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coercive control

  • hur
  • hur's Avatar Posted by
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  • Junior Member
22 May 12 #332317 by hur
Topic started by hur
Coercive control is a complex pattern of abuse using power and psychological control over another – financial control, verbal abuse, forced social isolation.

can anyone offer me any help - I am a victim

I tried victim support (they listen & give phone number to Woman''s Refuge)

My solicitor says if i feel unsafe i should call police (but it''s my word against his, is it a police matter ??)

My doctor appears clueless and offers anti- depressants

I have 2 children 10, 12
still living under 1 roof as a ''family''

  • timetoheal
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22 May 12 #332322 by timetoheal
Reply from timetoheal
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Women''s Aid are the best people to talk to in these circumstances. They won''t shove you in a refuge if you don''t want to go but they will help you rationalise things and offer the support you need. Phone numbers vary depending on your geographical location but this website will give you a starting point.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

  • Fiona
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22 May 12 #332340 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
IT can be difficult contacting DV charity helplines because they are very busy. Police, solicitors and courts are limited when there is no evidence but you can go to the police and ask to speak to someone in the DV unit for advice.

Safety comes first. If it is unsafe you should leave immediately with the children and stay with friends, family or go to a refuge.

  • hur
  • hur's Avatar Posted by
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22 May 12 #332343 by hur
Reply from hur
thank you both

women''s aid website is so helpful & reassuring

  • Marshy_
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23 May 12 #332405 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Hur. Some people may be very manipulative and you can find yourself questioning your sanity sometimes. I agree with what Fiona says. If your safety is at risk then just leave. No bricks and mortar is worth a life.

What may help you is this. Create a ready bag. That bag can be anything. A rucksack or a sports bag. A bin liner will do if you have nothing else. Or perhaps a carrier bag. In that bag put everything you will need to get away and any possessions that are not easily replaced like birth certs, passports, some money and if you can, put a PAYG mobile in there that is charged and ready for use together with a list of important phone numbers and perhaps some clothes, wash kit etc. If there is any trouble or you feel at risk, you can grab the bag and leave. I had to use my ready bag a few times. C.

  • humdrum
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24 May 12 #332545 by humdrum
Reply from humdrum
Not all abusive controllers will necessarily resort to violence. But they are skilled at suggesting that they might. Plan to go, not stay. A get away back is a short term thing. You need to get away for good.It is good to get away and get a fresh perspective. It might seem like a daunting task, but use whatever resources you can call on to do this, even old friends you haven''t seen for a long time as they may well already suspect that you need help, even if you haven''t seen them for a long time. Do Keep a diary of all the intimidating behaviour as even some supposedly well trained people like child welfare officers can dismiss claims of domestic violence where there has been no physical violence.

  • jar of hearts
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02 Jun 12 #334747 by jar of hearts
Reply from jar of hearts
I have been in your position, good advice from Marshy, be prepared. Make sure that you have your important documentation kept together, ready to run and at all costs, keep yourself safe. If you do feel at all unsafe, make plans and leave permanently,and womens aid organisations do a fantastic job providing safe accomodation. The aid organisations can also help to provide counselling and other assistance to get you back up and running.

Don''t worry that you won''t be taken seriously because so far your stbx hasn''t used physical violence, mental abuse is taken just as seriously by almost all professionals. Personally I only had an issue with one pair of constables who took the ''what do you want me to do about it?'' attitude, other than that I was treated well and offered support. Getting yourself out of the house is the only sure way to stay safe and to start to allow yourself and your children to recover.

Be brave, there is a future without this abusive controlling individual and the sooner you can get yourself away the better.


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