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Reconciliation

  • ponygal44
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11 May 12 #330067 by ponygal44
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This is a really interesting post and has grabbed my attention because I have been caught in the middle of a couple who were apart but have finally reconciled. I d not know how their reconciliation is going although most of the friends I know who also know them suggest to me that he is not happy and that it probably won''t last but perhaps they are just saying that to make me feel better, since I was the one who got royally dumped when she came back on the scene and asked him to try again. I had know this man for nearly three years and had very strong feelings for him but he continually went back to the relationship which apparently made him unhappy, not because there was any betrayal but because they were "wrong together" and were only together so long (on and off for 12/13 years) because they were "both clinging to eachother like babes in the wood".
Firstly, if your wife comes back to you then she is going to have to hurt the man that she is with currently and that in itself may play on her conscience and may have an adverse affect on your potential reconciliation. Secondly, the fact that she is now in a new relationship means that she is changing, learning a new way of interacting with a new person and therefore she will not be the same person that left no matter how hard you both try to pretend that this other man didn''t exist. Thirdly, the reasons you broke up in the first place, unless they were purely circumstantial or you were forced apart by conditions beyond your control then the issues that allowed you to break up in the first place will still be there and, in my humble opininion you will be papering over the cracks.
You may be one of the lucky ones and through this experience realise that you are the love of eachotheres lives and that you cannot possibly let that go but please, for the sake of your daughter, for your mental health and that of your wife and also for the preservation of the third party, tread with caution. If she''s meant to come back to you then this current relationship will not flourish and you may be given the opportunity to re-analyse what went wrong and carefully make a go of things. In the meantime, why don''t you just consider living each day as it comes, not plan too much in terms of a future with her but also go out and perhaps make some new relationships for yourself so that at least you will realise that you have much of offer other women and so that she does not feel that you are just sitting at home pining for her because that will put all the power in her hands and that would not be a great place for you to be if there is any chance at all of a reconciliation.
All the best.

  • julesgy
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11 May 12 #330068 by julesgy
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hi confusedDad

just want to say that i agree with all the other posts on here - i also tried reconcilliation twice (more fool me i now realise) each time stbx denied most things and didnt want to lose me and both times he cheated and lied again.
the thing is i now know that there is no going back because i torture myself at times with the vision of him with ow and knowing i could never get in the same bed as him after knowing where he''s been.
but i have good friends and this site to make bad days a little better just reading peoples posts andreplies can give you strength just when you need it .
take care
julie

  • flowerofscotland
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11 May 12 #330082 by flowerofscotland
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Hi ConfusedDad,

You have had some really straight to the point advice that once you have time to digest it all, alarm bells may just start ringing for you.

We all wish it was how it used to be, we all wish it never happened to us, why me? If only....these are just some of our inner thoughts playing mind games with us all. Trying so hard to overpower the sensible side of our mindset, being the devil''s advocate trying to convince us it will all come out in the wash.

Unfortunately it very rarely does. That is the long and the short of it. My STBX lasted all of 5 days when I stupidly took him back, then the calls and the text messages started again and regardless of the panic mode I was in, his ego was continuing to be massaged by OW when lets face it, he wasn''t on the market with a wife and family in tow. That never stopped him. He was keeping his options open, hedging his bets until he cracked, the problem was I cracked him for him the day I caught OW and him together, his bags were packed regardless of how much heartache and pain I was suffering. When the trust is gone it is gone, a simple as that.

What nobody deserves is to be treated with such disrespect and downright disregard by the person who pledged to look after you in sickness and in health, you get my gist?

So take time out for yourself ConfusedDad and allow yourself to digest the implications of your wife''s selfish desires leading to adultery, let her go and find that once the honeymoon period is over for her and OM and the day to day humdrum of real life starts to get in the way of their ''perfect'' relationship, she will eventually wake up realising that her nirvana does not really exist, by that time you will have moved on in leaps and bounds.

Take care for now FOS x

  • freefalling
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12 May 12 #330134 by freefalling
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HiConfusedDad,
There are NO excuses/reasons, whatever you want to call them for cheating!

I lived with a man who showed no affection and although I was unhappy, I didn''t cheat. It was hell on earth but I loved him and I wanted so desperately to make things work. It''s hard to face, he walked away because he no longer wanted me and until very recently I hadn''t accepted it. He didn''t want to work things out because he was already invested somewhere else.

Before finding all this out, we separated for a while. We separated because he told me he was confused about his feelings for me. I gave him the space he needed, respected him for his honesty. He begged me to take him back he assured me that things would change and that he was committed to making our marriage work as much as I was. During our 6 month separation i went to counselling to better myself and hopefully our marriage. He on the other hand got a different kind of ''counselling". When he came home (stupid me for taking him back) nothing changed. He didn''t work at our marriage only on being more deceptive, cunning and selfish.

Can you forgive someone who has shown you such disrespect? Can you forget that she broke her vow to you "in good times and bad, forsaking all others"? Start thinking about your own worth, what you want and deserve from this life.

I wish you well, take care

  • donkler
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14 May 12 #330394 by donkler
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Its amazing you know, I have just found out this very morning that my STBX was indeed seeing the bloke she had and is having an affair with whilst we were "Reconciling"

I knew deep down anyway, but why oh why.....why dont they both just F off and do their own thing without ruining me and my rehab??

  • hawaythelads
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14 May 12 #330409 by hawaythelads
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Donkler,
At the end of the day.
It''s your responsbility.
It''s your life.
That''s why once you know they are a fecking lying cheat you should divorce them.
No turning back.
That''s what I did.
Cost me a fecking fortune and met I wouldn''t get to raise my kids.
But hard decisions have to be made in life.
That''s why I will never marry again with a no blame divorce law and here''s a free house for fecking another bloke because once you do that they''ve got their claws into your assets ;)ooohhh errr matron.
All the best
Pete xx

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14 May 12 #330411 by donkler
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Your right mate, and thats exaclty what im doing, and your situation is one hell of a lot harder than mine.

I married a *****, but thankfully we had no children

Cheers pal

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