be putting the kid through the stress of this next week of your now dysfunctional and now defunct relationship.
Try focusing on him and putting him first with your people pleaser personality rather than sucking up to some emotion vampire that''s sucked you dry and is banging a ukranian bloke.
That''s what u should be doing.
All the best
Pete

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02 May 12 #327845 by donkler
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I interpret your message as follows, in cheaters and liars language.

"My wife''s behavior is messing with me a bit. I''m not sure where her head is at"

She''s sure mate, she knows exactly where her head is. I had "My heads messed up" but in reality they have a clear way forward - but keep you tepid in case they want to return.

"She said there is a small part of her that wants us to work out again"

Yeah yeah, only if her new bloke turns out to be a tos**r and whilst she looks for another new bloke

"Then I come home yesterday. She''s cold and very standoffish. I guess I thought she was "coming round""

Yep I had this, my STBX came back, and looking back at it, I asked her "Do you want to come back?" her reply was a very lame "I think so" and when she did come back, I got no commitment, she wouldntt even wear her wedding ring, standofish, I had to go to her for a kiss she would never come to me!----ACTIONS MATE!

"Later says her head is just a mindfeck right now...no shit."

Trust me its not....she knows exactly what she wants and where she wants you.

"She has signed her contract today"

Says it all mate

Let her go, concentrate on you and your son, and soon you will feel better.

  • freefalling
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02 May 12 #327846 by freefalling
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The definition of RESPECT:
"a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways,the state of being honoured "

Does she respect you? Her actions clearly prove that she doesn''t. You need to show yourself some respect because she isn''t. She has an agenda and I think your smart enough to know that. Your her soft place to land if you let it be. Ultimately, you are responsible for the way she continues to treat you. That much you have control over.

Everyone else is right, start worrying about your needs, your feelings, your emotional and financial well being and what your son needs right now. Take care and stay strong.

  • Marshy_
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02 May 12 #327849 by Marshy_
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Hi Sam.

samchik wrote:

I have some sort of belief (in all of my relationships) that the very purpose of the relationship is for me to meet all of the needs of the other person...no matter what the cost to myself.


Life is about give and take. No one can just give. And no one should take. If they do, the relationship ends up very one sided.

Imagine if you paid for a rail ticket, went upto the platform and there were no trains. The ticket inspectors are stood at the end of the platform laughing at you. You would feel robbed. Yr needs were not met. This is how it is when you give something to get something. Keep doing this and not get yr needs met and you will be well and truly pi**ed off. And not having yr needs met will eat away at you like acid.

A relationship is a bit like a bring a bottle party or an works party where everyone brings something. Someone will make the cheese rolls. Someone will bring some drink and a flan or some cake. Everyone brings something and you all have a good time. This is a nice and balanced situation. And it works because everyone contributes. This is how a relationship should be. Its a party where everyone does something for someone else.

When a relationship is right it just works because the two people in that relationship are the same. They are both givers. And it evolves nicely. Each person learns to take from the other person and its a relationship of equals. And perfect harmony ensues. Like the perfect party where everyone brings something.

Unfortunately, you ended up a doormat because you gave and gave. She took and took. And thats how you evolved. But it was fundamentaly flawed because there was no give/take balance. You paid for yr ticket. And there was no trains time and time again.

Yr not to blame here. You were following the man script. Where the knight rides into town, all the women swoon and he solves everyone problems. Thats the standard man mindset. But you cant be like this. This is the 21st century. You are an equal in a relationship. Otherwise you end up a doormat.

This is one of a set of lessons for you. You have to be equal to someone in a relationship. You must meet the needs of someone else and more importantly, your own needs must be met. Otherwise someone is going to get bored and fed up and the other will be fecked off and the rot will set in. C.

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02 May 12 #327850 by Crumpled
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Hi sam
i cant tell you what to do or take the pain away but all i can say is that you actually might find it so much easier when she has gone.My stbx moved out a month or so ago after 30 years together and i was utterly devastated exactly the same as you totally distraught etc etc....he is messing with my head keeping me obviously as his backup plan.
anyway i cant believe it about myself but i am getting strong and tough something just clicked in my head i have no idea really why...........
when i was where you are now i thought it would never get better and i had serious suicidal thoughts etc etc but i knew i could never do that to my children even at the darkest times and a bit was i couldnt abandon them to a father who really doesnt give a stuff about them anymore.
sam things will get easier i promise,,,only you know your wife but from reading your posts she really doesnt come across as an honourable person........
dont trust her dont let her in your head(easier said than done i am still working on that one)
just keep looking after your son as you are doing you sound like a very caring person and by looking after your son and focusing on him as im sure you are you will get through this.

  • leftwondering
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02 May 12 #327880 by leftwondering
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samchik
Hard 180.
Look after yourself and your boy.One day you will meet someone who will make you feel great and you''ll get some real perspective on this. Just ride the pain and don''t look backwards.
My wife called me to say how absolutely happy she is with OM.
She was laughing and saying how life was so great for her.

I''ve been through a bottle of whisky since.
But that''s it.
She''s on her own now and I don''t want her back in my life ever again.

I used to be better than this. I was a strong independent person.
I trusted her and gave her my heart and soul and I am reclaiming that.

I will NOT kill myself and pass all the insurance money on to her and her new prick fat asshole.
Let her love the fat bastard, he can''t even get it up without viagra the old bastard.
I''m gonna be like Clint Eastwood hiding under a boardwalk to heal and then I''m gonna be back. Stronger and fitter and tell her how wonderful life is for me while she is in the gutter because OM got tired of her and dumped her.
Let HER think about the good husband, lovely daughter, nice home and pets she once had.
Let her cry deeply like I''ve had to do.

She was pretty with her dyed blonde hair.
There are heaps of pretty girls.
And she saw a good move since she was living in a shared flat and I had my own house at 28 which I worked my balls off to get from my exploration work in force 10 storms in the high Arctic 12 hours a day 7 days a week for 6 months at a time..

Just my bad luck I married a f8cking disaster instead of a decent human being.

F*ck her. She is out of my life. 30 years or not.
If that''s how little it means to her then I''m not sitting around waiting for her to fall on her arse from her romantic cloud and sweep her off to comfort and safety.

I''m better than this.

LW

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