A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

Broken souls...everywhere

  • samchik1
  • samchik1's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
02 May 12 #327992 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
I don''t know what a "soul" is in a logical sense. I just looked it up and this is what I''m told:

1. the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part.
2. the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect, or as believed to survive death and be subject to happiness or misery in a life to come: arguing the immortality of the soul.
3. the disembodied spirit of a deceased person: He feared the soul of the deceased would haunt him.
4. the emotional part of human nature; the seat of the feelings or sentiments.
5. a human being; person.

Well...that doesn''t help me appreciate what it REALLY is...your "soul." I think we all "know" what we mean by our souls...but not in this logical, dictionary-like sense. We know because we "feel" our souls and we know what we mean by them.

Mine, I am accutely aware, is breaking... day by day into a million tiny pieces. And today I feel SO sad because I realise I was simply not aware of the number of broken souls around me every day. I''ve just read johnt''s post...I feel I know exactly how he is feeling right now...I know it so well that I am almost feeling it for him. It reflects the initial shattering of the soul...when it is first ripped apart. I read LW''s post...I feel like it''s the latter stages of the breaking up process...when the last remnants of your soul shatter...and all hope of salvaging your soul as it was is gone. I am anticipating that moment for myself soon.

Our souls (the "spiritual" part of us as it says above) have broken because they have been ripped away from the person with whom they had become intertwined. They were so closely intertwined that the extraction of one from the other would always inevitably destroy someone...much like ripping apart Siamese twins might destroy one child at the expense of the other.

So...if this thing called the "soul" is broken then what can be done. Is there a medicine for this? One of my darkest thoughts is that it never really "heals" to the extent that you can have the same soul back again. It has been so severely damaged, that putting it back together again, it will simply look like that vase you stuck back together after you dropped it. It just isn''t the same vase. It''s a mess...and it''s clear it was badly dropped.

So...what''s the alternative. Does the place where the soul WAS stay empty? So that we are in effect living dead? That''s an awful thought?

Or...do we somehow construct a new one of these things? If so, how? Can we do it alone? What are the nutrients we need to do that? Does it require finding love again? Is love necessary for the growth of our souls? Or not?

  • Mitchum
  • Mitchum's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
02 May 12 #328006 by Mitchum
Reply from Mitchum
My greatest fear is that I''ve lost all emotion. I currently feel NOTHING. Not fear or happiness or hurt. I am a blank soul.

Quite how to recover from this is beyond me. I live in a half world of former realities. I await old age which is knocking on my door! Although I have a lot of material comforts I do not know how to recover feeling.

I had PTSD diagnosed as a result of the severity of the emotional blows dealt to me in rapid succession. I fear I will live out my life now in this emotional desert.

YOU on the other hand are a young man with a tiny child who loves you unconditionally and for always you will be his father. YOU have to find your soul and quickly because without your zest for life, both you and the child will suffer. I don''t think it''s necessary to have love to live a good life, I think it''s preferable to have love from someone who truly loves you for who you are but it''s not absolutely necessary.

I''m not a religious person but I pray you find the answers you seek.

  • u6c00
  • u6c00's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
02 May 12 #328010 by u6c00
Reply from u6c00
Forgive me, I did a philosophy course some years ago, and this is the closest I''ve ever come to being able to use it in everyday life.

There are lots of views on the soul. It seems the majority of people equate it to the personality. Our natural inclination is to treat it as something distinct from the body (a concept called Dualism). This is definitely the Christian view (as well as Muslim, Jewish and probably Buddhist and Hindu too). The word soul has naturally taken on a religious overtone, which can make it hard to agree on.

Anyway, the romantic idea of a separate soul allows us to think of something that is continuous and unchanging but I don''t think that''s the case. I prefer to think of it as our personality, and I think it''s a part of the body (brain). As long as your body survives, your personality survives.

I talk about surviving because we all change gradually over time, our views on life, the world, politics, love and everything else change subtly over time but we stay the same person, just different. You probably can''t say that your 16 year old personality died, and a new personality was born.

Tragically, life events sometimes force us to change drastically in just a short time. Sometimes a loved one dies, sometimes we might have children, sometimes a treasured relationship ends. These times are hard to deal with, we all know. It can often feel like everything that came before that point was irrelevant, old you is dead and maybe a new you will emerge. I felt like that an awful lot, and that''s how I read your post.

Looking back now, I am very different in many ways, but I''m the same in many others. The things that make us who we are are deep within. They''re the beliefs we fall back on in times of trouble, foundations to build our personality on. They never go away (it''s one of the reasons it''s so hard to change yourself). In time you''ll find that despite the way you feel now, you''re still the same you.

One day (and this I promise you) you will find yourself happy again. You''ll look back on the horrible time you''re having now and realise that if you hadn''t gone through it, you never would have reached that happiness that is still to come. Perhaps you will come to hold the belief that everything happens for a reason. If that''s true, you''ll be able to see the reasons for this in the future where you just can''t now.

I really wish you well, as we all do here.

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
02 May 12 #328040 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
ok, Sam. It must be my mood today but I think you still need to give your head a shake.

All things considered you''re doing pretty well. You''re taking the time to think and communicate. You''re in some therapy. Enjoying your son. Letting go of your wife. Good stuff.

Just make sure this doesn''t turn into a "pity party". The old woe is me, life is so unfair refrain that some can get addicted to.

Your soul is not broken. You''ve suffered a tremendous blow that you never expected. You will heal from this but there may always be a scar that you have to deal with. The question really is what kind of man do you want to be? Remember that your son will learn from you and will become like you. What lessons are you going to teach him through this pain you''re going through?

Take the time to feel sad. You should be sad. Incredibly sad. But I do not think it should be your sole emotion. Take the time to begin to explore joy as well. What are you passionate about? Your son doesn''t count! Is there anything that you can find passion for?

You''ll get there. Be patient. Feel your emotions but don''t allow yourself to wallow in them.

Stand up for you. Commit to you. Love yourself. I feel like you''re on the edge and need a push to go the right direction. Make sure that direction is best for you!

Get up, dust yourself off, begin to think about what living life will be like. It''s a great world out there with lots of cool people. Honest.

And hey, I meant it when I said you should come to Seattle for a visit. Then I could give you a slap if you get too mopey :P

  • leftwondering
  • leftwondering's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
02 May 12 #328041 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
samchik become Bandit45

Dont let these duff women break you.
Im still lookin for a heart of gold. And I''m getting old.

  • yellowrose
  • yellowrose's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
02 May 12 #328067 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
Samchick I know your pain but you need to heed what everyone is trying to tell you. There is a really good quote that Nicole Kidman''s father said to her when Tom Cruise betrayed her
''Nic, it''s not what it should have been, it''s not what it could have been but it is what it is.''
I repeat this to myself in my darkest moments and believe me I still have these but you will get through this.


  • Lostboy67
  • Lostboy67's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
02 May 12 #328071 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi Sam,
The human soul or spirit is a remarkably strong and resilient thing, regardless of the blows it suffers it always has the ability to heal and come back stronger and keep going. I think of my grandmother who burried 3 children but still carried on.
We all start with an set of life goals about what we want to achieve and the position we want to get to, call it the picture of sucess. Now most of us here have to accept that this picture has been daubed with paint stripper. All that you can do is to re-focus and work out what success looks like again. For me 2 happy and successful children are now what I work towards as success in life. But more important that anything is being true to my values, at the risk of sounding trite....its not if you win or lose its how you play the game. Being able to look anyone in the eye and say I''ve never cr@ped on anyone and behaved with dignity is something I value.


Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11