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  • glasper
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04 May 12 #328435 by glasper
Topic started by glasper
I have a complicated situation that seems more like a soap opera but is very serious. There is no fighting just underlying sadness and denial.

My new partner (not my wife) is no longer willing to see my children or wife, with whom she gets on well until all the children are clear on our relationship and we can show affection in front of them.

This makes it very hard for me to spend time with her. Even when the children know surely they are unlikely to want to see much affection. I cannot face going on a family summer holiday but would rather go with new partner and kids.

Does anyone have experience on introducing new partners who are already well known to the family as a friend.

thanks

  • Marshy_
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04 May 12 #328442 by Marshy_
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I can see her point. She doesnt want to hide yr relationship and wants it out in the open. This gives her validation. And thats important to some people.

I guess this depends on how long you have known your partner. If its a long time then the kids should know that you are an item. Because thats what you are. However, if its not been that long, then it''s maybe wise to wait a bit. But.... Your kids and there wellbeing should be at the upmost of yr mind. If its not right for what ever reason, then perhaps you should consider them not meeting her.

Its always hard introducing a new partner into a ready made family. Perhaps one of the hardest things about establishing a new relationship. Yr kids are part of you. And if she is to be with you long term, she has a place alongside you as a step mum to them. Of course not replacing mum. C.

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04 May 12 #328444 by glasper
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Just to be clear, my kids really like my new partner but knew her first before she was said partner and was just a friend of my wife''s. My wife is uncomfortable seeing me show affection to her but does not mind if we go away together with kids as a couple.

  • Patrick1968
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04 May 12 #328451 by Patrick1968
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How much validation do the kids ''need'' to see? Are you talking about holding hands, cuddling or more. Some people are not comfortable with public displays of affection front of adults let alone kids.

Would your kids pull faces if you were with your ex and started snogging in front of them

Your wifes opinions can be taken on baord or ignored depending on your relationship with her. She may think is inappropriate because they are children or she''s upset about the split.

The key maybe to drip feed your new partner into their zone..slowly..

The only concern with this is your new partners view of all of nothing which won''t work with children. If she doesn''t ''get'' that then I''d say she may not get the family dynamic thing ever.

  • maisymoos
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04 May 12 #328455 by maisymoos
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I am struggling to understand why she is refusing to see children. A slow gradual process of meeting them for short periods would help the children get used to the idea. A small bit of affection such as a passing touch probably shouldnt be a problem, although you need to watch your childrens reactions and take it at their pace. You need to ensure the children feel comfortable especially in the early days or they may reject the idea completely!

Not seeing them and then later wham bam "I''m your Dads girlfriend" may be the preferred way for your partner but is that the best way to manage it for the children?

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04 May 12 #328483 by WhiteRose
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I think timing is key, a point Marshy raised.

How long have you been separated and how long have you been seeing new partner?

If its still early days and your stbx wife is OK with your relationship, but is wanting you to take it easy introducing your new partner to your kids, I can totally see her point.

If its been 6 months + then it may be a good idea to introduce the children slowly.

A compromise is needed with everyone here as the kids feelings are so important. Also the first few meetings will cement how their future relationship fares with your new partner (in her new upgraded role ;)) . The children need to see you are happy and physical affection with your new partner will show this, but they also need to physical affection too and it won''t be fair for your new partner to sulk if you''re holding hands with your kids and not her - last thing you need is a battle between them for your affections.

Yes, they need to know she''s your new partner, but I? would advise you to tone down any passion B)I would say - first meeting, treat new partner just like friends (as you were before the separation), 2nd meeting a little more (hug?) etc. etc. until the kids feel relaxed with you both as a couple and you both can be normal with them. The more relaxed everyone is with each other, the more natural you can be!

You haven''t mentioned ages of the children, but for younger ones (non-teens) it can take a bit of time to get used to the new relationship dynamic.

Yes, she may want validation and not to hide your relationship, but if you both go in all guns blazing, it may cause problems. Why not discuss the ''baby-steps'' approach with her and let her know how much her support and patience will ensure future success!

WR

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