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It''s now in the lap of the gods

  • samchik1
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05 May 12 #328526 by samchik1
Topic started by samchik1
So...it finally feels like I''ve handed over control of my marriage to the gods. Yesterday I picked my son up from nursery and we went home to pack for a couple of hours. Then set off for my Mum''s and the seaside for a long weekend. My wife will be out on Monday.

My wife was home when we got back to pack. That hour and a half may be the last time we spend together as a true family. My wife wanted us to stay all night...I couldn''t...needed it to be short and sharp. We did puzzles with our son...and drank some tea. She cried a lot...I wanted to but didn''t. The idea of marriage counselling came up again. But I told her I think it is only useful to us if it is truly counselling for TWO...and NOT three. I don''t see the point if we aren''t both committed to it. We talked a lot...I know what the consensus will be here when I say this (I have now internalized many of your personalities and I know what many of you would say:-)), but I still believe my wife and I have a shot...IF we could both commit to the process. She knows that.

And with that I was forced to leave. I watched her kiss our son goodbye and then hugged her...I felt her tears and I fought back my own. I didn''t want to let go. Then I walked away.

On the journey here I felt a strange sense of relief. It was relief in the sense that I finally felt that I''d given up on the idea that the fate of my marriage being in my hands. I don''t think I''d given up on that. Now...I give it up to the gods...and what will happen will happen. That sat well with me until this morning...I want to call her sooooo much. But I won''t. I see no point in contact...I see a hard 180 as the way forward.

So...immediate future. Try to enjoy weekend with my Mum and son. Go home to empty house on Monday night. Take son to nursery on Tuesday. Go to therapy session. Wife takes son to her from Tue-Fri. I will be away from him for three days...(I hate that). I may not see my wife for a few weeks...I already miss her. I will spend my three days of solitude working, walking in the mountains with a friend, and waiting for my son again.

I know (I hear your voices in my head again)...it''s not what I should be concerned about. But I think the harsh reality of what my wife has done will hit her soon. Gods...I ask for your mercy now...I hope for everything but expect nothing.

  • flowerofscotland
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05 May 12 #328532 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Samchik,

The early days of separation from your loved ones are the hardest. But you will eventually get into a routine, and settle down into a new pattern with your little one.

I think you are doing a marvellous job and I know you are looking at your options from all angles. You have to start making yourself a priority in your own life, grow as an individual and you will find strength in that alone.

Your wife sounds like so many adulterers, the thrill of the moment, the old cake and eat it scenario, the lush green grass! But when reality takes hold and the penny drops, the panic sets in. I often wonder just how weak these people are that they can allow themselves to toy with others affections. Did or was she thinking of you and your son, whilst in the height of her dalliance, before she was caught out? I think samchik you know the answer to that one.

From reading between your lines, as strong as you were in front of her, and for that you should be proud, even if she was to offer a reconciliation on your terms, would you ever be able to truly forgive and forget? You have to ask yourself this time and time again.

There is an old Scottish saying "Whit''s fir ye, willnae gang by ye" simply translated means "what''s for you, won''t go by you"! You along with so many others here are open to a new future, whatever the direction the Gods may chose.

Stay strong and take care for now FoS x

  • hawaythelads
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05 May 12 #328549 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
The true sad reality is.
The future of your marriage was never in your hands.

Silver lining ...... The rest of your life is now.

All the best
Pete xx

  • Shoegirl
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05 May 12 #328552 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
Haway is right.

The common denominator when dealing with emotionally unavailable people is those two words if only..........

I remember that well. If only he would realise what he has lost. If only insert random reasons..... Then we would have a shot.

But emotionally unavailable people don''t know how to fix a relationship because they are not really able to emotionally connect with anyone not in a sustained and significant way. Hot and cold, up and down, it''s soul destroying trying to keep relationships alive with these people.

It seems to me at least your wife mistakes intensity for intimacy. You can''t do a damned thing about it except exactly what you are doing. Focus on you and your son.

Let her go to find her nirvana. Except it won''t be there. She will keep you dangling if she can, so no contact except essential stuff about the child will be critical.. Don''t be the lifeboat into her new life, keep the distance just like you are doing.

And from someone who reconciled only to get shxt all over again with another affair 18 months on. Leopards sadly never change their spots and yes we had marriage guidance and I finally turned my back on my husband knowing I had given my marriage my everything.

It seems to me that you did too. But sometimes you can find yourself standing alone in wanting to save it. It sometimes is not a question of whether someone wants to be with you or not. It is a question of whether they want it enough to meet the other persons needs as well as their own. Some don''t have that capability.

Learning that was an expensive painful and difficult lesson for me. But as Marshy says here too, I learnt my lesson well. You will too, it just takes time. It''s early for you yet and you have come on leaps and bounds already. Because you are really starting to see your wife for who she really is with her limitations.

Stay strong............

  • pixy
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05 May 12 #328555 by pixy
Reply from pixy
One of the few things about my break up that I remember with vivid clarity is the sense of relief that washed over me when I left the FMH. Until then I hadn''t been sure that I was doing the right thing. I had spent some 18 months believing that he''d wake up and realise ow was a mistake.

I think that sense of relief that you felt is your first concrete symptom of recovery. It''s still going to be hard going, but believe me one day you will wake up and know that you would never have her back. That doesn''t mean that you will stop loving her but you will be adjusting to your new life.

  • Canuck425
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06 May 12 #328666 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Separation will bring new challenges but I think you know that. However, there should also be some relief from the craziness that has briefly taken over your life.

Now you can focus more on you and your stuff. I do want to give you a slap when you say that you''ll miss her so much. Wake up man. She is not worthy. She still has the other man and living that fantasy. There is no room for you in that picture. So I am happy to hear that you are standing up and respecting yourself.

Just to make you laugh I feel compelled to comment on the following.

walking in the mountains

There are mountains in England?! No way! I think technically, they''re called hills :P

  • Marshy_
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06 May 12 #328671 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Sam. You are one for beating yrself up mate. The problem I think your wife has is that she is torn between her new life and her old. This is common with people that have affairs. They want to keep one foot in the old life so that they have a backup plan. And when they are discovered, they use projection to ensure that they are not to blame. Bad bad bad.

I suspect that there is way too much damage to progress to counselling just yet. I would leave things. Let the dust settle. And you may find, after a few months, the need wanes. And frankly mate, you need the seperation from her. The last thing you need is to sit in the same room as her breathing the same air as her.

Its going to be tough on Monday. Knowing you, you will crumble when you come home. But I want to say a few things. Try and stay strong. Think how far you have come. You have done amazing well. Much better than I did. In fact, reading the bits about the keylogger and how you dealt with that, I found myself wishing I had your breakup instead of mine.

But of course, this will be tough this new phase. But hopefuly, we can all hold your hand and guide you the next few days to get you thru this and on your way. Hope you have a good time walking those ummm hills lol. C.

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