A very tough weekend

Well. That was a tough weekend. Came back with my son from my mum''s place last night. Half of our stuff was gone and she has finally moved out. That was hard in itself. My son and I both said we missed her in the house.

But today was harder. It was the day I accompanied my son down to London for his first visit to her new place. I felt I should check out where he will be living and see for myself.

She met us from the tube station. Led us to her flat on the fifteenth floor. It seems nice inside and my son was immediately at ease. That made me feel better. He wasn''t upset and was excited about it. My wife was very happy about it all too. That made me feel both pleased (for I want her to be happy) and terribly sad that there doesn''t seem to be any of her that misses me, or our old life.

I had some lunch there and I find it impossible to limit the conversation to weather and the forthcoming olympics. It is inevitable we will talk about "us." And we did. To my detriment. I really think that the sex issue was the predominant problem here. But I CANNOT understand how you can turn your back on someone you love without making an effort to resolve that issue maturely and like adults. I will never get that...and I think I should stop trying to. She says I need to leave it alone for a while now...not try to force things. I do. And I will. But when I have to engage with her like today it is hard.

Now I''m traveling home alone. My son has been my companion through this hell for the last two months. Not having him til Friday is painful. Not having him every day is just not right...a family should fight to stay together for that reason alone in my opinion.

You know what I''m sitting here thinking? How the feck can I be soooooo fecking awful that this woman is almost rejoicing at getting away from me huh? I wanted to make her happy...I gave all I had to our relationship (at enormous cost to myself though) and to our family. I was loyal to her. I wanted her to chase her dreams. I thought that was enough to earn the chance to find our way again. I guess I''m not worth enough for her to want to commit to rolling up our sleeves and fight for our marriage. If anything makes me feel betrayed it''s that.

Samchick,

You are worth so much more than this - you just cannot see it yet.
You are trying to understand her behaviour and unfortunately you will never be able to do this as you are very different people.
In her eyes she has a brand new exciting life to lead - it sounds a little like when you first leave home and it is all new and you cannot wait to start playing ''house''. You and I both know that the reality of this can be hard going at times.
This is all new for her whereas you are still like me living the ''old'' life. The only change for us is the missing person. Whereas for them everything is new and an adventure.
Please take some strength from the fact that it will not always be new and exciting for her - her new life will eventually become mundane and she will start to look for something new and sparkly.
She will realise what she gave up. Even if you both after time realise that your marriage was not worth saving there will be aspects of it which she will miss. You sound like you have given her some considerable security throughout the years and this is the biggest thing she is finding hardest to let go of. You have been her rock and she continues to want you to do this as she see''s fit.
You have to let her go and create a life without you. She may change her mind but if you spend time concentrating on you and building your life back up you may find that you don''t want her back. The kindest thing you can do for you is look out for you as no one else will.
Start to build a new life for you and your son and you will start to enjoy your days alone with him. On the days you don''t have him, make sure you do something for you. Go to the gym or take up a hobbie that you would not be able to do with your son. It may not be the life that you want but you have to create a new life now that you and your son can enjoy.
Take care.x

Mate, I know where you''re at. Like you, I wanted to make my ex happy... but eventually I realised that it wasn''t my inability or ability to do this that was the real issue - it was less to do with me, but everything to do with her. Believe this, because it''s true.

You''re probably feeling totally out of sorts because of the changes that you''ve had to confront and deal with in a shockingly short time. This can take a lot out of you...

Best,
JJ

In future hand him over at the door or better still at a neutral public place. You needed to check the place out this time, but not again. Lunch and chit chat is just twisting the knife. Avoid all contact as far as possible - it''s not going to get you any answers.

Your not a bad bloke. You have been betrayed. She wanted something else and decided not to see if you could provide it and looked for it somewhere else. I expect and I could be wrong but if you did everything right, went back and changed everything it would count for F & A.

You will blame her, then yourself, you''ll consider yourself a failure, you''ll put her on a pedastal. You''ll forget all of the mundane and start to believe the history she tells you. You''ll think that you have failed. And you did, the same as me and everyone reading this. We aren''t perfect (apart from hawaythelads)but I doubt you failed to the point where it has led you to this. My belief the one I think today and its likely to change tomorrow is that THEY decide to become unavailable to us and no amount of mediation, couselling etc will change that. The thing you need to know, understand and believe is that your not a bad bloke, the next bloke is not better than you, she changed and nothing was going to stop that. The thing you need to do is be there for that little boy. Boolox to her needs.

Well, that was really tough.

Just a thought for you. She won''t miss something that she thinks she can go back to anytime she wants. Its like a holiday away from life, responsibilities and all that.

In my experience it hits the leaver much later. Usually when you don''t care anymore.

Mine rejoiced in leaving at first. Was almost euphoric about his new flat, life, new woman etc. It hurt like nothing I''ve ever known.

It wasn''t about me, this u turn he had about life in general. He projected all of that to me. I don''t see his poor decisions and lack of empathy as being about me at all.

I had to face that my marriage was not what I thought it was and more significantly why I ended up with someone capable of behaving so badly.