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Counselling...or not?

  • Abi6
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08 May 12 #329206 by Abi6
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I''m in the throes of thinking about starting the separation process (and if that doesn''t sound very decisive, it''s because I''m not feeling very decisive right now!)and would appreciate any personal experience that anyone is able to share.
We''ve been together for over 20 years and our marriage has been fraught for close to 10 years - periods of calm when we get on fine, followed by explosive arguments every few months, which results in stony silence for days, even weeks, and usually one of us threatening to leave.
The rows are usually a variation of the same sort of thing - one or the other of us doing something the other person thinks is unreasonable - and while we are both stubborn, I''d like to think I''m a little more compromising, whereas my husband flatly refuses to apologise for anything and usually finds a way to make any issue my fault.
I have now reached the end of my tether and can''t face another 10 years (or longer) of the same pattern of behaviour. I either want us to work together to sort this out permanently or move forward with our separate lives.
However, I think that before we do that, we should try counselling. My husband won''t hear of it - thinks it''s a waste of money, doesn''t see what good it could do, is totally adverse to the thought of discussing his feelings with a "stranger" etc. I''ve given up trying to persuade him otherwise and we''ve now reached a stalemate of "he doesn''t think our marriage is important enough to do this" vs "I''m trying to force him to do something he clearly doesn''t want to do".
I was interested in any opinions or experiences from anyone who may have found themselves in a similar situation or whether anyone has found an effective alternative to counselling - the two of us discussing issues and agreeing that we will do things differently going forward has only ever resulted in a temporary change in behaviour.
Thanks!

  • redwine47
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08 May 12 #329247 by redwine47
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Hi, Your circumstances mirror mine so much 23+ years of bad and not so good. I have sympathy with you at this difficult time. It sounds like you are ready to get things sorted once and for all!

You can go to Relate yourself and get advice, then decide if you want to make a go of it. Discuss the outcome with your OH. Hopefully he will make the effort to go, even if it is by himself initially.

We did this although wen we eventually went together, personally for me it confirmed the end. I wish I had done a long time ago it cld have been sorted a lot earlier. "hindsight.

Counselling can work well if you are both committed. If not, its decision time. I hope you get sorted and I m sure more wikis will be along soon.

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08 May 12 #329249 by sim5355
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hi! abiv my husband was just like yours everything was allways my fault and i had a 20 year marriage in the end i could not take any more as i felt so lonely, have since worked out that i think he has a personality disorder called narcissim

  • julesgy
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08 May 12 #329253 by julesgy
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hi abiv
i decided to pay for a conselling session when trying to save my marriage , my stbx wouldnt talk to outsiders thought that the problems should be sorted out btwn ourselves, which is fine if both parties truly want to sort things out - well my stbx only lasted 20mins into the session and walked out - why you may ask - well thegentleman asked stbx what he wanted from the sessions and he replied that he hoped that the consellor would have an answer to our problems (his adultery etc etc) and when the counsellor asked me how i felt i replied ''betrayed'' with that stbx walked out of the session with anger - so i guess what i am saying is that so long as its what you both truly want then what have you got to lose -
take care and be strong

julie

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