Developmental tasks...

Hi Scary..

scaryclairie wrote:

Althought Marshy says we act randomly (and Marshy is such a wise guy I hate to contradict him) I think one thing we learn from wiki is how people (especially leavers but maybe those of us left too) act to a pattern. I have been amazed by it.

This has helped me so thank you.

scc

Please contradict me. I am not the **word** I am just a normal guy. Like everyone else. Please dont think that you cant contradict me. I like it when people do. It gives me a chance to see the other side.

But I think you may have taken me out of context or perhaps I have not put down what I think well. Yes we do act randomly when we form relationships. And a lot of us do the same when we form relationships outside of the marriage (affairs). I think we dont consider the implications of having affairs. People just do it. Cos they want to. Thats what I mean by acting randomly. We are not machines. We dont consider all the pro''s and cons like a machine would. We just do it. And sod the consequences.

Yes I believe that people form patterns of behaviour. We have needs. And we like those needs met. And one of the things that an adulterer does is have a foot in both camps. A backup plan in case the new relationship goes wrong. They can always step back into the old life. Of course this is awful. And I dont agree with it. I call this new shoe syndrome.

Imagine you buy a new pair of shoes? You keep the old ones until you are sure that the new ones are bedded in. I believe this is what we do with a new adulterous relationship.

Ok thats my view. Please though, never feel that you cant contradict me. I am nothing really and I dont deserve all the nice things that others say about me. I am not that special. I am just a guy thats a bit further than you are. Thats all. And I am not that wise. If I was, I wouldnt have got myself into the mess that I did. I am the same as you. C.

ok Marshy - for wise - read thoughtful. You are IMO a thoughtful guy.

Hi Scary...

scaryclairie wrote:

I can see the parallels in my relationship with stbx - and yes I am still looking for answers to help me cope (and most importantly not feel so bad about myself.)

There are always paralels of behavour. Becuse I beleive that we are mostly the same. We are all poachers that can turn gamekeepers. But the thing that stops us or makes us act in a certain way is our core values. Honesty, decency, integrety etc.


I am sure you had a chance or perhaps chances to have an affair when you was married. I know I certainly did. But I didnt persue it becuase I am not that sort of person. The vows that I took were important to me.

But its not the same for everyone. Not everyone has the same core values.

An example of honesty is this. And I must admit that its a bit bonkers. Welcome to my silly life and the way I am...

I went out for a meal with a mate and his kids. I paid for the meal. It was McDonalds. I had a problem with my card and the bank had stopped it. But I forgot and I used my card. For some reason, the card worked. But I felt bad about this (when I realised later that day) and the next day, I went back to Maccy D''s and paid again to make sure they got there money.

And these are my core values. I pride myself on being honest. But its bonkers I know. What does McDonalds care about a couple of burgers and a couple of kids meals? They dont. But I do care. But thats me. But not everyone is honest.

And that I think is your answer in a typical round the houses way Marshy Stylee.

Not everyone has the same core values. You cant understand why he did this because you never would do this. But he dont think the same as you. And its a mistake to take your logic, your views your core values and dump them on someone else''s head. His head. It wont work. And trying to work someone else out that dont have the same values as you wont work. You will never understand them until you understand that he dont have the same values that you have. And in the early days, this is where it used to go Pete Tong for me until I realised that she does not have the same values that I do. She would never have gone back and paid for that meal. She would have reveled in getting away with it. Whereas I would feel guilt that I had not paid for something that I had been supplied with in good faith that I had.

We all blame ourselves and its a common theme that if someone does something unacceptable then they have to blame someone or something and its not them. And mud sticks. And we remember the blame levelled at us. I certainly remember the blame aimed at me. But.... What I know is that my ex didnt have the same core values as me. She was basicly dishonest. And I cant be blamed for what she did. Like you cant be blamed for what he did. It just dont fly.

But if there is any blame to be leveled at you or me its this. We were foolish to chose this person out of what 2 billion people? Thats where that part of the blame lies. Solely on our shoulders. But we pay and we pay just the once. The real crime is that we dont learn the lessons. And pick the same dishonest type of person again.

Remember, this is just the word of the Marsh. You can disagree if you want. Dont ever think that I am the last word. Cos I am not. C.

However Remember don''t contradict me.Because I am always right:blink:
His Royal Hawayness xx
Ordained by God.

Hi Again Scary. Sorry. Its yr turn today and I know I am picking on you. In a nice way of course...

scaryclairie wrote:

Maybe we grow up when we realise our development is dependent on the ''person within us'' and we stop relying on the person we are with to fulfill our development needs.
Any maybe when we (or more to the point they )realise this they will stop being a part of this new ''disposable society'' that is so harmful to us all.

What I think what happens is this. When we are with someone we lose a lot of what we are as we believe that we mould into one. Sort of this two hearts beat as one nonsense and we water down what we are.

When we are cast aside like and old sock, we are like a fish out or water as part of us is gone or left behind and we have to re-find ourselves and get what we think we should be. And this takes some doing as the older we get, the harder it is to do. But we can do it. We have to.

The truth as I see it is that we are not two hearts that beat as one. We are two individuals that come together to form a relationship becuase we want to and we love and value that other person as an indivual. But we should maintain our own identity, our own views and we should have our own needs met. We shouldnt hand over our lives for rent to anyone. We owe it to ourselves to keep back a bit of independence and not get so wrapped up in someone else that we depend on them totaly. To do otherwise I think is selling ourselves for a penny.

Disposable society. But think of it this way. In the old days, familes would rally around the relationship that was in trouble and the leader of the pack, would force the wayward couple to "sort it out or else". Which is fine you would think. But what if one of them had an affair with a family friend and you were forced to "sort it out"? You would be stuck with someone you hated, despised, didnt trust. I think its right that someone should pay for what they have done and they should leave. I dont think that anyone should be forced to stay with someone becuase of the kids or cos someone else says so. I believe that we should stay with someone because we want to. Not cos we have to.

Okies, again. Argue with me if you want. This is just the world according to Marshy. And its the last time I pick on you this morning.. Honest C.

No - not arguing - I agree with a lot of what you say....and for the record - I''m like you, I would have gone back and paid. (I once had to go back to Woolies cos girl on check out had made a mistake and I had left without paying for quite an expensive toy - it was Christmas - so I had not noticed....as it happens it didn''t help Woolies in the end ....but I couldn''t have it on my conscience!)

And Haway....of course I wouldn''t argue with you! (Until I do of coure!) I don''t believe in God, but I do believe in Haway (and Stephen Fry ......if SF says something is so then it must be true!)

sc

Cool. Someone like me haha. I think for me it comes from my mum as I am just like her in this way. C