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  • pixy
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11 May 12 #329921 by pixy
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Like some of the other posters I tried to make it work after I found out about ow. Like them it was a waste of time because apparently everything was my fault and he had to make no effort whatsoever. He went on seeing his trollop in secret. Even now that we are separated he still lies about her.

I suppose that there must be cases where a reconciliation works. I think they are rare. Firstly because the trust has gone - and your spouse is the one person in the world that you should be able to trust unconditionally. Secondly precisely because of the blame game that the stbx plays. It was only when I found wiki that I realised just how standard the blame game was. I wish I''d known earlier. Read your post back to yourself - you are playing the blame game by her rules. You accept that it was your conduct that wrecked your marriage and think you can do better. Rubbish (can''t quite bring myself to imitate Haway''s language). She''s the one who had the affair. Her need to do so was her own and very little to do with you. She salves her guilt by blaming you. Don''t listen.

  • samchik1
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11 May 12 #329925 by samchik1
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Reading your post, I felt like it could have been mine. All of your details seem just like mine. The advice you have received is what I expected you''d receive. And the others are right. Just last week my wife and I banded the words "marriage counselling" around. But then one night she called me to say good night to our son. She was in London and had said she would be packing in Bath. I asked her what she was doing. It was clear she was with OM. I asked her why she was talking about counselling if she''s still fecking some other dude? She spoke on riddles as she has since this started. I had a blinding flash of reality...nothing can save this now...nothing.

There are two reasons and two reasons only that a person will not attempt to reconcile: 1- they have lost every last shred of feeling for the former partner and 2 - they are emotionally invested in another already. Sometimes it is probably both. If these two things aren''t true I think there is a shot at reconciliation...if they are...no chance.

  • donkler
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11 May 12 #329944 by donkler
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Like I say, I let my "reconciliation" drag on for 5 months. In reality I should have known in less than a day. It really was that clear cut that she wasnt interested.

I was just a door matt, free accomodation, somewhere safe, roof over her head, meals-food-clothes all purchased for her.

(I have read some stories of similar goings on for years!)

But alas, that is no more, especially when she eventually deicides to leave the house.

For me now that day cannot come soon enough, today is one day more and more importantly one day less.

  • Shoegirl
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11 May 12 #329948 by Shoegirl
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I found out about my Stbx serial adultery in 2009. He moved out for 6 months at my insistence. He had no one else at that time and he was adamant and I mean really adamant he wanted to save our marriage.

We went to marriage guidance weekly. We dated whilst separated, had fun. We did everything our counsellor told us to. And six months into the separation he came home. So you may ask what am I doing here on a divorce website?

Well heres what happened next. Despite everything we did, all the commitments he made, every shred of work we did to save our marriage, he reverted back to his old ways just a few months after he moved back in. I didn''t know it at first, but over time it became obvious to me that he was not invested in our relationship. He then told me he was leaving, denied it was someone else, everything was my fault blah blah. It was someone else, he went off with the office bike.

Do I think my husband wanted to save our marriage? To a point. You see it isn''t for me at least about whether they want to be with you or not. It''s about whether they want it enough. And your Stbx like mine does not or is unable to do the work necessary to meet another persons needs. The mixed messages come from the fact that it is not always black and white. Sometimes they dont want to save a marriage enough and leaving is easier.

However it wasn''t easier for my Stbx. OW left him and he came back crying more than once. This time thank goodness I sent him packing because I listened to Haway, Marshy and the others who told me he was no good. They were right.

You have to choose which battles to fight. And from someone who invested everything into reconciliation only to get shxt on again, please don''t fight a battle you can''t win.

It''s sad, awful and heartbreaking. Reconciliation meant I went through the heartbreak twice. Take care of you and your child. Focus on that. She''s gone. I''m sorry.

  • leftwondering
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11 May 12 #330028 by leftwondering
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Great post Haway!

That''s it in a nutshell.


  • ConfusedDad
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11 May 12 #330054 by ConfusedDad
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. Admittedly some of it is hard to read because I love her so much and don’t want to face the truth…

There are clearly people here who have experienced very similar situations, Samchik and Donkler yours are almost identical. My relationship with my wife currently is friendly and very amicable although I don’t discuss her new bloke as that would quickly lead to overflowing emotions. I could have gone off the deep end but it’s not really my style and as much as she has hurt me I don’t want to hurt her back. Also whatever happens I will always have contact with her as we are sharing our daughter and it will make that much easier for both of us to get along.

I personally can understand her falling into an affair because of the lack of affection. I don’t believe she thought that she was so unhappy prior to it happening, it’s like his affection showed her very clearly what she was missing and once the box was open it couldn’t be shut. It wasn’t that I didn’t show her love and care about her immensely but it was physical affection such as kissing, cuddling holding hands and wanting to do nice things for her. She had those feelings for me and I didn’t really reciprocate. I just didn’t feel that way about her as much as I wished I could… I know losing someone can change your feelings towards them and it has had that effect on me…it feels to me that I have been given the wake up call to my complacency…but I know others may suggest it’s a psychological mirage.
The emotional ups and down are really the most difficult thing to deal with, one minute I will be feeling fine and then next I’ll be welling up and then sobbing uncontrollably. Luckily I am getting less days of crying and more days of feeling a bit better. Today is a good day so far :)

  • hawaythelads
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11 May 12 #330057 by hawaythelads
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It wasn’t that I didn’t show her love and care about her immensely but it was physical affection such as kissing, cuddling holding hands and wanting to do nice things for her. She had those feelings for me and I didn’t really reciprocate. I just didn’t feel that way about her as much as I wished I could

She wanted to kiss cuddle and hold your hand so much that she accidentally jumped into bed with the other fella??
Get a grip man.......besides she ain''t even got a thought in her head about reconciling.
That''s a unilateral thought inside your delusional brain.She''s ecstatically happy with lover boy.

All the best
Pete x

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